DH. Nothing I say makes any difference. What's the point?

[Psynonym]

Sorry, I'm back here whinging again. I updated my previous thread but realised that didn't really make sense. I'm a bit lost and worried that might entire life is a sham tbh.

DS woke up inexplicably at 5am and since then I have been up and down, trying to encourage him back to bed, singing him back to sleep, getting hit in the face when he had a melt down, changing him because he'd pooed in his nappy (still in nappies at night). Now it's 7.30 and we're up having breakfast on the sofa watching Hey Dougie.

Throughout all of this, much if it in mine and DHs bedroom, DH has been laying there, in silence, eyes shut. At one point I said "DH, can you help me? He needs changing but he's having a meltdown." DH got up and immediately came back to bed saying he hadn't done a poo and was fine. I knew he had. So I got up again and took DS downstairs to clean him up myself.

Other than that, DH didn't say a word. He didn't try to help, he didn't say "Don't hit mummy" or mutter a thank you to me for doing everything so he could sleep, just nothing.

I know he's tired because he fell asleep on the sofa last night watching a film. I had gone to settle DS again at about 9.30 and fallen asleep in with him myself. I woke up at 2am and found DH on the sofa. He came to bed. When i came down this morning the door to the living room had been left open meaning the dog had made a bloody nest on the sofa, the lights were on, crisp packets on the floor, stuff from last nights dinner (that I cooked) all over the kitchen...

I just feel like a complete mug. Nothing I've said this week has hit home at all.

When we got married we left London and moved to the other side of the UK to the place DH grew up. It's lovely but not easy as a newcomer or a SAHM. My career has taken a dive. I'm trying to apply for a masters and part time work to start in Sept but my confidence is so low it feels impossible. We're broke because I'm at home and DH is doing a job he loves but doesn't earn much. He's built it up from nothing in 3 years and that's an achievement but still. I have no money of my own. Everything I spend on me and DS (a few quid for soft play, baked potato in supermarket cafe once a week) is scrutinised because we can't afford it. I have one bra that fits me and it's falling apart.

What is the point of me? DS is amazing and my world but I can't live my whole life for him alone.

I know I'm rambling. I don't know what to do. DH says he loves me and he's not a bad guy but I'm starting to wonder if marriage (at least to me) and parenting isn't for him. I'm really lonely. I've said this stuff to him before but nothing really changes.

It's our wedding anniversary next week and he's arranged for his mum to babysit so we can "go for a pint". I don't know if we have anything to celebrate together.

Why are you on the other side of the UK? Is that really what you want? Where’s your support system? Is it in London?

We decided to move here because it's beautiful and a great place to grow up. I don't really have a support system. My mum died when I was in my 20s. Dad remarried and is a bit crap. Most of my friends are in London but don't have kids so our lives are worlds apart now.

Go back to London!

This sounds totally miserable. Is your part time Master’s based in your new location? I also am wondering where your support network is. I feel like I see people all the time posting stuff like this with the line “he’s not a bad guy” but what does that even mean?! He doesn’t abuse you, so that’s good enough? It’s really not.

Any chance of you going out to work OP? Could you find a suitable job? I know people on here sometimes suggest that as if jobs that fit in with dc grow on trees but if you could work it means you would increase your income now and gives you the option of being independent if you decide to LTB.

Ho OP- I posted this in your other thread but then saw you’ve opened a new one -

OP, you sound so lovely. I think if I were you right now, I wouid do something quite dramatic. Tell him you have hit a wall and simply can’t cope. Not a minute longer..Give your DS to him (I know it’s hard, but you can’t go onlike this, that’s for sure), then get in the car and tell him you are going away for some space. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you are probably having a breakdown because you may well be. Even if you’re not there yet, you are definitely at risk.

You HAVE to look after yourself - you are a mum. You matter as much as them. Ask him if he wants his child to have a mentally ill mother. Take yourself out of the whole environment and leave him to think. He needs a shock. He needs to feel the emptiness and see the situation through a different lens. Sometimes you literally have to hit rock bottom to make them understand and see that they need to change.

Leave him with the mess and DS and go. Tell him you are questioning your whole situation and the point of your existence. You don’t know who you are anymore. Do you think you could do something like this?

Leave and go back to where you have friends and career prospects

Your H may love you but he clearly doesn't understand anything about being a team with you now that you're parents.

It's going to be a long conversation.

OP, your situation sounds miserable.
I strongly suggest you get MN to move this to the relationships board. There are many, many women who have been, or are, in the same situation.
Reading the other threads on there will be very helpful too.

He may not be a bad guy, but he's hardly a good one, is he?

He says he loves you. Ok. Anybody could say that. What would it mean?

If he loved you his behaviour would be different and would have changed in response to you. His behaviour isn't that of somebody who loves and respects you.

What would you like to happen? How would you like your life to be?

There's no way in hell I would leave DS with him. I couldn't do that to DS. He's 3.

OP, I’m not surprised that both you and DH are miserable at the moment. You’re not getting enough sleep, you’re struggling with finances, there is no enjoyment in your lives and you are stuck at home with no intellectual or social outlet. Life must seem like a grim treadmill.
But it doesn’t have to stay like this.
Let’s try and look ahead at how things can improve.
Your plan for starting part time work is excellent. It will help to ease the finances and maybe mean you can have some treats (a new bra, and some evenings out would be a good start!)
Getting out to work will widen your social circle as you meet new colleagues and attend work outings. It will boost your confidence - being a sahm in an area with no network of friends can be an awful downer.
Your DS will not be a child forever. You’re in the toughest stage just now if you’re dealing with nappies and bad behaviour. You don’t say whether he’s a toddler or an older child with special needs- if the latter, ask your GP or health visitor for details of any support available locally.
Finally, your DH is probably stressed and tired building up his new business. The two of you need to sit down together, rediscover what made you fall in love in the first place, and support each other emotionally to get through this tough phase in your lives. Couples can get through anything if they work as a team and know that they love each other. Sort out a fair balance of chores, discuss grievances honestly and factually, without getting angry or playing the martyr to each other. And give each other at least one hug and word of appreciation a day!
Best wishes, OP. My prayers that life for you both becomes much happier, preferably long before September.

endoftheline how do I get MN to do that please?

@Psydnonym

To move it, you’ll need to report your post and they’ll move it for you.

As an aside, it does sound miserable.

Have you thought about going to the GP to see if you can get counselling? Also, to increase your self worth you need some self love. Apply for a part time job and do your masters, as this will help your self esteem.

IMO, you only get one life....do you want this existence for the rest of your life?

I think you need to start working sooner rather than later. And full time if poss. It's not just money - he won't see himself as an equal in parenting and housework while he is the only one working, he sees that as the division of labour. He works; you do domestic.

Think about it - would you want your son to live your life? Or do you want him to find fulfilling work, an equal partnership, balance in family life?
I try to live by the rule to live the life you want for your kids.

There's no way in hell I would leave DS with him. I couldn't do that to DS. He's 3.

For a weekend or something! Not forever.

OP, Could you not even leave DS with him for the day? Not with his own father? Why not?

Your DS will be entitled to free nursery hours too. Do you use those?

OP you're entitled to 15hrs free nursery and 30 if you get a job yourself??

I could leave him for the day, sure. A weekend even. But I couldnt just flounce off without him knowing why or when I was coming back.

DS goes to preschool 4 mornings a week for a couple of hours at the local school, but it's hard to work around that. If I was working we'd get 30 free hours. He has been in nursery before, I worked part time for a while. I just did everythig then too. DS was shattered and the house was a tip. I used to drop him off, work a full day (4 days a week), dash to pick him up, get home at 6ish, cook and put him to bed. DH would come in, eat his dinner, read a bedtime story and sit down for the evening. When work stopped at Christmas we thought it would be good for him to have me at home for a bit before he starts school FT. And I thougt I'd like some time as a SAHM, which I have enjoyed. But with so little money or help, or respect from DH, it's become pretty drudgy.

I know looing after small children is hard work and I expect that. I don't expect Dh to swan in at the end of the day, eat the meal I've cooked for him and not lift a finger. He will step over toys instead of pick them up, complain when DS wants to play wit him. The other day he walked past something that was boiling over and said "that pot's boiling over". Didn't think to turn it down or adjust he lid, just left it. I don't think that's normal adult behaviour. Am I wrong?

I'm applying for some supply TA work. Not great money but fits around school and possible MA. It will definately help. But I'll still be part time and doing a full time MA (hopefully) and I suspect DH isn't going to pull his weight. He didn't last time I was working.

I suspect DH isn't going to pull his weight. He didn't last time I was working

He won't.

So what are you going to do?

Do the minimum wife work
Study and look after your son
Whilst you do everything nothing will change
Nothing changes if nothing changes
I’ve been where you are, not doing a MA but working it takes for you and him to be at the junction of “I’m leaving” or “change has gotta come”
It’s really hard, painful and emotional but until you can make him see his behavior is not good enough for you nothing will change.
I echo pack a bag, go the weekend, let him see how much effort it is to raise a child.
Good luck, be strong and consistent

Go for the pint and raise your concerns. Suggest relate or say you are considering your options. You have to try to make him understand, don't be beaten down. If he won't change you need to move on

Have you shown him this? english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/amp/

The other day he walked past something that was boiling over and said "that pot's boiling over". Didn't think to turn it down or adjust he lid, just left it. I don't think that's normal adult behaviour.

He was making a point that it's beneath him and your "job". And grinding you down for good measure.

You're right, it's not normal behaviour. It's also not laziness or stupidity, it's deliberate and calculated.

These aren't the actions of somebody who loves you, they're the actions of somebody who wants power over you. And that's what abuse is.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk