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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What should I do?

4 replies

dishpanhands · 22/06/2019 09:39

NC due to the issue below.

Split with ex several years ago due to his violence. He was cautioned with assaulting my child (not biologically his).

He is still allowed access to our biological child. He has never paid any maintenance and continued to be verbally abusive/threatening towards me. He has parental responsibility. He stalks me on social media. I’m not posting anything nasty about him or anything to wind him up. He’s just obsessed with me and I feel he is still trying to control me.

He tells others the marriage breakdown was my fault. He denies ever being violent and claims I made it up for attention seeking. I do have all the paperwork to prove what happened. He lied about his past when he was married to me and I wouldn’t have married him if I’d known he had a history of being violent. I assume his current partner is unaware of his past.

Our child has fallen out with a child who lives near his house. It’s just the usual trivial children falling out on social media. I have spoken to our child about it and reminded them of how they should behave. They have apologised and shown remorse and promised not to do it again. As far as I’m concerned, it’s over and should really be forgotten about.

During this incident, he has found out that our child has told the other childs parents about his history of domestic violence. He is furious about this. He has logged into our childs mobile and disabled it remotely. He has done this before out of sheer spite. I don’t know the log in to reactivate the phone.

He claims the other childs parents have involved the Police as a lot more serious bullying has gone on. He won’t tell me what the bullying is, won’t tell me the name of the officer dealing with this and said the Police need the phone for their enquiries. He wants to read all of our childs activity on the phone. Our child has no idea what this bullying is.

Our child doesn’t want him to read their private conversations. There’s nothing alarming in the conversations but they’re a young teen now and feel uncomfortable with their Dad reading their personal conversations.

I have several abusive messages threatening that he is going to report me to the Police, drag me through the courts and all sorts. He’s even threatening to withdraw permission to take our child abroad on a holiday that I’ve already paid for in the school holidays.

I’m just sick of living in fear of him and his threats. This incident has upset our child and they have said they don’t want to see him again.

What is the best course of action to take now? Would the Police be able to do anything or will that make things worse?

OP posts:
Beldon · 22/06/2019 11:48

I would ask to speak to solicitor, the terms of contact may be able to change. I’m not sure on what grounds he would be able to not consent to child going abroad, this normally only happens if danger to child or risk of kidnap. He sounds like a complete idiot, rubbish for you both to have to deal with him. Does your dd want to spend time with him?

oneforthepain · 22/06/2019 12:02

You are right that he is doing all of this to control you. It's continued abuse.

I think you need professional advice.

Rights of Women, Women's Aid, solicitor. And police.

Have you kept a log of all these continuing incidents?

Coercive control is a crime, and it continues to be a crime even if he is your ex. That is what is happening here. It is a police matter, but I think you need to take a whole view approach to protect your child as well since he is targeting them too.

If you do call the police, make sure you start by saying you're calling about "coercive control" with a history of physical violence. If you start by just describing the latest incident with the phone there is a very real risk the call handler will not understand the seriousness of this and will get the hump with you instead of helping you.

Give them your log of all the incidents to show the pattern of behaviour.

Also, if you haven't already done it, after you've dealt with the priorities above, I would recommend going on the Freedom Programme. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It will help you to clearly understand what he is doing and why, which will make it much easier for you to describe and explain to professionals so that they understand you are describing a pattern of coercive control not just an argument about a mobile phone.

It will also help you protect yourself better if you can see what he's doing.

Jemima232 · 22/06/2019 12:09

Buy your child another phone and set the PIN yourself.

Get advice from www.womenaid.org

Sorry he's being so awful.

dishpanhands · 22/06/2019 12:59

Thanks all, especially the long post about coercive control.

He said he can just tell me he has withdrawn permission, then if I go on holiday I can be arrested for child abduction. It's just sheer spite if he withdraws permission.

He has previously tried to change contact arrangements out of spite to stop me doing things. I politely explained why the new arrangements would not work for me and got a sweary rant and threats back. He doesn't like me taking the child places or spending time with them.

Yes I have logs of incidents and have kept emails etc.

I have purchased a new mobile phone so he won't be able to block it ongoing.

I'll read the links above and give it some thought before jumping in and doing anything.

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