Noisy Neighbours

[snowbug]

Hi, I have been vistsing this site on and off over the years to gain advice, and today I finally signed up. I dont know id AIBU is the right place for my post, but I'm at my wits end.

This post may touch a nerve as it is to do with Autism, so please read the post before any judgement is issued. I have read some very angry comments in the past which has put me off using this site till now.

I, myself am autistic, and prefer to keep myself to myself; and do my very best to keep quiet.

A long time ago back in 2014 my nextdoor neighbours moved in, I popped round and politely asked if I could paint their side off the new fence, adjoining my garden. They obliged, no problems so far. I had a brief friendly chat with my new neighbour, who informed me that her son is autistic, I informed that I too am autistic, and she excused herself from the conversation and went inside whilst I continued to paint the fence.

A few days later, her children came home, and my issues started. Every day there was stamping up and down the stairs, not a quick pop upstairs to use the bathroom, or grab a jumper, but up and down and up and down the stairs - this would go on for over an hour.

My living room is on the adjoining wall to their stairs, and the noise would reverberate through the walls, only to drive me crazy. I pollitely popped round and requested my new neighbours get some carpet on their stairs, so I would not be greated by the sound of stamping on the stairs.

This lasted about two weeks, then their Autistic child returned to doing the previous habbit of stamping up and down the stairs. I complained two more times after that, and gave up.

The behaviours circling the family got more ignorant, but the autistic child was more often turfed out to the garden, where he would stim by screaming "Woooo", till 9pm when his parents would take him back inside. The other neighbours around would swear at him, telling him to shut up. I never swore at him, I let him just get on with it.

So, then my neighbours children would start climbing ontop of my fence, where i would order them to get down, as I was concerned that should they fall into my garden and injure themselves, then I would be liable if I said and did nothing. I still did not swear at the children, as I believe nobody should ever swear at children. I would just give a cold direct "Get off the fence now, or I'll get your parents".
This worked 50% of the time, eventually I contacted their housing association complaining about 'intrusion of privacy'. I was even considering getting some anticlimb paint, but read of the horrors of anticlimb paint, so it never came to be.

Behavious with parents soon became apparent, the father would insist on whistling (this drove me mad), to the point where I would bang on the walls shouting for him to stop whistling (I suffer from misophonia, highpitch noises are torture for me, and when I'm in my own home, where can I run to?), he can't sing either.

My point is this, having paper thin walls (which they are aware of), they dont talk, they shout at each other, the kids still stamping on the stairs, and everyday from 6am, I am greated to the sound of screaming, doors and drawers being slammed, and gigantic thuds (which could one day give me a heart attack).

I have contacted their useless housing officer a couple of times now, but the issues still continue. Just last night they were doing DIY at 9pm, it was only for about 15 minutes, but I wish they would do DIY at a more appropriate time.

I normally opt for suffering in silence, as I hate to be burden to anyone, but this morning (6.20am), following three loud slams, my neighbour on the other side banged back, and now I feel like I'm going to get the blame my being sandwiched in the middle. My neighbour on the other side is not the nicest of people, and I really don't want to rub her up the wrong way.

In ten minutes it'll be 9am and I'll be able to phone my problem neighbours housing officer, but it really is a chinese water torture just being on hold with their condescending commerical line.

I think you are being unreasonable. It doesnt sound like they are doing anything that any other family with children do.
I would have a go about looking over your fence but i dont think you can moan. Especially if you know the boy is autistic. His parents are just trying to live their lives and why cant a person whistle in their own home?

If noise really does bogher you so much then you should work hard and save hard and move to a detatched house. And you have beeb a burden. Constantly complaining about children playing in their own home and calling their housing officer (again) is being a burden.
Just because you didnt swear doesmt make you a saint.

I cant believe some people thi k they have the right to dictate what other people do in their home.
I sing and whistle and if my neighbours adkef me not to id buy a kareoke machine and REALLY have a go.
You cannot expect silence.

If they were blairing music at 3am every night i would agree with you.

and by the way, the housimg officer hasnt done anything because you are complaining about normal family noise.

Save to move or save for some soundproofing.

And dont ask people to carpet their home. Some people like wooden floors and sonce they live in a house they have every right to have them.

Unfortunately it's the way houses seem to be built nowadays, no soundproofing.
It's annoying. I hear all the same from my neighbours (they have a ds in his late teens). I can hear them up and down the stairs which are actually the far side of their house, kitchen cupboards closing, their TV, conversations and even them going to the toilet at night. It's just everyday noise, they arnt being any louder than anybody else. And I'm pretty sure that they hear all of the above from my house too.

I am sorry it's effecting you being able to enjoy being in your own home but think you Abu to have a major issue with everyday noise that all families make.

PS u are totally right about the climbing on the fence though. That has annoyed me in previous house!

I would have thought being autistic yourself you would understand why it's important to allow the child to stim 😕

I too am over sensitive to "people noise". Our next door neighbour whistles constantly, their 3 teenagers bounce/kick/throw balls in the garden making pretty much the whole time when they're not in school until around 9pm. He is in/out of his work van hundreds of times per day, each time slamming the door. Their TV is always on and they talk loudly over it.

What have I done about it? Bought some expensive noise cancelling headphones that I wear with white noise or music playing for when I'm home without the kids and tried to accept that they're entitled to enjoy their home & garden because they're not actually doing anything unreasonable.

In your case, the fence thing is certainly something to speak to the parents about but otherwise I don't think they sound like they are creating noise purposely at antisocial times.

”If noise really does bother you so much, you should work hard, save hard and move to a detached house”

Thank god you’re here Fakename
I bet op feels really stupid she didn’t think of that before....

YANBU. You should be receiving more support from the housing association. Keep complaining, talk to your local councillor or your MP.

I give up, I came here for advice and just get trolled. I won't be posting or visiting this site again.

The noise cancelling headphones sound like a good suggestion. Would this be something you could use?

Literally no one has trolled you. You came onto this forum to ask if you were being unreasonable. Most people agreed you are.... what exactly do you expect on a forum called aibu?

I give up, I came here for advice and just get trolled. I won't be posting or visiting this site again

Also known as, "I didn't hear what I wanted to hear so I'm going to flounce"

It's normal, family noise just exacerbated by the fact the child is autistic. You can't really ask that someone doesn't whilstle in their own home, thats entirely unreasonable.

You need to find ways of coping. If he's whistling turn on the radio as a distraction for example.

In all honesty though I'd ask your HA for a move because I don't think you'll find a way to gel with this family at this point.

@snowbug - people aren't trying to troll you, they are just disagreeing with you which happens in life.

I did open your thread thinking I'd side with you. I too hate noisy neighbours and try and live my life as quietly as possible, but honestly what you describe are normal people just living their lives. You can't dictate people get carpet in their homes, that isn't reasonable unless you live in a flat and it's in the lease.

I say this as gently as possible but you need to find coping mechanisms for yourself or you will work yourself up throughout your life. I appreciate that noise is stressful for you but you can't dictate your neighbours live in silence for your benefit. The noise cancelling headphones is a good suggestion.

I totally understand where you come from OP some people value quietness and therefore apply it for themselves but also their neighbour. Sadly many people are used to living in the cacophony of loud noise and can't appreciate why it would stress other people.

This means that unfortunately you are unlikely to find peace unless you or they move. Are you renting? Would you consider moving even though you probably consider that you shouldn't have to.

@Madmilkmaid

Unfortunately it's the way houses seem to be built nowadays, no soundproofing

Not true. Building regulations changed about 15 years ago, meaning much better soundproofing. The previous new build I lived in was bliss!

I now live in an Edwardian terrace with terrible walls so I feel your pain op. I think it's fair to find a balance between normal living and making an effort not to disturb your neighbours.

Could you sleep with ear plugs?

No one is trolling you. You haven't responded to me regarding stimming. Some people with autism need to do this to be able to cope in a situation or to calm down. I often sent my own autis ticking child into tne garden to bounce and sheik, it prevented her from self harming in the house. Your issues with your neighbours are caused by how your autism affects you, your neighbours are also dealing with autusm and working in a way that works for their child. The running up and down stairs and whistling is normal everyday noise from a family.

What struck me is your issue with 15 minutes of DIY noise at 9pm. I'd assume given the time and short period it happened that it was something of an emergency. Unfortunately because of everything else that's gone on you are assessing it as another irritation and intimating it was done deliberately to annoy you. If it starts happening every single day and later on in the evening then yes I would agree but based on one incident I really think you need to calm down on that point.

Keep a record of dates, times and what happened. Unfortunately most of what you've talked about does seem to be normal family noise in a poorly soundproofed home. Why the heck the builders put the stairs straight up the shared wall is beyond me.

For your own peace if you can't move you need to mitigate the annoyances. Look at soundproofing the shared wall, consider white noise and/or noise cancelling machines. They're not cheap necessarily but are an investment in your mental health.

Now for the fence if you hadn't reported the climbing I would recommend cat/bird spikes along the top (if you own the fence) but as you have reported it if you do install something and the kids got hurt then you could find yourself in hot water. I would therefore recommend fitting trellis (perhaps in planters just forward of the fence). You could plant an appropriately spiky plant to trail up the trellis and provided it is in your garden exclusively then there is no reason to believe the kids would be there is there? The height will also hide their activities on the fence.

It sounds like your neighbours are struggling to control their children. I'm not talking about the stimming at all but stuff like continually allowing them to climb the fence is dangerous. Have you considered reporting them to social services rather than the housing officer?

AntiHop
Keep forgetting how old I am. By these days I kinda meant in the last 30 years
I'm in a 70s semi and can hear everything. My old victoria terrace with thick stone walls, didn't hear a thing. I probably worded it completely wrong

I would look into applying to your council for a grant to adapt your property due to disability. You could then install soundproofing.

Might be a long shot but worth a go.
www.disability-grants.org/disabled-facilities-grant.html

Unfortunately it's normal family noise, they're just a noisy family.

15 minutes of diy is nothing, children making noise, going up there own stairs - it's all annoying but normal family noise.

There are things you can do to help. Stay longer at work, join something like a gym you can go to, go to the library etc - be out more during the day.

And when you're at home a white noise app will take off the edges of this noise.

Lots of sympathy

@snowbug - are you in a position to
Move out and buy a detached home?
It's more expensive but perhaps in a
Cheaper area? We lived in a semi then terrace and it was awful, lived in a detached home for 12 years and I'd never go back

FWIW - people being horrible on here wouldn't like to live like that either - ignore their horrible behaviours - I'd absolutely hate it too

Normal family nose? Stamping up and downstairs? Screaming and shouting at each other? Shrieking in the garden for hours?

Not normal noise at all. I'm glad I don't live next to some of you if this is how you behave as a family

I often sent my own autis ticking child into tne garden to bounce and sheik, it prevented her from self harming in the house
That was my neighbour. She clearly had enough of her kids constant loud noise, so she too sent them to the back of the garden whilst she got some peace and quiet whilst we had no choice but to go back inside closing doors because the noise was so horrendous, it made our blood pressure go up.

If kids need to let off steam take them to a park where noise is expected.

DaisiesAreOurSilver
It may not be "stamping" up the stairs. It maybe normal up and down the stairs but being perceived as "stamping". Like Ive said I can hear my neighbours going up and down the stairs, and the people who lived there before them, and the people before them. Not all 8 people who have lived there since I've been here are "stamping" up and down the stairs. It just sounds like it!

Swings. While my child was outside stimming I was right beside her the whole time. I didn't send her outside to get some piece I sent her outside in our own garden because to keep her inside would have meant she would self harm. I gave her space space in her own garden to stim, settle down under my strict supervision then come inside when she was ready To do this in a park would havent been unsafe due to her having no awareness of dangers. She wasn't letting off steam, she was stimming after severe autistic meltdowns. The two things are not the same.

It does sound like normal family noise tbh, it is unfortunate that your walls are paper thin but this is not your neighbours fault.

From the OPs posts I would take a good guess that the "stamping" up and down the stairs is just the children going up and down the stairs. I think her perspective on this situation is somewhat skewed.