AIBU to ask you about Islamic weddings?

[uptooearly89]

Namechanged as possibly outing but regular poster. Posted here for traffic 🤫 if I don't reply it's not because I'm a Fail journalist- I've just gone back to my normal moniker!

One of my indirect line reports (I'm her boss's boss) has invited me (and my DH) to her wedding in September.

She is a strict Muslim and her/her future DH come from traditional families - they have yet to be left 'unaccompanied'!

She's totally excited about it and I am looking forward to the wedding but the invitation states that strict segregation will be maintained throughout; this means DH and I will be separated for the entire time doesn't it? Including dinner? DH would struggle with being left with a group of people he doesn't know and almost certainly has nothing in common with (my husband is a northern bloke who spends as much time in the pub as he does at home)- especially without a beer or two for Dutch courage.

Also, dress? I have a long maxi dress that I can wear with a shrug/cardigan but will I be expected to cover my head?

I know I could just ask her but I feel a bit like I'm highlighting the cultural differences and would hate her to think I have a problem with it- it's her wedding and I'm pretty adaptable to different social situations; I just don't want to get it wrong! She's already told me that people will want to speak to me as they value careers and status and I am 'at the top of my game'.

So, would I be unreasonable to leave my DH at home and get a blow dry?!

Just ask!

I'm married to a man from a different culture and I wasn't offended at all by questions, in fact, I welcomed them as it showed people were making an effort. There are cultural differences, and we don't need to pretend there aren't.

I'm sure your husband would be fine, every wedding of a Muslim couple I've been to has been really welcoming. Not sure why you think he'd have nothing in common with them.

I have only been to one Islamic wedding. Western women were treated as men; which was a shame, the women seemed to be having a lot more fun. DH didn’t go.

I'd imagine you just wear what you'd wear to any other wedding. Don't try to 'dress up' or wear typically western versions of what you'd imagine they might wear. Just treat it the same as any other wedding you go to.

There are different formats for Islamic wedding receptions, some are completely sex segregated in different rooms, others in the same room with single sex tables or a mix of single sex tables and mixed tables. Men and women always sit separately in the Mosque though.

Yes, definitely ask about dress code, but strict segregation means your DH will be with the men and you with the women, so if doesn’t know anybody better leave him at home.

Ask her, there may well be elements of the wedding that are traditional to her culture as well as her religion, so there isn't a one size fits all Muslim wedding.

The Muslim wedding I went do had small parts that women were on a different side of the room to the men, but that was during the ceremony, not the socialising part. And it was all in Arabic so I had no clue what was going on, but people were so friendly and welcoming they were falling over themselves to explain everything. I wasn't expected my to cover my head and all the women were dressed very glamorously.

Really, just ask what to expect, the bride will probably enjoy telling you and you will probably enjoy learning a bit about a different type of wedding.

Yes I would ask, she’d prob be happy to explain. I would just say I don’t wish to offend, what’s the etiquette etc
I imagine they’ll be really friendly and at least there won’t be any nasty drunks.

Hi!

You can defo leave the DH at home!

With strict segregation you often find ladies take the covering up items( burka/Jilbab/hijab) off when in the segregated areas to enjoy being dressed up away from men.
A Maxi and shrug sound perfect. You can take a shawl with you just in case but defo ask the bride.

Men’s side is usually more boring and ladies side super fun!

Just ask her. She'll understand that you haven't attended a Muslim wedding before and are just looking for some guidance on what the traditions are. As for the dress code, I wouldn't wear a sari or anything -that's a bit inappropriate - but as long as you have a full length dress and something to cover your arms, that should be fine. Headdress shouldn't be necessary. The rules about wearing them vary from family to family anyway.

It’s fine to not take your husband, but I’m kind of bemused that you think your husband will have nothing in common with Muslim men because he is northern and likes a drink - I am northern and like a drink but have mysteriously managed to form friendships with people who are Muslim. This kind of thinking (that we couldn’t possibly have anything in common with people from another community) is so dangerous and divisive.

Western married to Muslim here, and have attended many Islamic weddings (my own was quite relaxed, although many stayed away as we had a bar). I more put in a appearance at weddings, rarely staying for the whole reception. Women tend to get very dressed up, not a hijab in sight (as there are no men), in fact some very daring dresses, as for a lot of them it is the only time they get to really dress up. Usually the ceremony part is done in private, and the reception is not unlike a western wedding, food and dancing, but without the glass of wine. From what you say, probably best to leave DH at home, surely bride would understand that. Many an invitation I have turned down because I didn't know anyone from the brides side, and this was perfectly acceptable. Enjoy your night.

My husband is from a different culture and I am always treated like a man (which I'm eternally thankful for!!) Maybe it will be like this? He's not a Muslim though but similar sort of male/female divide/treatment (arranged marriage etc)

dont go and enable this sexist nonsnse

Married to a Muslim man here. His family don't sound as strict as your friends. We had one day that was mixed and one segregated. Although it wasn't too strict and we put on work colleagues together on a mixed table. We never expected any of the women to wear headscarf's.
Have been to other Muslim weddings since where they did keep everyone separate including non Muslims. Again though there was no expectation of head scarfs. I think they would have to be really really strict Muslim to expect that.

I don't think asking would be highlighting cultural differences in a negative way. It's negative to ignore the differences. Ask, be interested, listen and enjoy. I mean who doesn't want to be asked about their wedding(apart from half of Mumsnet who seem to think mentioning you're getting married once in passing is excessive and bridezilla)?

I'm a Muslim and I don't understand why a Muslim would put a non Muslim through this.
I'm fine with segregated weddings but I don't enjoy weddings in general so I avoid any where I don't have someone to sit with. It's boring! But even sitting with DH would be boring at a non close wedding as you just sit and smile and eat. Not my sort of thing at all.

The Muslims won't expect anything of you at all. They will think you are someone important in their life so won't be looking at your clothing at all but yes I guess in general Muslims may adopt covering their legs etc.

Just say your DH is busy and they won't think twice about it, if you want go.

Oh yes you definitely won't be required to wear a headscarf at all. At segregated weddings you normally find scarf wearers remove it as it's women only on that side.