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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Help me stop doing this!

11 replies

Trumpstoupee · 21/06/2019 21:44

Name changed, honestly I say every time I won’t do this and then my mouth won’t stop.

I’ve put on weight, I’ve battled with weight since I was about 24 (now 43), ranging from size 12 to size 20. Currently I am a size 18.

If I see someone I haven’t seen for a while, and they say you are looking well, or how are you - my default reaction is ‘oh I know apart from the weight hahahaha’. In fact sometimes I just bring it up, kind of like a suit of armour - yes I’m getting in there first incase you are thinking I am fat - I already know.

This week I am going somewhere and Will see a lot of people I haven’t seen in about 2 years, I am 3 stone heavier than I was then.

I need to not mention, and I’m not sure how to do this, my weight dominates my life. It used to be easier when I was younger but now I am losing a pound a week then nothing the week after. I’m about to switch from SW to Fast800 in the hope I can salvage some confidence by the end of the year. Another issue is my health, I have a health condition and this limits my exercise, I cannot swim nor run any longer and so the most I can do is short slow walks. (This is not a condition that will improve).

How can I a) accept and find a way to love myself b) stop making reference to my weight and bringing attention to it?

Any help appreciated, I know this is a psychological issue!

OP posts:
FancyACarrot · 21/06/2019 22:03

How about some counselling and/or hypnotherapy?

gottastopeatingchocolate · 21/06/2019 22:34

Do you have an outfit that you feel really nice in, or have you got the funds to get one? I think that the more confident you feel, the better the event might go for you.

I agree with @FancyACarrot that counselling might help in the long term, but in terms of this week, can I offer the old cliche of "Be your own best friend"?

Would you judge your own best friend based on how much s/he weighs? Would you be the first to comment on it? Would you draw other people's attention to it?

Be as kind to yourself as you would to a friend.

Trumpstoupee · 21/06/2019 23:23

Hi fancy, believe me I have tried it, and also read many a love yourself book! I honestly think if I could be lighter I would have an almost perfect life. Gottastop you make a good point with the friend comment. No it wouldn’t make any difference to how I felt about them but I know I would notice and would probably think they would look better slimmer (I say this as my best friend is about a size 28), she looked healthy before and now not so much (god that makes me shallow) this is why it bothers me so much as I think the same!

OP posts:
BetsyBigNose · 22/06/2019 02:46

I honestly think if I could be lighter I would have an almost perfect life

In which case you must have lots of lovely things to talk to people you haven't seen in a couple of years about!

Seriously, I think this might work! Yes, get the "Helloooo @Trumpstoupee, you look well"'s out of the way and respond with; "Thanks - I am really well - it's been the most wonderful couple of years/ few months/ time of my life - so much has been happening I hardly know where to begin! Isn't that right DH?!..."

Then onto:

Updates on your DC (if you have them) - schooling/University/ Sporting/ Arts achievements /their wonderful new partner/ recent engagement/ upcoming wedding/ the 1st Grandchild they're expecting, stories of amazing places you've visited on holidays, tales of your and DH's work successes, the 'Forever Home' you've always dreamed of owning and have just moved into (or have recently been to view perhaps?) or exciting hobbies you've taken up?

Have a good think about the impression you want to leave people with - it sounds like you simply want to make sure that you leave them with the focus on you as a person, rather than just thinking that you've put weight on. Ensure that you have lots of positive, engaging, uplifting news and stories to share and the next time they think of you, it will be of how much you're getting out of life - not how much cake you're eating!

If you have plenty to talk about ready to go, you should easily be able to avoid having to fill an awkward silence with chattering about your weight - please try not to mention it, as this just opens the door for the other person to pass comment or ask questions about it, which rather defeats the object.

I am hopeful that as well as leaving others with a lovely impression of how much you're enjoying life, using this 'method' will also leave you feeling more upbeat, as you'll be focusing on all the wonderful positive aspects of your world - which can be easy to lose sight of when you have an issue (such as a large-ish weight gain) that can be so all-consuming. It might also help to remember that lots of other people at the event will have the same or similar anxieties over various things that they would prefer not to focus on either.

A final piece of advice I was given when I was Chairing a Public Speaking Team in my mid-teens, was to 'Never announce your fear'. In other words, don't get up in front of an audience and start off with; "I'm sorry about this, I'm really nervous - you can tell, can't you?" because the whole audience is then just sitting there, waiting for you to make a mistake - you're expecting the worst from yourself, you've told them to expect you're not going to be any good and with all that negativity and pressure, the likelihood is that you won't be. You'll forget something, or your mind will go blank and your self-fulfilling prophecy will have come true! Or in your case, don't start off conversations by drawing attention to your weight, or bringing it up before they do because if you do, then your weight will become their focus and when the party is over and everyone is going about their normal lives once again, a week later when that person brings you to mind, the first thing they will think of will be your weight increase. How it has clearly badly affected you in a very negative way emotionally as well as psychically and ultimately they will probably be left with a lasting impression of pitying you over it. You can do much better than that - there are SO many wonderful things going on in your (almost perfect!) life, that you are going to create your own, positive narrative around yourself and ensure that when they think of you in the weeks to come, it will be fondly, happily, glad that you are content and perhaps even with ever-such-a-tiny-slither of envy... Grin

I sincerely hope that this is helpful to you OP, wishing you the best of luck - I hope you enjoy the gathering and a positive boost to your MH! Star

Trumpstoupee · 22/06/2019 09:41

@BetsyBigNose thank you, thank
You for your post. You have totally struck a nerve - never announce your fear. Do you know I do this at work? If I’m finding something difficult even if no one notices I will let people know, even in group situations. Then it makes me feel inadequate and anxious, everyone knows how I feel.

I have just written on my finger (NAYF) as a reminder and I am going to keep writing it to remind me no matter the situation to keep positive, focus on the good and not keep turning things around to things which bother me - but no one else is interested in. And of course people whose opinion doesn’t matter. My family and friends love me and I am going to be less judgemental, it’s damaging and I need to change my mindset.

Thank you, you have given sound advice which I think will really help me x

OP posts:
BetsyBigNose · 22/06/2019 19:58

@Trumpstoupee I am SO pleased you found my post helpful - that's given me a boost - see; you're spreading positivity already!

I've just read back what I wrote, and would just like to point out that my concern that someone might think of your weight increase and "How it has clearly badly affected you in a very negative way emotionally as well as psychically" should have had more of a focus on it's physical affect, rather than any apprehension that it might hamper your efforts to contact the 'Dearly Departed on The Other Side...' Confused Blush In my defence; it was nearly 3am and I was trying to 'stealth type' in bed next to DH who (in between bouts of walrus-esque snoring) was making clear that he wasn't terribly impressed by my pissing about on Mumsnet in the middle of the night by (having stolen one of his pillows Grin) sitting bolt upright with the laptop in bed rather than discreetly commenting on my phone!

Do come back and let us know how the get together goes, won't you OP? Or pop me a PM if you get a chance, I'd love to hear about it!

Good luck!

Trumpstoupee · 22/06/2019 20:26

@betsybignose I certainly shall update! I can’t seem to tag you so hope you see this.

I spent a lot of time today reflecting, thinking about things I can do to make myself feel positive about myself, to stop looking for flaws and instead embrace myself. I knew what you meant haha and thank you, you have really helped so I appreciate the 3am posting!!!! It is amazing how someone can just say something and then the click is there, despite the fact others may have said similar, they didn’t get it just right, in a way that I could digest and get to the root of the problem. It’s Wednesday so I will come back and let you know how I got on!!!! X

OP posts:
Trumpstoupee · 26/06/2019 22:16

@BetsyBigNose well today was the day, I did it! 3 times people said you look well and I said ‘thank you’. I didn’t say ‘yeah but I am still fat’. I was confident and proud and it is all down to you and the others who gave me sound advice.

Thank you so so much, it was great to see people and chat!

OP posts:
BetsyBigNose · 26/06/2019 22:20

@Trumpstoupee - congratulations, that's fantastic! I was thinking of you today, thanks for updating, I'm really glad I was able to help. Now just keep doing what you're doing and life can only get better! Sending a terribly unmumsnetty hug xx

MamaWeasel · 26/06/2019 22:24

Oh well done you! Grin

Howlovely · 26/06/2019 22:38

You nailed it, well done!
Brilliant advice from Betsy. I love this, helping strangers, having a really positive effect on others you have never even met! X

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