To confront MIL?

[wingingit123]

Sorry another MIL one. Without drip feeding & to simplify it my mil can be quite emotionally manipulative. My DH doesn't really like to conflict especially with her so if I have an issue he tends to brush it under the carpet.

There's been quite a few little things lately but today my DS who is 4 told me he fell down the stairs at MIL house. He said she told him it was a secret and he mustn't tell me. My DH said that she would have told us but I really don't know what to do. I know if I ask her she will just laugh it off and say he's got an active imagination. I hate the thought of my DS thinking I won't listen to him and also being told to keep secrets.

For background FIL died suddenly just under a year ago so family do tread on egg shells around her.

Any advice? Thank you

I can see your concerns. A child should never be told to keep a secret from parents, it is such a harmful message.

Do you have any 'evidence' that you can bring up in the discussion with her? Bruises etc?

I think you need to get your husband involved if you do discuss. Or perhaps a united front with both of you would be better, alternatively.

It's disgusting that she would tell your child to keep secrets from you.

You and your Dh need to sit down with her, ask exactly what happened and firmly explain that your children do not keep secrets from you.

It's not just about keeping a secret. It's dangerous. What if he hit his head and ended up poorly. You wouldn't have that history to link the two together. That is not on at all. Have strong words with her. Crack those eggshells. Yes she is bereaved, but your child's safety is paramount.

My next door neighbour slipped on the bottom stair, hit her head, was in a coma for two days and died.. The simplest of injuries can have a dreadful outcome. You can bounce from a bigger fall. Accidents happen.

It's not the fact of the accident so much, it's the 'secret'..

I'd definitely be having words. I wouldn't pussyfoot around her, she sounds difficult and very manipulative. I have a very similar situation with my witch of a MIL. Not good telling your young DS to keep a secret. Whats the issue with her just being honest with you and saying he fell? Accidents and trips happen fair enough but you have the right to know! I do feel bad that she is bereaved but as another poster has already said, you still needed to know about your DS falling

Your husband needs to realise that the second you have a child, you become their absolute defender and confrontation is sometimes part of that package. He needs to set his mum straight. Show your son that you listen, and believe in him.

Accidents happen (though falling down the stairs is a serious one!), but her reaction is shocking.

Your DH needs to deal with this, and how. Totally unacceptable to tell your son to keep it a secret! This is one of the reasons I don’t trust my mother alone with my son. I left him with her for a few minutes when I went to the toilet when he was a newborn, heard and loud crash and hysterical crying and rushed out. He was beside himself with a growing lump on his head and she wouldn’t tell me what happened. Just kept snarling “nothing” and telling me I was overreacting. Kept asking and it turned out she had dropped a very heavy phone on his head. She still had the nerve to be angry with me as I tried to comfort him. He also almost fell down her very dangerous flight of stairs another time I left the room momentarily on the assurance she was watching him.

I get that your MIL’s husband died but that doesn’t mean she can endanger and manipulate your son. What a terrible woman.

This is very worrying. Any normal adult would inform the parents of a fall down the stairs - it's not as if they would be blamed for a simple accident?

It's a good opportunity to talk about how he can tell mum everything, and how proud of him you are for telling you.
You could get your husband to talk to her, do you think it would make a difference? Another option is to limit their time alone together.

I wouldn't be letting her watch your child. She simply can't be trusted.

Accidents happen, asking DS to keep a secret is not on. Do you really think that with her being so manipulative and your DH used to keep mummy happy, he has any power to make her change?If you cannot trust her, do not leave your child with her. Simple.

Telephone - hello MIL, DS said he'd fallen down the stairs whilst at yours, could you let me know what happened please?

MIL replies.

Okay thank you for letting me know. DS also said that he was to keep it a secret. That is my main concern as we do not have secrets in this family and I have told him that he can always tell me the truth no matter what. If this is the case then I am very disappointed that you would pressurise him into such a situation and kindly request that it never happens again.

MIL replies.

Bye.

Firstly I would ask your DS for more detail - how many steps did he fall, when was this, what did he hurt? then see if there are any actual bruises if it's recent enough. If he has the bruises, then I might consider confronting MIL but I'd be more inclined to show DH first and say "he's obviously done something and these bruises could be from falling down the stairs, maybe your mother forgot to tell you, eh?"

Your DH is probably in the FOG thing - and probably so used to being emotionally manipulated that he doesn't even realise it when it happens - but I agree with you that this is problematic.

TRouble is, you won't get anywhere by confronting MIL (and your DH probably won't either) - so you really have to decide how best to keep your DS safe!

There's been quite a few little things lately so as to avoid a drip feed, list them. 2 of my kids have fallen down the stairs, whilst I was present in the house and of an age where stair gates were long gone. Shit happens and she may feel she is treading on eggshells around you. What are the few little extra things you are hinting at.

Go with cheesemogery's reply.

He fell down the stairs - unfortunate but happens.

Being told to keep secrets - dangerous...plus I don't know a child under 6 that can do it so she's doubly ridiculous.

I'd give DS lots of praise for telling you

Thank you for all your replies. I've had another chat with my son today and he told me the exact same story and said he hurt his back! I'm going to sit my husband down later & tell him it isn't acceptable and raise my concerns.

To the person who said wonder why she keeps it from me! Don't be so ridiculous it's never acceptable to encourage a 4 year old to keep secrets like this no matter what her opinion is of me. Which actually I've never given her reason to think she can't speak to me

Tell your son that he did the right thing and there is no such thing as keeping a secret from Mummy and Daddy.

I would definitely talk to her, say you know he fell, luckily he is fine, so that’s OK, but you wonder why she was afraid he would tell you?
And that you need to emphasise that children must never be asked to keep anything secret. Because the next secret an adult asks him to keep might be a bad secret.

We had to have a conversation with mil about not keeping secrets and why. She loved secrets, so much that she would make things up, she would tell me to keep "this very secret thing" from dh but dh always knew because he'd have been told the 'secret' already. Even mil understood not to do it with dd, when we told her it was what abusers said and we didn't want dd to be used to it......

Obviously you have to ask her about it and keep a close eye on your DS for signs of concussion etc - but you are already thinking the worst.

There is a good chance it was nothing much as your child seems to be ok and the "secret keeping" may be nothing of the sort. Of course you have to check, no question about that but bear in mind the unreliability of four year olds and get the full story first.

(My DD told me her teacher had locked her in a cupboard for being bad. She also told me it was a secret. The more horrified and concerned I became the more detailed the story was, (she was three and a half), until the point where I gave myself a reality check and actually found out the truth of the matter. A mix up of misunderstood comments and fantasy/ storybooks)

Anyone who came into a and e who had fallen down stairs would be asked questions about the mechanism of injury. How far down they fell, head first, etc. Depending on their answer is how seriously it would be treated. If they fell from top to bottom and possibly hit their head, hurt their back, they would be collared and blocked, lain flat and taken straight to resus for immediate investigations. I hope your mil asked him for details of his fall.

We have a no secrets rule in our house so I would be extremely pissed off. As others have said it’s a really dangerous message to send to kids and makes them vulnerable if situations arise where they are at risk.

@wingingit123 Did you confront MIL OP?