Having second child more terrifying than first?

[dreamedout]

Nearly all of my friends who have had second children are much more relaxed as they 'know what to expect' - but even though I'm not having a second anytime soon, I'm absolutely terrified of the idea.

Awful pregnancy, high risk and terrifying, lots of bleeding, placental failure, IUGR, hyperemesis.

Awful labour. Abusive ex left me on my own and came back for the last 5 minutes (genuinely, he left the hospital and went shopping). Happened very quickly. Not taken seriously by midwives. Was left on my own without pain relief until I was 9.5cm then everyone panicked because 'I couldn't possibly be more than 2cm so quickly'. Nobody believed I was in full blown labour and I suffered the whole thing on my own. It was terrifying.

Awful post labour. Baby was poorly, in hospital for a week, poorly at home. Not good. He's ok now thankfully.

2 weeks later admitted with potential sepsis. Wasn't sepsis but did have a bad infection. Was discharged a week later.

Left my abusive ex and am now parenting on my own. He's 8 months old and I still feel in shell shock a bit.

So, yes I'm single and no I'm not planning on having another anytime soon, but I like to think that if I meet the right person I might have another.

Apart from.... I'm fucking terrified!

Please tell me I'm not alone?

You had an exceptionally traumatic and nasty time, I’m sorry you experienced that .

I think it’s perfectly normal to want to protect yourself from future trauma but in all likelihood if you find a nice partner in future, history won’t repeat itself. Eight months isn’t very long, it’s still raw and fresh.

It's such a horrible feeling. I feel like I need to move on from it all but it was all so tough.

Fear of the unknown with the first .... second one not as scary still anxious but not as bad

@cavalier I still have that fear of unknown feeling.

Pregnant with my second and am absolutely terrified of labour as my first labour was horrific, we both nearly died. Worried how I will BF this one like I did DS. I hear you OP.

And you have come through so much - you must be so proud of yourself

Thanks @nespressowoo - I know how you feel. I'm scared and not even pregnant. I really hope it all goes as smoothly as possible for you.

The idea of my son having a sibling makes me so happy, but reaching that point (meeting a new partner, pregnancy, labour etc) scares the shit out of me.

Thanks for your kind message and truly wishing you and your little one all the best

I know it is hard not to worry but ai have a good news tale. I had everything going pain relief wise, double episiotomy forceps and 3 corrective surgeries after birth 1.

9 year gap because of trauma. However terrified as I was 2nd birth was an altogether different experience, just gas and air, no stitches etc. Hopefully my good news story will show there is no reason why your 2nd shouldn't be as lovely and not mirror your first.

Sweet your baby is 8 months - why are you even thinking about your second?

You will potentially feel very different in 1, 2, 7 years time and want another - or you may not. Dont dwell on it now though just enjoy your baby.

Remember it is still early days. Your son is still a baby.

I had an abusive partner and met my current partner when my child was 6. I am still scared to have another baby again due to the fears of my previous experience, even though my partner is completely different to my ex.

There is no rush. Take your time, focus on your son and make sure your next partner is a decent fellow.

Can you access any counselling to talk about what you went through? My birth was nowhere near as traumatic as yours but I couldn't talk about it for ages without crying and I couldn't look at the photos of me in the hospital for ages.

4 years later I'm pregnant with DC2 and yes I'm scared (especially as I now have gestational diabetes so another layer of worry) but I've got to the point where I can be optimistic that it won't be as bad as last time (long labour ending in emcs), am under consultant care and am hoping for a natural birth if possible.

I hope you find someone else who values you and your child more than your ex did, don't rush into having another baby until you feel ready. Small age gaps aren't everything.

It's still early days and things are still fresh for you, it's possible that at some point in the future your desire to have another child will override your anxiety about it. It sounds like you had a hideous time of it first time round and with a new partner and new set of circumstances things would be very different.
In terms of labour, I'm another one who had a horrible first birth with an ambulance transfer to hospital, baby stuck, nearly 18 hours of back to back contractions and assisted delivery. Second time round had baby three hours after getting to hospital and just had gas and air for the last 20 mins. Even if things hadn't gone as well you know that your body has done it before and that you can do it again.

It's understandable that you feel that way, your experience sounds awful.

I think your midwives will take into account that you have had emotional trauma from the first pregnancy and labour.

When the time comes, you might want to hire a doula, or have a friend or family member as your advocate (hopefully as well as your partner but maybe you'd feel more confident knowing you weren't relying on just one person).

It's taken me almost 3 years to even consider having another, and that's within a loving, caring, stable marriage. And I still won't consider TTC until my first is in full time school nursery because he is such a force of nature and always has been. I had a long, arduous birth and I can't imagine trying to recover and run after and entertain a toddler too. Or be up all night with a teething baby and then parent all day adequately etc.

You have just escaped an abusive relationship, a horrendous birth experience and all the trauma of a poorly baby and then you also ill, don't discount the effect it had and still has, the ripples of it all. Take your time to heal. Enjoy your baby. See what happens in the future but sort you out first, and your little one too obviously. Well done on escaping.

Thank you @dreamedout - means a lot. Wishing you lots of happiness. Enjoy your baby now, 8 months is a lovely lovely age. I loved it. X

I feel for you but it has only been 8 months, give it time. Consider counselling and just enjoy your lo. You not only had a terrifying experience but had to deal with an abusive ex too, definitely take the time to heal.

I had a horrible experience with dd which made me not want anymore. I then fell pregnant when she was 6 months and had to get my head around doing it all again. I was much more vocal about my concerns second time round , took all the pain relief I could get my hands on, made sure I took all the help and support offered and it was better in some ways.

Have you had a birth debrief? Everyone I know that has asked for one has found it helpful and I felt much better after mine. I know my hospital had a fear release service for pregnant women who had had traumatic labours.

Also second labours can be so different. My first was a total shit show, leaving me feeling broken and traumatised. My second was textbook wonderful- no drugs, quick, manageable. If I’d only had labours like my second, I’m sure I would have been a smug cow feeling pleased with my hyponbirthing prowess. I would have never appreciated the different level of pain I had with my first.

Thanks everyone.

It's sad but I'm scared that men that are supportive and loving and kind aren't out their.

Even when I had morning sickness my ex was banging on the door telling me to hurry up

It took me 3 years to even think about having another one. And my situation was nowhere near anything like yours. Just a very very long labour with 3rd degree tears.

For what it’s worth, my 2nd labour was a piece of cake compared to my first. I’ve heard that with so many other women too.

Please believe there are some amazing men out there. Hopefully the next time round it will all be very different for you. In the meantime enjoy your little one and look after yourself xx

dreamedout Could you have aromatherapy and hypnosis ? .... or just meditation classes 😀💐

When I was pregnant with my second DD I said fear is imagining, terror is knowing.

When DD 2 was born it was a natural birth no need for any pain relief., nothing like the first one.