Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to hear from him in the military

29 replies

Floopyandtired · 19/06/2019 21:45

I’ve been seeing a new guy for 4-5 months and 5 weeks ago he begun army basic training. We’re not “official” as we’ve both recently come out of serious relationships and there’s DC’s involved so we want to take it slow, but that’s where it’s heading.

Since he’s left for basic training though I’ve heard nothing from him apart from 1 message saying “thank you” when I said I hoped it was going well. I’ve sent him the odd message, about one a week, just keeping him in the loop with what’s going on and he’s read them all but not replied. I’ve decided to just leave it for now and assume I’ll hear from him when he’s ready.

I have no experience of the forces at all so I don’t know if I’m BU to expect to hear from him during this time? I can’t imagine how full on it must be for him so am trying not to over think and be selfish about the situation.

OP posts:
June19 · 19/06/2019 21:48

It will be horrendously full on. He'll be knackered. That said, I'm sure he'll have had a bit of time when he could send a quick text.

Original poster
Floopyandtired · 19/06/2019 21:53

He’s definitely been on his phone as I can see his “last seen” on WhatsApp. He’s waited so long to start training and I know he’ll be giving it his all so I’m trying to be patient but it’s so hard isn’t it.

OP posts:
sirmione16 · 19/06/2019 21:54

One of my close friends has a partner in the military and literally never knows when she'll hear from him, sometimes it's weeks on end without contact.

sergeilavrov · 19/06/2019 21:56

If you can see his last seen, you know he’s had time to go on his phone. On the other hand, consider that he might want to have a longer conversation with you and doesn’t have the time to guarantee that - so he’s afraid of starting to message.

Original poster
Floopyandtired · 19/06/2019 22:02

I’d totally expect not to hear for ages if he was on a tour or somewhere far flung but I didn’t realise it would be this quiet so soon. Maybe I just need to grow a pair haha

OP posts:
DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 19/06/2019 22:05

It's pretty full on, he possibly won't have had time to reply properly. He might also want a longer chat with you. Or if he's finding it tough, not talking to you at all might be easier- doesn't let the mask slip.

Try asking on the forces board? People who've been together through basic might have a better picture of what it's like.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 19/06/2019 22:06

He will need to stay focused . In the nicest way you are a distraction op....

Xmr1986 · 19/06/2019 22:10

No @Floopyandtired that's not how it works. Even in basic they can sometimes sneak their phones but they're supposed to be low/no contact with the outside world for a fair while.

My best friend's DP is a Para and even when at home they can go for weeks, litterally just in fields here in the UK, on training and they have to be NC.

If you can't handle it now you're going to struggle for a long time ahead. Sometimes she doesn't hear from him for 6 weeks! And when deployed that can be more like 12 minimum.

avalanching · 19/06/2019 22:11

Basic training is pretty full on especially in the early weeks. If he's on ex he won't have his phone. That said, I still heard from DH most evenings (when he wasn't on ex) if it says he's been on WhatsApp he may be mugging you off a bit. He'll be knackered though. He should get a weekend of leave about 6 weeks in?

lljkk · 19/06/2019 22:12

Junior soldiers in basic training only get hands on their phones for very limited time per day. Probably similar with adult intake. They spend all their time cleaning equipment & being told off.

Alsohuman · 19/06/2019 22:14

When they start officer training their phones are taken away for the first six weeks.

Illy603 · 19/06/2019 22:24

Partner is in the military and sometimes when he goes on ex I can have days where I don’t hear from him. We didn’t go through basics together but he’s told me how tough it was, physically and mentally. He likely wont have time/access to his phone until late into the evening and by then probably just wants to collapse in a heap.

Saying that though, to not even get a quick “Hey, alls good. Speak properly when I can” is a bit strange.
Hopefully he will get time soon to chat to you, otherwise I may be inclined to ask what’s up with the silence 🤔

SupermassiveBlackHo · 19/06/2019 22:30

When my ExH did basic, I heard from him every day apart from when he was on ex. I was surprised at how much he was allowed his phone. We had even more contact when he was posted. It sounds like he has higher priorities that may or may not be army related.

Original poster
Floopyandtired · 19/06/2019 22:32

Thanks all. I really appreciate the replies because I was driving myself potty.

OP posts:
Isithometimeyet0987 · 19/06/2019 22:33

Totally normal espically in basic. Their told during basic it’s no/low contact for quite a while. My dad was in the army and my brothers currently in the army during his basic training he didn’t have very much contact with anyone, he said it was easier for him that way. If you want a relationship with this man you need to have a serious think because no/low contact while training or on tour can be normal, depending on the operation sometimes they can have Moreno contact with people.

CherryPavlova · 19/06/2019 22:36

Our son couldn’t make any contact for first ten weeks.

avalanching · 19/06/2019 22:44

@CherryPavlova none at all? That's not usual to not have your phone for that period of time, even in marine training my DH got selected times he could have his phone daily in the first 3 weeks.

CherryPavlova · 19/06/2019 22:56

No. Ten weeks with no contact at all. Then a families weekend when we could see him under very structured rules. He had to wear uniform at all times but was allowed out for a meal with us on the Friday evening but wasn’t allowed alcohol and had to return to the college by 11pm.
It eased slightly after that and they had phone times and even the odd evening out. It was about the four month point when they were allowed a weekend out of college. He’d just come back from exercises and was had a really bad belly most of the weekend so we were glad we’d booked hotel close by to save him travelling time. It was certainly a tough year.

CherryPavlova · 19/06/2019 22:57

Mind at the moment he’s away and phone calls to his girlfriend or us are a rare treat still.

avalanching · 19/06/2019 23:06

@CherryPavlova ah I'm assuming officer with mention of college? Certainly isn't like that for NCO basics, I mentioned to my husband and he said they have a duty of care and with welfare and mental health being such a hot topic atm they wouldn't get away with that now (NCO I mean, no experience of Officer). Marine family weekend was as early as 3 weeks and RAF 6 weeks. Although I'm guessing you're not speaking of Cranwell either as I know that isn't 10 weeks, but no experience of navy and army officer training. I would have torn my hair out that long no contact as we had children when he joined. Not for the faint heated hey!

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 19/06/2019 23:09

My DH is military and it was none contact for first 3 weeks then one phone call a week for 3 weeks until a visiting day on the Saturday after the first 6 weeks.

On the one hands sounds a bit like he is mugging you off as he’s seen the messages just not replied so must have had phone.

On the hand you need to prepare yourself that it’s tough and will often go for long periods of time with no contact depending on what trade they do. When my DH is on tour it can be over a week sometimes until we get any contact and that can be a very broken phone call! Get used to letter writing (it’s actually quite nice and I look forward to it in a strange way!)

CherryPavlova · 19/06/2019 23:12

@avalanching no indeed. Although as he went straight in from school p, it might have been a bit easier than those with young families and who had experience of real life. Boarding in sixth form was very good preparation!
He’d never been huge but was a solid 6’4” rugger player who lost about two stone and looked so skinny and so young when we went for families weekend. He’d grown up a lot by the time he passed out though.

avalanching · 19/06/2019 23:14

@CherryPavlova I always remember at the families day them saying they arrive as boys and leave as men (the days before women could join!) and as cheesy as it sounded it was certainly true!!

avalanching · 19/06/2019 23:17

Although it was opposite weight wise for my DH as they eat 5000 calories a day in marine training, he was hench at the end of it lol!

Grumpos · 19/06/2019 23:23

Whilst they have limited contact in basic training, he’s now on week 5 so I’d have expected him to have a bit of access to the outside world.
You’ve been seeing him 4/5 months, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a msg. If you can see he’s regularly online on WhatsApp then yes he’s choosing not to msg you.
Maybe it’s bc he wants to fully focus on the training but also it only takes a moment to say “hey hope you’re ok, training going well, can’t really talk but will msg you once I’m finished” - I mean that takes literally 30 seconds.
I’m not suggesting you bin the whole thing off but I wouldn’t just sit around assuming you’re still together either. Crack on with ur life and see what happens.
Cracks me up how so many ppl on here suggest you’re a crazy stalker for wanting the person you’ve been seeing for several months to txt you once in 5 weeks. God their expectations of men are low.
Training or no training, they get toilet breaks, mess nights etc. He’s been online!!!! I’d check over a few days and if he’s online each day but not messaging you, that really does tell you something, sorry

Swipe left for the next trending thread