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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Leaving a wedding after the ceremony and the meal/speeches has finished.

23 replies

Shootingstar1115 · 23/06/2019 15:59

Hi all, my longest and oldest friend is getting marrried soon.

I will be attending alone without OH as he will be home with the children. Fortunately the wedding is only half an hour away!

I plan to attend the church ceremony and the part afterwards with the food/speeches etc. But would really like to leave before the party they plan to have.

I’m not a drinker (even if I was I will be driving), I will be there on my own without OH, most of my friends are coupled up and I feel like I’ll be alone on the sidelines! I’m not confident enough to dance or anything 🤣

Her hubby to be’s friends are a little ‘wild’. A big gang of heavy drinkers and for my own personal reasons I get all panicky around drunk men because of things in my past. There’s also a chance my ex (DS’s dad) will be there. If he stays sober he’ll be alright but if he drinks it’s likely he will get mouthy and nasty towards me and others so I can’t be assed with that.

Would it be okay to leave shortly after the meal part??

Would you be offended if your oldest and longest friend didn’t stay for the party!

I’m not much of a party animal so I wouldn’t be much fun anyway! 🤣

OP posts:

Finfintytint · 23/06/2019 16:04

Perfectly reasonable. You will be there for the important bits and your friend will understand and will probably be overwhelmed by all the other guests anyway.

winobaglady · 23/06/2019 16:05

I'd hope you could stay for the first dance. Surely the first 30 mins to an hour will be quieter?
Then quietly leave.

ThanksItHasPockets · 23/06/2019 16:06

If you want to be absolutely sure of avoiding any offence then I think the etiquette would be to stay for the first dance and cutting of the cake, which should normally be shortly after the speeches.

Play it by ear on the day, though. Virtually every wedding that I have been to has had a few rooms available, so that while the dancing takes place in the biggest room there is also a quieter place for guests who want to chat.

Fatted · 23/06/2019 16:06

Absolutely fine. I went to a wedding when I was six months pregnant and absolutely hated the evening do when everyone else was getting drunk and I wasn't. Really wish I'd just left after the meal.

Pipandmum · 23/06/2019 16:07

I’ve been on my own at wedding - I once travelled 3000 miles to the wedding of my oldest friend and I only knew her and her family. I stayed well into the dancing part - I didn’t dance myself but there were more people not dancing than dancing. You just have to put yourself out there, introduce yourself and act like a grown up who can make conversation with strangers! You don’t have to stay to the very end but do make an effort. You may surprise yourself!

LazyLizzy · 23/06/2019 16:10

Nothing wrong with leaving after the meal, if I was the bride I would just be delighted that you came at all.

Don't worry about missing the first dance and cake cutting, they are not the important bits.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 23/06/2019 16:11

I’d stay for about an hour and before people really start the drinking then leave.

OrdinarySnowflake · 23/06/2019 16:18

I would stay for the first dance, then go. At that point, the evening guests will have arrived, it wont be too boozy yet, and you can slip away unnoticed.

Potplant · 23/06/2019 16:18

Perfectly reasonable. I had two couples do it at mine because of childcare.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 23/06/2019 16:21

So you'll have other friends there but they're all coupled up? I'm sure they'll still talk to you! I'd try to stick it out as long as you can, it does look a bit odd to leave immediately after the meal.

Nicolastuffedone · 23/06/2019 16:25

I’d leave after the first dance. If your ex is going to be there and you’d prefer to away before he gets drunk, I’m sure you’ll friend will understand. Tell her beforehand what your plans are and you can leave quietly without any fuss.

Purpleartichoke · 23/06/2019 16:28

I concur with the first dance and cake cutting being the marker of leaving acceptability.

Hate the drinking and dancing portion of weddings anyway. I really just want to see the happy couple have a few dances and then head home.

BackforGood · 23/06/2019 16:31

Of course that is fine.
YANBU at all.
Depends on the timing of the day really - if there is a big gap between the end of the meal and the evening, then I wouldn't wait just to 'witness the first dance' - seems a bit illogical.

Original poster

Shootingstar1115 · 23/06/2019 16:32

Thanks all. I will stay for the first dance! Forgot about that one then I’ll be off!

OP posts:

Original poster

Shootingstar1115 · 23/06/2019 16:34

It’s a late wedding (4.30pm) which is better I guess. So I assume it will be ceremony, photos, wedding breakfast, speeches, first dance??

I haven’t been to a wedding in many years now so I’m a bit out of touch!

OP posts:

elizzza · 23/06/2019 16:39

Absolutely fine but I’m going to go against the pp who said let her know in advance - unless it’s a very small wedding it’s unlikely the couple will notice what time you leave and there’s no reason she needs to know. She’ll have lots of her mind in the run up to the wedding and someone telling me that would’ve made me feel bad that they felt uncomfortable, I’d probably have started stressing about ways I could make them feel better on the day etc, which doesn’t seem like it’s necessary. Just enjoy as much of the day as you can then leave quietly.

strawberry2017 · 23/06/2019 16:52

Leave when you are ready to leave, once people start mingling after the food it won't be noticeable. They might not do the dance that early and in all honesty do you really want to see it?
2 people swaying together for less then a minute before they drag other couples in coz they don't want the attention.
Go home to your family and enjoy your evening with them, you will have been at the important bit. X

redcarbluecar · 23/06/2019 16:57

Perfectly reasonable. I agree with PP, leave when you feel ready

SpoonBlender · 23/06/2019 17:07

Leave whenever you prefer. The wedding itself is the ceremony. No one will notice or care! I'd gladly skip all the speeches but you're usually tied down by being at table still for those.

We did accidentally miss the speeches once, a friend hadn't phrased the invite terribly well so we thought we were at the ceremony, skip lunch+speeches, then back for the party. Bride told us she wished she'd gone out to the nearby pub with us for that bit...

Leeds2 · 23/06/2019 17:10

Not unreasonable at all - go home when you feel ready to.

If you are worried about your ex being there, could you ask your friend in advance if he has been invited/accepted?

BitchyArriver · 23/06/2019 17:10

Standard etiquette is to wait till the cake is cut. I wouldn’t worry about leaving as soon as that’s done.

EmrysAtticus · 23/06/2019 17:22

I don't ever stay for evening dos as I can't stand them. See the first dance and then I am off.

Triskaidekaphilia · 23/06/2019 17:50

One of my bridesmaids who is one of my oldest friends left after the first dance, didn't mind at all as I could see why she wouldn't enjoy it and she had to get a train back home as didn't want to stay where I live.

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