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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If your child has an absent father?

22 replies

MonstranceClock · 20/06/2019 10:24

My daughter is coming up to 5, and is starting to question a little more why shes doesn't have a dad. I've always made it quite normal in the sense of some families do and some families don't and she's always accepted this. Now she's getting a but better, I want to be a bit more prepared on how to tackle this with her, without making her feel rejected and unwanted by her dad. She doesn't seem overly bothered, but does say it would be nice to have a daddy like the other kids at school.
If you've been in this situation, aibu to ask for some tips or advise on how to talk about this with her?

OP posts:

teddypasty · 20/06/2019 11:40

It sounds like you are doing all you can. Make sure she realises families come in many forms, and that she is very loved. That's all you can do. You are doing a great job of being both parents and as long as she always feels she can talk to you she'll be fine.

My dd asked if she could meet her BD at 16. I tracked him down despite his best efforts to disappear (the power of the internet!) They were in contact for a short time but unfortunately he was still the same selfish twat and they rarely talk now. However it was important for her to know, so keep as many details as you can assuming it's safe and possible to do so, as she will have questions when she's older. He is part of her identity

Original poster

MonstranceClock · 20/06/2019 12:09

Thankyou. I really hope she never wants to meet him. He is truly vile. It's just getting harder to dodge the questions. I have photo's of him, I'm wondering if I should show them to her or if that would be too hard for her?

OP posts:

Original poster

MonstranceClock · 21/06/2019 10:27

Bump for anyone else in this position

OP posts:

Mia1415 · 21/06/2019 10:29

I'm in exactly the same situation (DS is 6). I do the same as you 'all families are different' etc. He is starting to ask more questions though and its getting harder to answer.

BigRedLondonBus · 21/06/2019 10:35

Same situation. Ex is absent and I have 4 kids. He said he doesn’t want to see them or ever be a dad. He has been absent for 2 years. I just tell them he doesn’t want to be a dad, I’m not gonna lie and pretend he loves them I’m just going to be honest.

Original poster

MonstranceClock · 21/06/2019 17:47

BigRed do you worry about them feeling rejected though?

OP posts:

Rtmhwales · 21/06/2019 17:55

Same situation, but my DS is only one. His father has been absent since pregnancy and lives abroad.

Spoke with a child psychologist about it while pregnant (and I work in children's counseling as well) and was advised to just tell DS when he starts asking that some people aren't capable of being good people or good parents and that the absent father trusted you to raise your DC well enough and provide enough love on your own.

BigRedLondonBus · 21/06/2019 18:03

No not really, it’s the truth. I’m not gonna sugar coat it. I’ve got messages from him to show them when he is older incase they want to go looking for him they can know what kind of man he is but obviously I will wait until they are much older before showing them anything like that. I think either way a child with an absent father is always going to feel some kind of rejection.

SupermassiveBlackHo · 21/06/2019 18:06

I had an absent father. Walked out when I was 5 and haven't seen him since. I don't feel rejected - I feel pissed off that he left my mother and didn't pay a penny towards my upbringing, especially as she struggled for money. I feel resentful and angry that he got to walk away with no comeuppance, but not rejected.

Starlight456 · 21/06/2019 18:15

My Ds hasn’t seen his dad since he was 3. Now 12.

I told him once he needed to know more we left as I thought we would be happier living on our own ( we went to a refuge)

He does understand more . He was unable to put what he needed first . Knows he was a. Angry man and wasn’t able to recognise how he was feeling as a baby.

I have always avoided the your dad loves you in his own way. I don’t want my Ds to think that this is how you behave when you are in love.

I would say be honest at an age appropriate level so as they get older if they need to know more they can ask more .

I do have a few pics of ex but I wouldn’t get them out unless Ds asked

GruciusMalfoy · 21/06/2019 18:15

My children don't have a father in their lives, and I've had to go down the "some people just aren't able to be good or safe parents". If they ask why, we can chat about what things makes their home safe or nice to be in (so things like it's warm, secure, there's food in the fridge, we don't fight with each other, we have toys and things to do) and how some people don't have or cant provide safe homes.

I worry about how it will affect them in the future, but it isn't anything I can change (and our situation is particularly complicated for reasons I can't really go into) and so I just have to trust that I'm giving them the most stable and loving upbringing I'm able to provide.

BigRedLondonBus · 21/06/2019 18:17

I have always avoided the your dad loves you in his own way. I don’t want my Ds to think that this is how you behave when you are in love.

Definitely agree with this

Original poster

MonstranceClock · 21/06/2019 18:17

It just seems so hard to have this conversation with her when she's so little, but she definitely seems like she's ready to know more.

OP posts:

Oldstyle · 21/06/2019 18:19

My son, now with children of his own, does feel a sense of rejection in spite of having plenty of loving relationships with adults & in spite of having subsequently formed a sort-of relationship with his (absent, useless, irresponsible, selfish but not abusive) dad.
I don't think you can prevent that but I do think it's important to be honest about your DD's father in the way that Rtmhwales suggests. Otherwise kids, especially daughters, can start to romanticise the absent parent and then feel doubly let down when they eventually meet and discover the truth. This happened to a friend's daughter - her mum had always made excuses for her ex and painted too kind a portrait. The impact on the daughter who sought him out as a troubled teen was catastrophic.

GruciusMalfoy · 21/06/2019 18:20

It's difficult when they're so little, because you naturally want to shield them from the fact that their father doesn't give a f, bu5 I really agree with answering questions in an age appropriate way.

BertieBotts · 21/06/2019 18:24

It's about the right age IME. Start talking about how babies are made and explain yes there was a man, named X, who helped make you, he would have been your daddy but he wasn't very good at daddy things/he wasn't very nice to mummy and hurt mummy or made mummy sad. Or you can talk about him using the name daddy. It doesn't really matter. DS1 spent a while calling XP "other daddy" (he has a stepdad) and then "my daddy from when I was a baby" and now he's older he just uses his first name because he says he doesn't think he's ever really been a dad to him.

By "not very good at daddy things" you can have a conversation about what makes a good mummy or daddy such as being kind, calm, taking care of children and so on. Unfortunately some mums and dads aren't kind or don't know how to take care of children and so it isn't safe for their children to live with them. It's important children live with someone who loves them and cares for them. Then make it clear that it's his choices which were the problem, he could have chosen to be kind or to learn how to look after children but he didn't want to. It's also OK to say you don't know if she asks questions you can't answer.

It also means you can be matter of fact about genes like you get your hair colour from me, but your eye colour from dad/X.

If there are any half siblings in the picture now or in the future it can help to just have "always" known that there was a dad somewhere out there too.

KookyBeret · 21/06/2019 18:31

I've got DDs 8 and 6 and they will hopefully never meet their father. When they're a bit older, I'll have to explain what happened properly but, for now, I'm taking the "some families do, some don't" as well. The only other thing I can do is assure them that we are much better off without that man and to own being a single parent.

CwtchMeQuick · 21/06/2019 18:40

DS dad has been absent since DS was a baby. At first when he started asking about him and where he lived etc I tried to keep details vague because I didn’t want to say anything bad about him. But I found DS became angry at me and it seemed like he thought I was keeping his dad from him who he was imagining to be like the dads he sees at school. Eventually I decided to just be honest with him. When he asked I told him that his dad wasn’t kind to me and hurt me, and that we don’t see him to keep us both safe, and that I don’t know where he is or what he’s doing.

The truth is that I escaped one night having been locked in the house and subjected to hours of violence while baby DS watched. DS doesn’t need to know that now, but one day when he’s old enough he might need to to understand fully why his dad hasn’t been part of his life.

DS appears to have just accepted that his dad was ‘naughty’ (his words) and that’s that. He sometimes brings him up and we talk about him in a very factual way. I have pictures in case he asks for them, but I’m not going to offer them because I think if he needed to know what he looked like, he’d ask.

I’ve put a lot of emphasis on to different types of families and how lucky DS is to have so many people around him that love him, but really what he’s responded best to is age appropriate honesty. Children don’t need to feel loved by their absent parents when the truth is, they’re probably not. Children need to believe they deserve real, proven, consistent love.

PeevedNiamh · 21/06/2019 18:47

Same as many, some people just weren't made to be parents. Actually some people are just complete arseholes but I'll never say that to my DS.

Original poster

MonstranceClock · 21/06/2019 19:33

I'm not going to paint him out to be a nice guy, there is literally nothing nice to say about him. I just don't want her to feel responsible at all, I know sometimes kids can take on guilt.

OP posts:

Glovesick · 22/06/2019 00:11

My DD is 5.5, very similar to your situation OP. Her dad is a child sex offender. Best I could come up with is that he had been mean and unkind to others and to me and I didn't wa t to risk him being unkind to her.

I can't bring myself to tell her more at the moment. Her world is so sunny and innocent, she doesn't need to know detail until she is much older.

Doesn't stop her asking and she is angry I might be preventing her from seeing a perfectly lovely dad like everyone else has at school.

So hard.

Ellona · 22/06/2019 01:25

I'm currently 29 and my dad was absent although I'm lucky enough to have an amazing step dad who I will forever call Dad. I agree with pp to tell DD in an age appropriate way but I would also be mindful in trying to be comfortable with it as when I was younger I could sense my Mums unease so after a while I didn't mention it but would sit in my room and cry alone feeling terribly rejected. Even now I still feel angry and sad about him never being around but I'm very grateful to have such an amazing Mum and im sure your DD will feel this to.

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