To ask you what age you had "the talk"

[usernamerisnotavailable]

DS is 9. 10 in Dec. Some stuff has been going on at school that has resulted in some name calling / jibes with sexual undertones. That is a separate matter and we are dealing with that at the school. A lot of the other boys have older brothers. Which is where we assume they picked this up.

I know DS knows they were not nice things to say. But he doesn't know what they mean.

I tentatively think DH and I should sit down and have the talk with DS. DH thinks it's too young.

Would love to hear what the wise people of MN think and when you told your DCs, how you did it etc?

I think your DS is plenty old enough!

My 2 DC (DD 10 and DS 7) have never had 'the talk' they've always had honest age appropriate answers to questions. They've both known about sex, consent, periods, where sperm comes from etc since quite an early age. Again all age appropriate and developed as they got older.

My DD started puberty aged 8 and has been wearing a bra for over a year now. No periods yet but plenty of pubic hair etc.

DS has said when DD starts her periods he will but her some chocolate. That's good enough for me.

Even if boys develop later, they should be aware by yr 5 of puberty sex etc.

I think having a 'talk' to address sex is a very old-fashioned concept.

We simply dealt with things and questions as they came up. The eldest was very inquisitive and wanted to know exactly how babies are made at about 5, the other one a bit older. We have been pretty casual about the whole thing.

Never had one conversation. Happily answered questions as they came up. Openly talked about contraception. Put a different spin on some of the things they were told as 'facts' at school eg effective rates of different types of contraception vs theoretical rates.

I have a 4 & 7 yr old and have been talking about it for ages. They know how it all works and, see me empty my cup, it's just part of life. I think you need to talk to him now, it won't be long before he's mastubating!

7 yr old asked ‘how does a baby get made?’ Explained that grown ups can do it by the man putting his willy inside a woman.

Response was ‘Eugh yuck - did daddy like it?’

Mine are only KS1 and have always known about periods and how babies are made. We keep everything factual. We even talk about masturbation when the subject has come up. It's all fine. I won't be the same as my parents, who never said a word!

They will have sex Ed in year 5, mostly biology, then more in depth in year 6. What you talk about at home is partly going to be based on what things he has picked up, partly answering his questions but I would not push it until he's curious and I would not sit him down for "a talk" a more ongoing discussion works best

It has kind of been going on for years, so when they were little and asked where babies came from? And how did they get there? And what are those for (sanitary towels)? And can I marry my best friend? And "what are balls?" (This is my favourite....because they asked my mum when they were about 7 and 8...and she was mortified!!)

Then I got an age appropriate book about growing bodies, puberty, sex etc when they were year 3/4 and said they could ask me any questions they had that came up.

Definitely have a talk sooner rather than later although you may find he knows more than you think!!

We’ve never really have a ‘talk’ just always answered questions if they asked. I’d guess they both knew everything by about 8?? Knew about periods for a lot longer, I grew up in a house where periods were never discussed and sanpro had to be hidden away. No way were my DSes growing up not knowing! Although DS2 was funny when he was about 6 he’d say ‘I’ve got a tummy ache, is it period pain like you Mummy’

DS1 is about to start secondary, I have told him he can always ask me anything if he hears something he doesn’t understand. But sometimes he’ll snigger at some innuendo on TV and I think there’s probably not much he hasn’t worked out by now

Just a word of caution, it does need to be ongoing, during the teen years they need your input more in a way (school does simple biology well). My dd has discussed contraception etc recently, it's hard they are your babies but it's essential

We haven't had "the talk", we've just had ongoing talks where we've given honest and scientifically accurate but age appropriate answers, using correct terminology. Questions like "yes but mummy, how exactly does the sperm get to the egg?" started aged around 4 or 5. Don't go into any more detail than they need at that point. "The man's puts his willy in the woman's vagina" provoked some slightly sickened faces. DS (5) is also well aware.

Now DD is 9 I've given her the Usbourne growing up book, and she reads it in bits and bellows her questions across the room to where I'm cooking or whatever. She recently asked what "Fuck" meant and DH said it was slang and meant 'to have sex' but that people also used it as a bad word when they were annoyed, and her headmistress would not like it.

I think you need to cover consent and healthy relationships, as well as LGBT+, along with the medical side of puberty, contraception etc too. With girls and boys.

Oh my I'd say you should have done by now. My 6 year old knows how babies are made and what periods are and the correct terms for the main parts. Any question asked at any time has been answered.
By 9 I'd really want her to have a good idea about the biology of it all, periods could start at any time so I'd want to have covered how to use pad and how she might feel. I'd want to have covered body changes, hair and smells, appropriate and inappropriate actions by others.
Please don't rely on school to do it, yes school will cover the basics but how well that is done is often dependent on how comfortable the teacher feels, pupils often get silly and it really needs reinforcement and more detail at home. You want it to be a subject that your child feels they can come to you and talk about so make it as matter a fact as possible.

Sorry I just re-read you have a son, I'd still do the whole period talk, he needs to know what it means too. Wet dreams and what to do if it stands to attention at an embarrassing time.

DD6 knows bits and bobs.
Shes known about periods since around 3 years old when she saw me putting a tampon in and asked why I was putting a mouse up my bum also unwrapping a load of pads and sticking them in her dolls house as "beds"!
She knows babies grow in a woman's belly but hasn't asked how, when she does I'll tell her.
I don't see the point in doing a big song and dance about it and making it a big thing, just answer questions as and when they arise.

We had the talk at 9 so we could make sure dd understood about bodies and periods etc. I think 9 is a perfectly acceptable age to learn this kind of stuff. Although dd was a bit grossed out that daddy and I had had sex 4 whole times hahahahaha - we have 4 kids.

Everyone jumping on the OP (in true mumsnet style!) telling her it’s too late are being mean for the sake of it. She hasn’t said she hasn’t told him anything, the playground talk could be anything that he hasn’t asked about - I don’t think many people would sit a 9 year old down and explain blow jobs to them unless they asked!

I follow the same principle as most pp, I just answer the questions as they come up. My son is 6, and has 2 younger siblings so knows how they got in and how they came out, which he was about as shocked about as when I explained how birds can fly. Kids just take it as information, the same as other stuff you tell them.

Also I challenge when he’s got something wrong. He took it as a given when I was pregnant with the youngest that the doctor would cut the baby out (not sure why as I’ve never had a c section and at that point had never talked about c sections) so I corrected him and told him how they generally come out. Same with ‘have you had sex 3 times because you have 3 babies’, no, we’ve had sex lots of times because it’s fun, and there’s ways you can not end up with a baby when having sex

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. To those who say it's too late there's not much I can do about it now!!

Of course they know where babies come from, just not how they are made, the specifics. They haven't done anything at school yet and when I asked a few mums only those with girls had had chats with their DDs because of breasts, periods and pubes etc.

They also know that men love women or men and same with women.

So thanks all. This has really helped and I will bring it up with DH again tonight.

Re

@usernamerisnotavailable at this stage I would probably just wait until the next time he mentions something and then say do you know what that means? And he’ll tell you what he thinks and you can correct any misconceptions and fill in any gaps.
I don’t think sitting down for a ‘chat’ is very useful, it makes it seem such a big deal

If his friends have older brothers very unfortunately I can practically guarantee he has seen porn already.

This is not a helpful post, but I have just remembered a conversation we had with DS (age 11) a few weeks ago about Sex Ed at school. I asked him if he’d learned anything new that he hadn’t known before.
‘A couple of things’, he said, ‘we learnt the proper word for cum, but I’ve forgotten it now’.
‘Was it semen?’ I asked.
‘Yes, that’s it. And we learned another scientific word: boner’.

Made us laugh. Bless him!

My mum sat me down when I was 12 for ‘the talk’ I was a bit and said you’re far too late as I know all about it.
We’ve had ongoing chats with or kids. Ds knows all about periods and he knows the egg and sperm make a baby. We haven’t got quite as far the actual sex bit but I know it needs to happen really soon (he’s 9)

I agree with other posters that aged 9 is way too late. I am very surprised that they haven't asked any questions yet!

@usernamerisnotavailable glad to see you're covering diverse relationships, but can I just ask you to say men can love women And/or men (and ditto for women). Sounds crazy, but I grew up knowing about gay relationships, but no one ever thought to mention you could like both!