Struggling with older mum and family dynamics

[user9777893121]

My mum was v emotionally abusive growing up. She would weekly/monthly threaten to kill herself, was emotionally all over the place and her own eating problems and view of my figure as disgusting, led me to be bulimic for 10 years (she has no clue about that or she would say she was going to kill herself as poor her for having a daughter with such problems). I was always expected to look after her, counsel her and heard things I shouldn't have heard as a child.

Fast forward several years and she's now more chilled out but still difficult. I love her immensely but she hurts me deeply. She has always considered me her best friend and I have always been close to her despite the abuse.

I have always been there for her, while she always clearly favoured my (admittedly very wonderful) brother.

She's just come out of hospital and wanted him to live with her for a few days, not me. It hurt me but I'm busy and let it go. He was lovely with her and looked after her. She went back to hospital and has come out again. I visited her everyday in hospital both times using up loads of annual leave and struggled with childcare after school etc... My brother can't stay with her again as he's used his leave and I can't stay with her now either due to leave, but have offered her to live with me and my family (DH and two small DCs) - she can have her own room, I can cook for her, make her drinks, etc .. we would all be very quiet and give her her space.

As I was growing up my mum drummed into me that I should never, ever let her go into a nursing home.she wanted me to promise I'd kill her first - obviously I refused to do that!! But she was insistent she'd kill herself before going to a home. It was a family script and I always prepared for the fact I'd have to look after her in old age and promised she'd never have to go to a nursing home.

She's now decided she'd rather go to a home than come and stay with me. I'm deeply hurt. I know full well that if my brother offered to have her stay with him and his family, she'd accept in an instant.

I know she's vulnerable at the moment and it's her decision where to go to rest, but I can't help feeling pushed out at a time when I thought she'd want and need her daughter more than ever.

Anyone?

I think you need to let go of the idea of having a loving mother as you would expect them to be, realise this is not your fault...maybe have a look at sites like Out of the FOG for some help.

outofthefog.website

As your relationship with her has been difficult it seems you are still trying to be the perfect daughter to win her approval. As she is now wanting to go to a home that seems the best option - it doesn’t matter what she said previously. It will save you from a difficult time juggling her needs with your children’s. You are not abandoning her.

It does seem like active rejection after you've done so much for her. That must really sting.

Maybe it is time to really step back a bit. Take stock of your relationship with her.

Your childhood sounds really rough because of her behaviour. She's so very fortunate that you're still around, supporting her.

If it were me though, I'd definitely start doing less for her and have less contact. She's never going to be the mother you want her to be.

I'm sorry.

Also why would you offer for her to live with you and subject your children to her dramatics?

God she sounds awful. Distance yourself from her she doesn't deserve your love. I cant see how you can love her when shes so vile to you.

It is sad but I think you are lucky that she wants to go into a home. Most older people don't. You may even find the relationship improves as you will just be visiting when you want to and won't have to do caring for her.

Whats in her life that made her like this?

sounds like you, your DH and most importantly your DCs may have a very lucky escape if your emotionally abusive mother is now deciding to go to a home rather than stay with you; I am sorry you are hurt and I know you say that you love her but this may just be an attempt on her side to further manipulate you and your brother...

Yes you say how abusive she was and now you would be Ok with her being around your DC? You need to think about that. You became bulimic - are you not angry about that?

I think you've dodged a bullet. She could have caused all sorts of problems in your house with your family. It's not just you, is it? There's DH and the dc to consider. Maybe she realizes that it's not a good idea and she's just trying to save you from yourself.

Thanks for all your replies. They ring v true and have helped me feel validated. I will look at that fog website, thank you. It's hard because she is like jekyl and Hyde. On the one hand she is (and has always seemed) very very vulnerable. At times she comes across very caring, but on the other she is manipulative and cruel and the opposite of caring. As a child I was always seeking to find her caring side (not helped by the fact I received it sometimes and could never predict it) but the vulnerability and cruelty were more apparant. The vulnerability turned me into her carer, her mum which is probably why I still feel the need to look after her. The cruelty though has had me in bits myself.

I can see the op still loves her even though she is constantly pushed off. When you have suffered a lifetime of this you become a people pleaser, thinking that if only you went that extra mile, did more, behaved the way she liked, took presents and flowers more she would start loving you as much as the others.

Sadly that isn't going to happen op. You will probably always love her and do your best for her ...nothing wrong with that ...but you need to put some emotional distance between you. Stop trying harder when she rejects you ...withdraw a bit. If you respond to rejection by trying harder you are being manipulated. Manipulators often have a strong sense of self preservation and she is likely to stop playing you off against your brother when she realizes you are not playing the game.
A good response to 'I'd rather have your brother' is Ooh ...thats lovely ...dh and I were thinking of a few days away that week/going to decorate the spare bedroom/ going to theatre/dinners out/cinema a lot that week if you're sorted. Enjoy time with db. See you when we get back/finish decorating ext'.

Shift the power balance op. Pretend it doesn't bother you even if it does. Fake it till you make it good luck.

Thanks shiningstar2 :)

You're stuck in a very unhealthy dynamic with your mother.

I've been through a similar childhood, my DM is very emotionally unstable and has borderline personality disorder.

I cut contact for 2 years when I was around 30, and sought counselling and CBT. I desperately needed to cut all the strings of guilt and obligation I felt towards her.

It hasn't been easy and I'm sure it won't always be easy but I have a great relationship with her now.

-Boundaries
-Boundaries
-Boundaries.

You are not responsible for her happiness. You cannot make her happy. Nothing you can do or say will fix everything. She is an adult and responsible for herself.

I hope you get where you need to be; I know how tough it is to realise your DM will never be the mum you need. But with boundaries, you can still have a positive relationship.

*Boundaries
-Boundaries
-Boundaries.

You are not responsible for her happiness. You cannot make her happy. Nothing you can do or say will fix everything. She is an adult and responsible for herself*

This.

Yes to everything everyone else has said.

I would worry very much about having that woman around my children in my house.

Try to feel positive about her going to a nursing home. You will be able to visit her when you want to knowing she is being looked after.