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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider leaving partner over living situation?

21 replies

ohdearym3 · 21/06/2019 21:19

I have a DS from previous relationship, baby with DP due this year.
We currently rent in a very dodgy area and have lived here for a few years together.
We have spoken about buying a house together multiple times. DP says he wants to and will let me get as far as organising viewings and us going to see them but every time we haven't been able to for reasons usually to do with where he can get work or finances.
DP is very much in control of the finances as he works a 9-5 whilst I run our business but he does the finances for that as well.
I'm fine with that because finances aren't my thing to an extent although I have looked after myself financially before and we do have separate accounts.
He earns considerably more than me and it hinges entirely on him as to whether we can buy a house. If he says no, there is nothing I can do on my own to buy anywhere.

We agreed when TTC that we wanted to move to a better area to raise both kids. Especially DS who is at risk of getting into all sorts of trouble if he gets in with the wrong crowd where we are (and the wrong crowd is pretty much 80% of the kids here so it's a bit difficult to avoid). I have been trying to start conversation after conversation about moving and DP has been saying he will get to it when he finishes other things up but now we have a couple of months to get a deposit together and sort a mortgage. We've finally got financial advise but rather than look into how we can get the rest of the deposit together (which apparently I am the only one who has been saving for) he's been looking at cheaper rental properties in our current area (if not closer to all the problems) to "give us more time".

I get that if we move he misses out on a job he's very comfortable in but I'm not happy here. I don't want to raise my children here and I'm frightened to leave the flat some days when I've experienced being harassed myself and there are reports of random attacks against people all the time.
I don't know if I can afford to leave him but I feel like he won't leave himself so I'm going to have to go without him before my kids get stuck here too.

AIBU to leave in this situation? I get that finance is a good reason not to buy but actually we could afford it if he sold certain items and we got help from family which has been offered. He just needs to sort work and I feel like I can't force him in to any of this so I'm going to have to sort myself and the kids out first and wait for him to figure out what he wants.

OP posts:

Starrynights86 · 21/06/2019 21:25

Are you wanting to move so far away he has to find a new job? If not, if he is reluctant to buy why don’t you rent in the new area first?

If he does have to change jobs then you need to find the new job before buying! I’d then rent for six months to make sure you like the area then buy.

Original poster

ohdearym3 · 21/06/2019 21:32

Yes we wouldn't be able to afford to buy close to his job and the area is not great to live in at all. He is saying he wouldn't want to commute from further out. His suggestion of where he wanted to live if not here is where we have been looking (we know the area well already and have family support there which we don't have here) but he's not bothered making any moves on a new job or anything to do with it until the last couple of weeks and even then he keeps saying he's applied but he hasn't actually bothered to update or do his CV to apply for them so he's not likely to get the work.
All he's done is gone online and looked for a new rental property down the road from where we live now.
I think it's been left far too late and we have no option and I don't want that for my kids. He's happy but nobody else in the family is.

OP posts:

tobedtoMNandfart · 21/06/2019 21:34

The bigger issue is that you & he do not seem to be communicating & operating as a team...

Original poster

ohdearym3 · 21/06/2019 21:34

I wouldn't mind renting but I do feel like it'd be throwing money down the pan when we have the ability to buy now and are in the best position to do so.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 21/06/2019 21:34

Why not rent on a better area while the finances are being sorted out?

He does sound a but controlling.

You're pregnant without the security of marriage and you're the lower earner (in a joint business) by a large amount and he controls those finances.

You're in a rather vulnerable situation.

I'd have a mental timeline to move and if nothing had happened... I'd go it alone.

As an aside...you may want to ensure the baby has your surname.

Original poster

ohdearym3 · 21/06/2019 21:35

I communicate an awful lot with him but he just waves it all off and changes the subject. I've told him how I feel. He says he agrees but then doesn't do much about it. If I felt like he was really acting on it I don't think I'd consider leaving.

OP posts:

S1naidSucks · 21/06/2019 21:40

Why should he bother moving? He’s got everything that HE wants. He controls the money and has you tied to him through children, but vulnerable because you’re not married. Sorry OP, but you’re in a ridiculously vulnerable position. Personally, I would put off moving, but tell him you want to get married, in a small service, so he can’t use money as an excuse not to.

Original poster

ohdearym3 · 21/06/2019 21:43

SandyY2K thank you. I did give myself until the time our contract runs out on this current rental and I've got the money put aside already to move. I just feel a bit sad to rip the family apart. He genuinely doesn't come across as controlling at all but as he has the finances sorted for us it puts me in a crap position.
I just feel like I'm not being listened to on something as important as where we live and as much as I don't want to leave him, I really want to leave the area.
I've often been told by a couple of his mates that he'd be financially better off without me but I was before I met him too! Even as a single mum.
I know it won't be comfortable but I think I could do it in an area where I'm not worried about whats going on right outside my window. That is what is making me think about leaving and he's clearly not on that page with me.

OP posts:

S1naidSucks · 21/06/2019 21:46

DP is very much in control of the finances as he works a 9-5 whilst I run our business but he does the finances for that as well.

So for all you know he could be taking money from the business and putting into his own account? Good grief, OP!

Smelborp · 21/06/2019 21:47

Have you told him pure thinking of leaving? It might be the kick up the arse he needs.

Isatis · 21/06/2019 21:57

How far would he have to commute if you moved?

FancyACarrot · 21/06/2019 22:09

Yes he needs a shock to get him deciding either way, tell him you're leaving and it's up to him if he wants to come.

petrocellihouse · 21/06/2019 22:14

I’m really sorry, but this sounds like he’s using stalling techniques to avoid being tied to you. I fear he may not actually be on the same page as you as far as this relationship goes.

SandyY2K · 21/06/2019 22:16

I've often been told by a couple of his mates that he'd be financially better off without me

That would worry me. What kind of friends say that to their mates GF.

It sounds like he may have discussed your relationship with them, or how would they know that.

Do they think you aren't good enough for him?

Does he get on with your DC?
Does DC like him?

Before the joint business, did you have a job?

Sometimes a financial imbalance causes issues like this.... but either he's talked to his friends...or of their own volition, they think he could do better.

Does he know they said this? Is so what was his reaction?

justasking111 · 21/06/2019 22:18

So you work in the business but have no idea of your financial circumstances. How can you use a financial advisor or get a mortgage if you kept in the dark like this.

oneforthepain · 21/06/2019 22:18

He might not come across as controlling (they rarely do, they want to get away with it!) but he is controlling you.

Leaving before baby arrives would be easier.

He has no reason to change. He's got everything how he wants it.

Feelingwalkedover · 21/06/2019 22:25

He’s not going to move..well not untill the area is effecting his own child ,which will be years away...and to late to help your eldest by then.
Move without him for the welfare of your eldest dc

TriciaH87 · 21/06/2019 22:26

I would personally update his cv myself and submit it to anything I think would be suitable. I would the book viewings be they rental or for buying and tell him last minute. Then when he gets a call about an interview and asks you about it sag it must be one of the ones he said he applied for.

LannieDuck · 21/06/2019 22:29

Are you married? I ask because you use DP instead of DH. Your financial arrangement worries me a bit, but less so if you're married...

oneforthepain · 21/06/2019 22:51

Then when he gets a call about an interview and asks you about it sag it must be one of the ones he said he applied for.

Ok, and does the op go to the interview for him too? If he's lying about applying for jobs he's hardly going to bother going to an interview and performing well.

SandyY2K · 21/06/2019 23:05

I would personally update his cv myself and submit it to anything I think would be suitable

Now that's rather controlling, manipulative and sneaky. If he's not updating his CV... it's because he doesn't want to. He's not in a hurry to get another job.

If you have to go to this extent it's really a sign your relationship has big problems.

I wouldn't update my children's CV and send off...much less my spouse or partner....and if my DH did this.... I'd be far from impressed.

I wouldn't be attending an interview for a job I didn't apply for.... saying it's one he must have applied to is bordering on gaslighting.

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