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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: Dating man off tindr for 2 weeks, he assures me he isn't using the app but his location changes.. do I leave?

45 replies

Loka123 · 22/06/2019 19:32

AIBU: Dating man off tindr for 2 weeks, he assures me he isn't using the app but his location changes on it frequently.. do I leave?

Yes 2 weeks isn't very long at all (and we've had just 2 dates in the time, both which he initiated) but he says he doesn't use the app, hasn't got time to date multiple people and prefers to concentrate on just one person (me) yet I know he does as his location constantly changes.

& yes I know I technically have to go on it to check whether he's on it but every time I've checked, his location often updates to where he is.

I know I'm probably going to get slated for thinking he shouldn't be on it after only knowing me for 2 weeks but I don't envision any "relationship" which started with one person still playing the field as it were after meeting twice, going on to become long term right? Seems more like a back-up plan..!

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 22/06/2019 21:11

A quick search shows this:

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 22/06/2019 21:11

Oops posted too soon.

When does Tinder update your location? I.e. if a match’s distance changed, does that mean they were online?
Tinder updates your location when you open the app. As long as you are inactive on Tinder, it will use your last known position. So if a match’s distance changed (and your location didn’t), that means they opened the app in a different location.

Somerford · 22/06/2019 21:11

You're still using the app, otherwise you wouldn't have this information. I presume you aren't using it for its primary purpose and you're checking up on him, really really weird after two dates. Sorry but it's way too much. You'll be lucky to get a third date if you carry on like this and even if you do, you're going to fuck it up sooner or later with this kind of mindset. Even if you resolve this location thing, that won't be the end of it. You'll be kicking off about all sorts of trivial nonsense and eventually he'll get sick of it, anybody would if they had someone scrutinizing things to this degree especially when you've only seen the guy twice. Pack it in OP, it isn't on him to be on high alert at all times for things that may or may not set you off. It's on you to get a grip of it.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 22/06/2019 21:12

That said, it's only been two weeks and two dates. I wouldn't have deleted it either until it started getting more serious.

Orangeballon · 22/06/2019 21:13

Men use dating apps to find available women, he’s probably trolling the local area looking for a hook up.

Celebelly · 22/06/2019 21:18

Men use dating apps to find available women

Well, that is entirely the point of them! Grin

Original poster
Loka123 · 22/06/2019 22:01

But surely if it's so acceptable and fine for him to be still using it, why didn't he just say that to me instead of assuring me totally he isn't using it? I even said it's fine if you are and he repeatedly insisted he doesn't as he doesn't want to.. it's the dishonesty which feels like a red flag to me more than anything else.

OP posts:
saraclara · 22/06/2019 22:03

He's probably only using it to check up on you, just as you're checking up on him.

Seems like you're made for each other.

Sagradafamiliar · 22/06/2019 22:04

Oh my good fucking god. You aren't for real though are you? You cannot be for real.

BobbyBrewstersMagicTorch · 22/06/2019 22:06

He's probably got it set to always rather than when using the app. If you don't trust him to tell you the truth then don't see him again.

fotheringhay · 22/06/2019 22:11

Ah, I was just about to ask if it's the dishonesty that's concerning you, not him actually being on there. Yes it is worrying if he's lying to you. Even in the very early days you don't want someone who'd tell a flat out lie, especially as you said you'd be fine with it

fotheringhay · 22/06/2019 22:12

Agree it's a read flag (if only a small one) - he's put you on edge already. Might as well go with your instincts as you've nothing really to lose

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 22/06/2019 22:16

Did you tell him you were still on Tinder?

ThatLightIsBright · 22/06/2019 22:21

My DH and I met when I was all over the place. Although not via online/app. I didn’t want to be in a relationship at all, even though we clicked instantly and had so much chemistry. I had just left a horrible emotionally abusive long term relationship and had been cheated on. So we weren’t exclusive for several months. I was very honest with him. We both dated other people, but I did a lot more of it. He was dating one other person when we met, but quickly ended it after a few dates with me. But I truely wasn’t ready for commitment, it took me longer to settle.
We are still together 10 years later, married, very happy and very exclusive! I think lots of relationships start out non-exclusive, it’s doesnt mean the relationship is doomed or they aren’t “the one”.

ThatCurlyGirl · 22/06/2019 22:21

Aside from anything else...

Do any of that say I'm expecting too much, be still using the app if you met someone you really could see becoming long term? Potential for the "one" can be felt even fairly early on, right?

I've felt "it" early on about people who have ended up being INCREDIBLY wrong for me! He's going at a sensible pace and totally reasonable for two weeks.

Of course lying isn't great but to be honest you're lying by omission if you're not telling him you've seen he's likely still using it. Technically you're lying if you've said you've stopped using it as you are, just to check on him!

My friend was in the same boat as you and was frantic that someone she'd been on a tiny number of dates with kept changing distance from her so she thought he was using the app. One of our mates reminded her she has a sales job travelling all over the UK.

He hadn't been using it at all, the distance had changed because she was always moving 😂 he broke up with her for confronting him dramatically about it so early on. Lesson learned I think!

galaxy101 · 22/06/2019 22:22

My 'tinder guy' who I've been seeing for 7 months now only deleted tinder a couple weeks back, as did I. Neither of us had used it in months, kind of just forgot it was there.

You're two weeks (and two dates) in, he wouldn't be out of line to still be using tinder, just cool it down and chill.

DifficultSituation19 · 22/06/2019 22:23

Yes it means he is actively opening the app if his location changes. But who knows, maybe he’s opening it to check on you?!

After two dates, it’s really not a big deal.

Hahaha88 · 22/06/2019 22:30

FFS not another one of these?? Two dates man it's been two dates!!! Bunny boiler alert
Fwiw I used to go on the dating site after I started talking to my now oh, not to talk to other guys but to look at his profile, not to see whether he'd been online (which mine didn't tell you anyways) but to look at his profile to recall something or to show my mate his pic etc. there are other explanations for him being "online" than him talking to other girls

VladmirsPoutine · 22/06/2019 22:45

After 2 dates, 2 weeks and all this drama if I were either of you I'd be running for the hills at the speed of light.

Original poster
Loka123 · 23/06/2019 10:35

Thanks for all the responses so far everyone.

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