WTAF: DH has "other things to do"?!!!

[Psynonym]

Original post a few says ago www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3611247-To-expect-an-adult-man-to-TAKE-HIS-swear-BOOTS-OFF?pg=1&order=

This mornig DH asked if I was ok and I said I was a bit fed up of the detritus all over the place despite the amount of time I spend clearing up after other people. The dining chairs were all over the room, one old chair is sitting right outside the front door with it's seat removed a rusty springs sticking up everywhere because DH started trying to fix it last night and then left it there. It's been rained on. There was muck and bits of chewed grease proof paper that the dog had pulled out of the bin all over the place, a load of cuttings have appeared sitting on wet newspaper on a windowsill, DSs clothes from yesterday are all over the living room where DH took them off to get him ready for bed, bits of dried mud on the kitchen floor, muddy marks on the wall above a radiator where DH hung wet work gloves... I could go on.

His reply was "I do have other stuff to do you know."

I am livid and actually quite hurt. My original post was slightly light hearted in that I knew I was just having a rant, but this really takes the piss.

Of course the implication is that I don't have anything else to do. Otherwise, who does he expect to clean up after him?

I am at home with a 3 year old. I do all our admin, cooking, shopping and laundry. I am trying to write an application for a Masters atm and get together some details for an application for supply TA work in September to fit around DS starting school. I am arguing with the council about our tax bill, the DWP about tax credits and constantly updating bloody Universal Credit so we have enough money to make ends meet. All of this is apparently completely worthless.

I just feel like a dogsbody and totally disrespected, devalued and down trodden.

On his way out of the door DH said "sorry for whatever I've done to annoy you."
I pointed out that he couldn't make a less sincere apology than that if he tried. He said he didn't know why I was in such a mood. I left it because I don't like arguing over DS's head and we were all leaving the house. Now I feel like crying.

Am I over reacting? What on earth do I do or say to make him see what he said is really hurtful?

Christ knows what will happen when I do go back to work. I'll be working, looking after DS and doing everything around the house won't I?

Yes you will. A lot of people will now come on suggesting you get divorced but I would suggest repeatedly telling him this behaviour is unacceptable. Judging by other similar posts he will sulk, rage and question your sanity. Just expect it and keep going.

The answer is to get rid of the older toddler in your house. You're supposed to be partners in this and he's clearly not pulling his weight or having any idea that there is a weight to be pulled. He needs a stark warning in the form of being kicked out for a couple of days or a similar ultimatum. If that doesn't work, I'm afraid you know where you are.

Yep you will. Mine did the same when DD was born, ‘you’re at home all day’. Went back to work full time, but nothing changed. Got pregnant with DS, nothing changed. On mat leave again, still the same. ‘You’re at home all day’

Yeah, and I expect to do the bulk but is it too much to ask you dont drop stuff at your arse and fucking leave it there until i move it and wash a few pots up when i’ve had your meal ready for pretty much as soon as you walk in the door?

Apparently so. As you can probably tell, we have rowed recently and I’m still annoyed!*

I just don't know how we've got here. He has no respect for me. It makes me really sad.

I would not be raising my son in an environment where all he'll learn is to treat women like servants.

Yes, but the other things he has to do, doesn't absolve him of any responsibility to contribute to the running of the household. He still has to pick up after himself, help with the toddler, help with the admin', do things as they need doing rather than walking past them telling himself that they don't matter or that you'll do them.

If he wants you to be appreciative and supportive of what he brings to the table, he needs to do the same to you.

Are there things you do that matter more to him than to you? You could stop doing those.

Or you could sit down calmly with him when your DS is in bed tonight and tell him you can not live like this. You are not his mother and you can not see him as an adult and a partner if he cannot act like one and do simple things like tidy up after himself.

In my experience, you have to insist on respect in some relationships. Don't accept less than you want for yourself, as that is what you will get.

I feel for you. I'm in a similar situation (and was on your other thread). Thing is, I'm not perfect either but it annoys me, and in an ideal world I'd clean the house every weekend. But when someone then walks around a freshly-hoovered house in muddy boots smirking at the mess he's making everywhere it's easy to just give up and let things slide.

In our case it doesn't help that he's depressed and I'm seriously stressed. At the moment I have an hour and a half in the morning to get things done, then two hours at night if I manage to stay up to 11. In the morning I might sit down for 20 minutes with a cuppa before running around sorting myself and the animals out. He feeds the hens (5 mins max) and spends the rest of the times sat down. In the evening he'll be in his shed until about ten, drinking and tinkering, until I finally manage to get him in for dinner. Saying that, he has been picking me up recently which is a ten minute distraction. On the other hand I get in gone nine, make dinner, feed the animals and try to do whatever else needs doing. He does do the washing up.

Last night he came in and started ranting at me about 101 things I never do right. That was fun. He also keeps mentioning stuff in the garden I should pick before it goes to seed. The fact that he has far more time at home than me these days doesn't seem to occur to him. Apparently I need to do it.

Sorry, I'm going on. I'm still getting over last night's drunken rant. What I'd do in your case is collect up everything that he's left lying around and dump it somewhere. It gets it out of your hair and means the house is tidier, but means you have little to do with it. I do that when DP's away - gather up all the rubbish he has lying around the house and leave it in a pile in his shed.

is there anyone you can stay with for a couple of days?

I have to say though, I find this horrendous. Anyone who thinks you have nothing better to do other than clean up after them is an awful person, sorry.

Not really, no. My family and most of my friends are on the other side of the country so it takes a day to get there.

It is a shotty thing to say isn't it? I know if I bring it up he'll say that's not what he meant, and that I'm over reacting, and if I don't want to clean up then don't do it. I always feel I'm being unreasonable and a bit mad.

My DH is probably one of the laziest fuckers I've ever known....if he'd allowed to be. He is scruffy & lazy but has definitely improved over the past year or so.

This morning he made a coffee and must have spilt and splashed it all over the side and washing machine. Well, he actually cleaned up 80% of it whereas before it would've all been left!!

He used to leave all rubbish and recycling on the side 2 feet away from the bins (separate). Now he mostly puts it in one of the bins.

This has taken a lot of kicking off and ranting from me though. I've tried the calm explanations and also the full on tantrums from myself. I've even tried not doing anything for him (didn't help at all!!).

I think if I were in your shoes I'd try explaining, then nagging, then leaving.

My DH used to be an absolute arse with keeping the house clean and it drove me mad sometimes.

Neither of us are obsessive about having a “perfect house” we have twin toddlers so no bloody chance on it being perfectly clean all the time. BUT I still do what I can to keep the place presentable and oftentimes found I was clearing up after him more than DC.

I snapped when he was in a huff one Sunday afternoon and I was in the midst of sorting out a lot of laundry for the twins. He moaned that I’d missed his washing and he needed his clothes for work (he has lots of clean and ironed clothes in the wardrobe but wanted his favourites) and I just stared at him, he got stroppy and said it again, that I was doing all the other laundry so why did I miss his?

I explained in that sort of deathly calm but clearly very pissed off voice that, I have, on numerous occasions, told him that if he wants his washing done when I’m doing the laundry he should put it in the sodding wash basket, he would leave it in a pile on our bedroom floor. Then - when he spitefully did this (muttering all the way) and brought the basket downstairs I said quite sarcastically “very good, you know where the machine is, go and sort it out.” He was in the kitchen for 15 minutes and I was playing with our DC. Then I went to check on why he was taking so long... he had loaded the machine but was just standing over the detergent drawer looking perplexed then, in a very small voice, admitted he didn’t know what went where. Now he has written instructions left by the unit and knows that he is a grown ass man who should be able to do his own washing!

That situation broke the dam and I basically told him that not only was his general messiness like a personal insult to me (I referred him to a very good article on the ‘you must be this tall to ride’ blog) but it was incredibly unattractive that he wanted me to look after him like he was one of the DC. To think of what he’s teaching them when he’s happy to wallow in a pit and not just make a small effort to pitch in. I asked what would he do if our DD ended up in a relationship with somebody like him... he’s by no means perfect now and still needs nudging, but the sulking and general disrespect has improved a lot.

I also threatened that if he was going to continue acting like a child I’d treat him like one, he didn’t like that.

I think you need to explain - in no uncertain terms that your DH’s behaviour IS disrespectful. I made the mistake of saying to mine how it made me feel a lot and he’d basically take the ‘I can’t control how you feel about something’ road. So I avoid that phrasing in these sorts of debates now and just tell him how it is, then later we discuss how it makes us feel when he’s not completely defensive.

I would write down for him almost everything you wrote in your OP, and give it to him to read. Your OP says it really well.

Don't cook him dinner/wash his clothes and then when he asks say 'I do have other stuff to do you know'

Here's the thing - this is what he said, and this is what you took from it. If that is not what he meant, then he needs to explain better what he did mean.

Secondly, when he was getting DS ready for bed, no he didn't have other things to do. Part of what he was doing was to put the wet clothes in the wash or the washing basket. It's up to HIM to finish the job, not leave half of it for someone else to do, or it not be done. When he was dealing with the chair that needs repair, no, he didn't have other things to do. Part of what he was doing, was putting the chair where it wouldn't be rained on.

It's also up to him to treat you the way he would like to be treated. I.e. with appreciation and respect. And you don't feel that you are being treated with appreciation and respect. If you listed the examples you have, and then linked them with his words, can he, in all genuine honesty, say that if the shoe was on the other foot, he'd be feeling that he was being treated with appreciation and respect?

mbosnz that's a really clear and helpful way of looking at it and explaining the problem to him, thank you.

He is incredibly proud and stubborn and hates he idea he might be wrong, so he's terrible at admitting mistake. It makes getting a genuine apology or bit of empathy out of him a struggle.

I'm glad I could help.

Um, my man is very intelligent, very capable, and very 'certain of himself'. I think he finds it a lot harder than he would admit, to acknowledge error. He tends to 'take my point'. It's not quite the same!

If I get a genuine apology, I pop the bubbles, lol. But if he does apologise, then it is very genuinely meant, and he works hard to rectify the error.

Yes, that sounds very familiar! DH is also very intelligent and capable and is used to being highly regarded by others.

He does have some redeeming qualities!

They do tend to forget that at home they are just one of the team, not 'The Big I Am', as I put it if I want to point out that he's acting a tad like his father (which is the ultimate big gun. . .)

Sorry, I'm back here whinging again. I'm a bit lost and worried that might entire life is a sham tbh.

DS woke up inexplicably at 5am and since then I have been up and down, trying to encourage him back to bed, singing him back to sleep, getting hit in the face when he had a melt down, changing him because he'd pooed in his nappy (still in nappies at night). Now it's 7.30 and we're up having breakfast on the sofa watching Hey Dougie.

Throughout all of this, much if it in mine and DHs bedroom, DH has been laying there, in silence, eyes shut. At one point I said "DH, can you help me? He needs changing but he's having a meltdown." DH got up and immediately came back to bed saying he hadn't done a poo and was fine. I knew he had. So I got up again and took DS downstairs to clean him up myself.

Other than that, DH didn't say a word. He didn't try to help, he didn't say "Don't hit mummy" or mutter a thank you to me for doing everything so he could sleep, just nothing.

I know he's tired because he fell asleep on the sofa last night watching a film. I had gone to settle DS again at about 9.30 and fallen asleep in with him myself. I woke up at 2am and found DH on the sofa. He came to bed. When i came down this morning the door to the living room had been left open meaning the dog had made a bloody nest on the sofa, the lights were on, crisp packets on the floor, stuff from last nights dinner (that I cooked) all over the kitchen...

I just feel like a complete mug. Nothing I've said this week has hit home at all.

When we got married we left London and moved to the other side of the UK to the place DH grew up. It's lovely but not easy as a newcomer or a SAHM. My career has taken a dive. I'm trying to apply for a masters and part time work to start in Sept but my confidence is so low it feels impossible. We're broke because I'm at home and DH is doing a job he loves but doesn't earn much. He's built it up from nothing in 3 years and that's an achievement but still. I have no money of my own. Everything I spend on me and DS (a few quid for soft play, baked potato in supermarket cafe once a week) is scrutinised because we can't afford it. I have one bra that fits me and it's falling apart.

What is the point of me? DS is amazing and my world but I can't live my whole life for him alone.

I know I'm rambling. I don't know what to do. DH says he loves me and he's not a bad guy but I'm starting to wonder if marriage (at least to me) and parenting isn't for him. I'm really lonely. I've said this stuff to him before but nothing really changes.

It's our wedding anniversary next week and he's arranged for his mum to babysit so we can "go for a pint". I don't know if we have anything to celebrate together.

OP, you sound so lovely. I think if I were you right now, I wouid do something quite dramatic. Tell him you have hit a wall and simply can’t cope. Not a minute longer..Give your DS to him (I know it’s hard, but you can’t go onlike this, that’s for sure), then get in the car and tell him you are going away for some space. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you are probably having a breakdown because you may well be. Even if you’re not there yet, you are definitely at risk.

You HAVE to look after yourself - you are a mum. You matter as much as them. Ask him if he wants his child to have a mentally ill mother. Take yourself out of the whole environment and leave him to think. He needs a shock. He needs to feel the emptiness and see the situation through a different lens. Sometimes you literally have to hit rock bottom to make them understand and see that they need to change.

Leave him with the mess and DS and go. Tell him you are questioning your whole situation and the point of your existence. You don’t know who you are anymore. Do you think you could do something like this?

It really comes across that you are both knackered. How old is DS?

He's. There are too threads going here. Sorry about that.