Should I Be OK With DH Working With Woman He Previously Had A 'Thing' With?

[TellMeHowToFeel]

Not sure how I should feel about this.

2 years ago, DH had a 'thing' with a woman he worked with. Thing as in lots of flirting, some sexual. Overly friendly texts. And a very frank conversation where they admitted they fancied each other so should probably back off the flirting as both had partners. DH told me all about this, because at a work do I attended it was so ridiculously obvious that there was something between them and I confronted him. As it happened, I too had had an EA which had ended a year previously so I told him all about that too. We both went to couples counselling to work through the underlying issues, I cut all contact with the OM and DH moved to a new job so didn't have to see OW again.

Fast forward to now. Our relationship got vastly better and survived. But DH has been offered a big promotion which would involve going back to work in the same office as OW again. Should I be bothered by this? Or do I just accept it and go with it?

I can understand your upset and think that it would be playing with fire for him to take the job. It would be a hard no from me, boundaries have already been well and truly crossed between them and you've obviously worked hard to get your relationship back on track. What does your DH have to say about this?

I think he should prioritise your marriage and not work with this woman.

Promotion or marriage. That's the choice. Unfortunately, even with the best of intentions, they cannot co-exist under these circumstances. He'll have an affair, you'll lose your mind or both.

You both did the almost impossible and pulled your marriage back from the brink. This will find the loose thread in that marriage and pull.

My dh had an EA with a woman he worked with. I insisted he avoid her as much ad humanly possible. (impossible to avoid her completely as they were primary school teachers at the same school). Part of our reconciliation agreement was that he wouldn't attend work functions, wouldn't work in the same team as this woman, wouldn't engage with her unless he had to. (These were things he put into place in a hope of trying to get me to give him a second chance, not my rules btw). She ended up leaving. The atmosphere was apparently awful and she tried and failed a few times to get him to engage as a 'friend'. Dh refused and so she left. YANBU. It has catastrophe written all over it.

He should turn it down. If he accepts it, you'll probably keep wondering if there's anything going on again. You should be his priority.

absolutely not. won't end well.

It will blow up big style.
You should be bothered because it’s dangerous

It won't end well. My wife had an affair with a work colleague also a teacher but at a secondary school. We also did what whatsername7 did but my wife still carried on the friendship and god knows whst else. It was all just lies.
We are now nearly one year into divorce proceedings.
You will never trust him and it will destroy you.

Absolutely not. It will not end well.

You're both wasting your time
Divorce

If he takes up the offer it will be a disaster waiting to happen.
The attraction and pull will still be there.
Protect yourself and make a stand.

Thank you all. We talked last night and DH explained that he's apparently been applying to roles left right and centre to try and avoid this scenario but has been getting rejection after rejection for roles that wouldn't avoid a substantial impact to our family. The trouble is he's on a very good package and we have a huge mortgage so it isn't that easy to just walk away if they're telling him his next role needs to be here. Of course he can refuse the promotion and stay put in the post he has where he has no interaction with OW but that will essentially end his longterm career with the company.

He kept telling me he loves me and I have nothing to worry about but I agree with all those who have said about hard lines...We both did wrong. I actually did worse than DH. But I'm completely committed to never having even the slightest contact with my OM again. The difficulty is I can see what my DH is saying, that he is too but circumstances seem to be forcing him to have no choice - in which case am I being unreasonable not to accept it?

You have to lay ground rules down. No non-work related contact. No nights out with the team, transparency over interactions, mobile phone free for checking etc. Our councillor was absolutely brilliant when dh and I went through our thing and those were the things she insisted on. I have no doubt your dh's feelings have shifted - almost losing everything puts things into perspective. Hers have probably moved on too. Still, do everything you can to protect your marriage.

Of course he can refuse the promotion and stay put in the post he has where he has no interaction with OW but that will essentially end his longterm career with the company

But will it really? Have they said/implied that if he doesn't take this promotion, he'll be sidelined forever?

Attraction is a funny thing - IME, once that attraction has been there, it never really goes away especially when the 'relationship' (or EA) ended because it had to, not because they really wanted it to.

@MsVestibule that's precisely what I said to him re: attraction. I think the only solution to our situation was avoidance. I do (think) I believe him that nothing would happen again...But I'd still know he'd see her and be attracted to her. That there'd be exchanged knowing looks between them and all that other rubbish. By the same token...he's married, not dead - there are probably hundreds of women he sees and is attracted to; I can't expect him to never work with any of them so long as he doesn't go off having EAs with them!

Re: the promotion, he's been with this company many years and we know them very well and how they work by now. So I'm pretty confident he's right about the fact that if he doesn't take this, he'll just be left to stagnate in his current role until he finally leaves. He's at the very top pay scale he can be without taking promotion and has quite a unique set of circumstances which don't make him the easiest to employ/ move into other roles, so this promotion is not a two-a-penny opportunity for him.