What do you do if you know an acquaintance is almost definitely a victim of DV?

[DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou]

Say for example you went to a pub regularly (it's not a pub but for this instance it is) and you witnessed the female chef screaming at one of the barmaids one morning outside the pub and her hands round the bar maids throat accusing the barmaid of fucking other people.
Say you reported it to the manager, the manager sacked the chef but you go to the pub a few times since and the barmaid has massive bruises on her face.
(You tell the manager again and they say they haven't asked her where she got the bruises but they agree that it's probably from the same person)...

Hypothetically speaking (🙄) is there anything you can do?

You don't know the barmaid surname or where she lives but you do know she has a child because she happened to mention it a year ago.

I don't know . A decade ago I had sneaking suspicions that a friend of mine was being beaten/abused by her husband. We then moved away from the area and I've tried to contact her since but her mobile is dead, emails aren't answered, she's disappeared from facebook .... I sincerely hope she left him and has started a new life with a new identity but I honestly fear that he's killed her.

Can you ask the manager to speak to her, to ask if she's OK?

I don't think the manager asking if she's ok will have much welly ☹️

I've no doubt after the reported incident he asked her that.

Bugger all then.

As I suspected.
Poor bloody woman. The bruise today was the whole side of her face.

Can you report to the police? I was a victim of domestic abuse and the police were amazing support. She may already be in talks with domestic abuse charities, and a report from an external source may help her case. Obviously it's speculation though. You could call a local domestic abuse charity for advice?

Can you call 101 and give them what information you have? They might do a wellness check or something? I would feel powerless in your shoes OP but would do all I could think of to help.

A wellness check where though? Her work?

I don't think they would do that.

I am tempted to call a line of some sort to see if there is any advice.

If you are sure she has a child I would report to social services as a safeguarding issue
Even without a child you could report as a safeguarding issue if you feel she is a vulnerable adult
I think these days most areas have Multi agency safeguarding hubs (MASH team) which include health police fire social services etc - look on your local council or county council website

I work for the police as a dispatcher. If you report this it would be considered in my force as a “3rd party report of DV” and every possible effort would be made to speak to the barmaid, in fact we would not be closing off our job until we had - or every single line of enquiry to speak to her had been exhausted.
Report it, she might be too frightened or dominated to do it herself. We deal with loads of 3rd party reports via concerned friends , family members or just concerned passers by - and the abuse that some of these victims are suffering in silence is terrifying.

Thank you. I will call the non-emergency number tonight and see what they say.

I will also call a women's help line as well in case I'm missing anything else.

I would go to the Police as you have actually witnessed an assault first hand with threatening and intimidating behaviour, then tell them about your suspicions of your cause for concern for her.

I was going to say social services as you know she has a child.

I would have rang 999 at the time.

Report to police, speak to your local women's aid - they are very helpful. Maybe pass their number to the bar maid for when she is ready

Definitely police as well as social services - for child protection and even as adult protection as certainly the child is vulnerable and she may also be considered a vulnerable person.

Police as well as social services. You are doing the right thing.

If you are calling the police you don’t need to call social services.
A) social services won’t investigate on such little information that you have, they just don’t have the resources and
B) when police attend anything where a child has come to police attention (particularly as part of a dv incident) we submit a “child to notice” form which is shared with social workers in our Multi Agency Safeguarding Hubs. The police will be obliged to track down the lady and speak to her and therefore this will be done - with all the information you don’t have

Thanks. I did a bit more digging on Facebook and know her surname and the rats full name. Which is helpful.

Can you give her the number for Women's Aid, and say quietly "you're not alone and yes, it is that bad"?

I suppose it depends to a certain extent whether you want her to confide in you and how much support you are able and willing to give.

update and I need advice. Even though I think I know what I'm going to do.

So the police officer called me tonight. They spoke to the victim and she doesn't want to press chargers and the police officer of course didn't disclose what she said about the bruises but he did kind of hint that she had been quite open about the whole trying (?).

So this leads us to trying to prosecute the abuser using a third party witness - me.

He asked if I would stand up in court.
I said of course, I can't stand back and let a woman and child be at risk of this person.

But I live in a small town and I gave a VERY unusual name. There's no one else out there (according to the internet) with my surname (thanks to merging my very unusual DH's surname with my very usual maiden name). And I asked that the abuser not get my name or see my face.

He said that's just not possible. She would find out my name from the statement.

I have to think about my family being at risk of this aggressive bastard and now it's put me off being a third party witness.

I know it’s easy for me to say, but I’d give a statement and wouldn’t care.

Because I’d want someone to do it for me.

But I wouldn’t judge you for deciding not to.

Can't you use your maiden name?

It's official documents that they'll use in court. I can't give a fake name.

I'm withdrawing from it and just going direct to SS. Anonymously.

I have to say, I'm shocked how little input there's been on here.

Wow. I'm honestly not sure what I'd do.
The reality is the conviction rates for these sorts of thing is low. Especially is she's going to stand by him.

I would have to think it through. As you say it's a small town so I assume it's hard to hide.

Did the case get reported to SS in the end?

Even if he did get convicted could you guarantee she won't stay with him?

You could be potentially putting yourself at risk for somebody who won't help themselves.

Exactly.

You have spoken every single thought I have.

It's a bugger isn't it???