To think a parent should actually be there during a sleepover?

[Frostyapples]

DD 12 went to a friends last night for a sleepover. I had chatted to friends mum in advance and agreed that we would text when DD ready to come home. She mentioned that she may have to pop out at some point today but that older teenagers would be left in charge. I rang mum at 1.30pm as hadn't heard anything and she said 'I'm not in at the moment I'm (place 1 hour drive away shopping with a friend). I drove straight to collect DD from house to find older teenagers in charge and house smelt of weed. AIBU to make sure that DD never stays here again and to not encourage this friendship or am I being over sensitive? In my mind 'popping out' is a local errand not a day out shopping!

As pp said I used to be quite relaxed at the thought of weed because when I was young it was mostly weak grass. I never liked it myself but considered it on a par with wine but things have changed and the stuff they have now is stupidly strong and contributes to depression, anxiety and psychosis. I've seen several friends end up in very dark places so from the smell of weed alone it's a no from me. If i had invited a bunch of 12 yo over to mine I'd take myself off as far as I could within the house but I'd never leave other people's children alone. Yanbu.

Wouldn't be too happy about the weed.
But wouldn't mind a 12yo left with a friend during the day.
I think If I'd left my DD over night I would have picked her up in the morning, or late morning so the family can get on with their day. Not surprised the mum wanted to get out of the house to enjoy her weekend as well.

I let dd aged 9 go to a group sleepover which turned out to be at a grandparent’s house miles away and the mum wasn’t even staying. I only found this out when dd rang home late that night to say she wasn’t happy because there’d been a falling out. I didn’t know where she was and the mum hadn’t stayed so I couldn’t even talk to her. I hardly knew the grandmother either. Was not impressed, although she was ok in the end.

Apparently I was in the wrong though, the mum took offence at my concern.

@MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig that sounds horrendous! I would have been so worried!

DD frequently goes to one specific friend's house all day when there will be no adults home (no older teens either, the older siblings are grown up and moved away). She did at 12 too. She and that friend have been close friends since they were 3, they live about 5 miles from us.

I had no problems with DD being at that friend's house without supervision at 12. No problems at all.

I wouldn't be happy with a sleepover without adults, but that's not what happened. The sleepover in your title is totally irrelevant because they were alone in the day not at night.

The older teens smoking weed are the problem. Obviously that's an unsuitable environment for 12 year olds. They'd have been better off alone.

Your thread is about 12 year olds in a house with older teens smoking weed in the early afternoon - it's very strange that you didn't put that in the title, it's nothing to do with adults being present during sleepovers!

@Frostyapples I know. Apparently me telling another mum about it the next day had offended the grandmother. I wasn’t criticising her, she did a great job considering she’d been left on her own. She wasn’t very impressed at having a load of kids on her own either, I rang her to ask what the hell was going on and she wasn’t very pleased with the mum for having organised it. I don’t think the mum took criticism very well. 😂

She’s 12!! What’s the big deal?

Hmmm. The mum did say she’d be going out and leaving with older teenagers.

However, these older teenagers don’t sound suitable or responsible. That’s the issue. But you did know about it. Doesn’t matter if it’s twenty minutes or several hours, they’re either safe or they’re not.

So you did know your dd was with older teenagers and were ok with that. I don’t think the mum did anything wrong because she did tell you.

It doesn't really matter if she was 5 min away or an hour away. The older teens aren't responsible to be in charge. Maybe she didn't know that and once you inform her, she won't repeat this. I wouldn't be angry with the mum at this point as she told you exactly what would happen.

The mum going out wouldn’t bother me in the slightest.

The weed would. How stupid are those teens they they can’t hide it and smoke it away from the house?! Mind you, could have been one person wafted in smoking a joint right as you got there.

I was a latch key kid as many children are so by 12 I was definitely making my own way home from school and would sit alone for a couple of hours till my Mum returned. I think this is a normal set up once children get to secondary school so to be left alone for an hour or whatever with older teens in the house is perfectly fine!

I’d be most worried about the weed smoking above all else.

I don't think generally 12 yos need looking after by others during the day, so I wouldn't have objected to them being left.

How old were the teenagers?

I'm so sorry for your loss queenmab99, and very much admire the bravery of your honest share 🌻