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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have finally cracked

17 replies

Worriedmum201 · 19/06/2019 23:26

Posted before about exp driving drunk with my ds in car. Fast forward to now he is refusing to pay maintenance money and saying he will give it to ds directly.

I’ve finally lost it with him and had a go because it’s his fault ds wants nothing to do with him not mine.

Can he do this with maintenance money legally? He works for his parents so they could easily fiddle it.

I’m so angry

OP posts:
Original poster
Worriedmum201 · 20/06/2019 00:17

He is still sending me abusive texts I would really love to just go to sleep

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 20/06/2019 00:23

Depending on how old DS is, he could say whether he wants to see exp or not. If he's 12 a court would not want to force him. As for the money, I suppose you could just say if he doesn't pay it to you, there will be no receipts and you will go to the CMS to enforce it.

Original poster
Worriedmum201 · 20/06/2019 00:28

Ds is almost 13. He’s having to have counselling at school for the stress this has caused him. Exp has made no effort to visit him or speak to him after being arrested on the spot and ds being taken away in a separate police car.

Ds told him he didn’t want to see him this weekend so I’ve been subject to this barrage of abuse. He actually doesn’t see that he’s the one to blame for this situation. He put ds in serious danger and was reported for erratic driving

OP posts:
Original poster
Worriedmum201 · 20/06/2019 00:29

So this has resulted in it being my fault there is no contact and him stopping maintenance because I shouldn’t get any because I’m stopping contact Angry

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Original poster
Worriedmum201 · 20/06/2019 00:30

.... which I’m not I’ve just said it has to be supervised which is what ss told me

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Singlenotsingle · 20/06/2019 00:34

Tell him you'll take it to CMS. The child has a right to see his df but if he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to! He still has to eat, he needs clothes, and a home. These things cost money and the father has to contribute.

justilou1 · 20/06/2019 00:34

Sounds like abuse and harassment to me. Keep all messages. All of this is designed to intimidate and wear you down. None of this will have any legal legs and he doesn’t actually get to decide. Lawyer up.

Original poster
Worriedmum201 · 20/06/2019 00:37

There is a lot of history with ss with him and his other ds also. We have a reasonable
Contact order already which he has broken by not looking after ds properly and the police are prosecuting him for child neglect.

I wish I wasn’t so soft I can’t help getting upset I’ve honestly done all I can to encourage a relationship but this has been the final straw

OP posts:
Jemima232 · 20/06/2019 00:38

Hi WorriedMum

You must be feeling really desperate and anxious about all this. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry your DS is suffering, too.

You need the help of Women's Aid, I think.

www.womensaid.org

And do your best to try to get some sleep tonight. I know that's a trite thing to say when you're being worn down by your horribly abusive ex, but if you get some rest you can look at the Women's Aid website tomorrow and make some plans.

Lots of love.

Butterymuffin · 20/06/2019 00:41

Take it through the CMS. And show the police his threats and abusive texts. Don't delete them, much as you want to - they could be useful later.

Original poster
Worriedmum201 · 20/06/2019 00:42

Thank you so much for your kind words they’ve made me cry again but in a nice way. My dp just doesn’t understand why I let it bother me

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justilou1 · 20/06/2019 00:52

How can you not be bothered when your kid must be so disappointed? I think your reaction is entirely justified. You will be disappointed in yourself for choosing a bad father for your kid. It’s hard not to beat yourself up. Remind yourself that you are not who you were and he was not who he sold himself as being. You worked with the facts you were presented with and I am pretty sure he lied a lot.

Anarchyshake · 20/06/2019 02:42

Funnily enough, the less an absent parent sees their child, the more maintenance they are expected to pay.

Was it you who posted before about the ex driving ds while drunk but the police didn't do anything about it? Or was that another poor poster?

I'm glad he's being prosecuted. What a dangerous waste of space.

Original poster
Worriedmum201 · 20/06/2019 05:44

It was ss who wouldn’t do anything about it they just left it to me and said if I allowed contact they would look at my parenting

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JQBased · 20/06/2019 05:56

It doesn't pay to be soft with these types of guys, you and your DS will suffer in the long run. Keep all abuse, any threats of violence or him doing something illegal go straight to the police, apart from that keep for evidence. I would sought a court order against him, I would absolutely not encourage contact between your DS and that waste of space! It doesn't matter about what he thinks, he has a child and the child doesn't just cease to exist because he is too irresponsible for even your DS to want to see him...So he should be paying regardless. Other than that, do not respond to any ranting messages he sends, it will only encourage him and fuel him.

VivienneHolt · 20/06/2019 06:02

You will be disappointed in yourself for choosing a bad father for your kid.

What a horrible thing to say! It’s not like OP knew something like this would happen and it’s not her fault her ex is abusive.

Original poster
Worriedmum201 · 20/06/2019 10:16

I’m just at the end of my tether

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