Hello, I don't really know what I'm looking for, but I'm lost and something has just clicked in me the past week and I have opened my eyes. I have been with my partner nearly 8 years. We married less than 12 months ago. I have two children 10yr old from a previous dv relationship, and a 2 year old from my husband. The husband has always had a short temper and I've always known the name calling and swearing is abuse. Such things as spastic, skett, spacka, thick, useless, ugly, fat, whore, and f this and f that. But I have put it down to just in a heated argument for so long, doesn't mean it. He was violent many years ago, he has has spells with alcohol abuse as well. I got pregnant and he changed for the better..things were great. Then we got married and it's been getting worse with the name calling. He says sorry but then says he has s short temper and knows he doesn't mean it so I shouldn't get upset and should just forgive him. Give it few weeks and he either Denys it ever happening or tells me it was my fault that I pushed him to it. He's fallen out with family and friends and had threatened my family to me. All in heated argument. Then there is the lightbulb moment where I'm finally seeing all the manipulation and gas lighting. Such as the denying it. He calls me names directly to my 2year old and in front of the kids. My eldest who is not his can't breath without being told off and our arguments stem from me defending him. Calls him stupid and a Mongol.. he tells me the kids don't like me that my opinion means nothing and no one cares what I think. A disgraceful, disgusting human being. Worthless and should hang myself. He's been off work with depression and had counciling (or so he tells me) he hid his drinking so I can't believe this. My eldest now doesn't want to be at home and I feel like I've let him down. He's not had it easy with his own dad. Here is my problem, I only had 3 months maternity leave, my husband took the rest of the time off with the little one. I was the breadwinner so went back to work. So he has been involved in everything and has an incredible bond with the little one. But since the little one my eldest has been pushed out. Husband had told me no one will want me and if I meet anyone and he's near his son he will but us both in a hole. (I don't want anyone, but the fear of threat is real) he tells me I'm abusive by being moody all the time. That he responds the way I deserve. He's told me he is taking my youngest and the house if we split up. And he has In argument just walked out the door with my youngest. I don't doubt he would take him. But as he's done just as much from birth as Me I can't say I'm a stay at home mom and child should be with me. I'm terrified of losing my baby. I feel torn between my children. How can I choose between them. I just can't.
The house is social housing and in my name only. But apparently he has a legal right to it as well as we are married. The house was given to me and my eldest. We was homless to receive it. Don't claim any benefits. I work and love my job, I've worked really hard for it. Albeit husband tells me I'm not clever and just landed it. Im also a student with working full time.
Everything in the house I've paid for in terms of items. I don't want to give up my home and my eldest home and I don't want to lose my baby. I have no doubt he will cause problems at work as well..he's called my office when we've had disagreements. He's also very good at pretending to the outside world how devoted to me he is. And he can be incredibly nice and tells me he loves me all the time. I feel like I'm going crazy, I know I need out of this relationship and I know it will not be easy. I've done it before. But my ex was obvious abuse I knew that straight away, this time it's manipulation. Constant accused of cheating etc as well. He's very lazy with the house and if I ask him to clean up his mess or to refold the laundry I've just folded rather than knock it all over I get a gob full. We work same hours and bills are a 50/50 split. I do end up covering extra expenses or when he has no money (even though he can buy alcohol,)
So how do I get round staying in the house and making him leave and keeping my son. I'm scared of social services taking my kids until he's gone but I refuse to give up our home. I left it in my name to protect myself and my eldest after everything we went through before. lesson learned from my ex but doesn't seem it makes much a difference. I have some audio recordings as evidence but I always miss the worse bit. Photos of hidden alcohol and some text MSG's evidence. But none of it shows the true extent of it.
I feel so stuipid for getting married, how could I not see it! How could I fail my eldest again!
Lost, failed mom.