CAFCASS

[flubber101]

AIBU to be really nervous about my first contact with them tomorrow?

It's a telephone call and I need to justify why I've kept my son away from my abusive ex.

Any advice on how I can not make a fool of myself? I'm not very good on the phone.

I thought about listing the incidents in order that they happened?

That seems a good idea. Have you written them all down, so you have them in front of you?

@mbosnz I have. I have so many things but I've highlighted the things that effect my son directly, and am going to just give a general overview of how he treated me (in front of my son and his daughter). Keep it mainly child focussed.

I've heard so many weird things about CAFCASS. That they try to lull you in to a false sense of security. That they twist you words. That they will penalise you for sounding over confident. And so much more. I feel like I've been brainwashed by the internet in to thinking they're this weird cult who hate mothers who try to protect their kids!

You need to be factual and not accusatory. Eg I need you to help me keep my son safe, this situation happened (describe) and it affected my son this way (describe). Then ask if they want the documented texts/call logs/emails

Storming in as I would imagine a lot of parents do with a 'he's a XYZ, shes a ABC' .

Have you been assisted by any DV suppot services? Police or social services involvement? Do you have medical or psychological evidence you could submit to help your case? Basically any 3rd party reports that back up what you're saying will help you immensely. Unfortunately England has long operated an unofficial 'sharia' policy within the family courts, like so many other countries, whereby the testimony of a woman equates to only half that of a man. If that.

You may wish to familiarise yourself with Practise Direction 12 (2017 version) which set out exactly how allegations of DV and CA must now be handled in private family court cases. Your solicitor should be looking out particularly for any lazy gender stereotyping about mothers being vindictive or spiteful as Cafcass have been ticked off about this quite heavily in the past.

Sorry, entered too soon

Storming in as I would imagine a lot of parents do with a 'he's a XYZ, she's a ABC' will make you look like an irrational, unhinged harpie. You have to keep the upper cool, calm hand.

They will also be dealing with parents who are manipulative, spiteful so you must use this to your advantage by being open with them so they can see that you aren't.

I'm planning on staying factual. Aka

• this happened
• this is how it was detrimental to my son

I am keeping all emotion out of it. I know he will be telling them what an awful horrid bitch I am and I won't stoop to his level.

Involvement by any outside agencies with names/dates will help. You just need to see it from the point of view that you and your ex could both just be making up a whole load of lies. They have no way of knowing who is telling the truth. So any evidence you have of external support will really help you. (Police/school/health visitor/doctor etc)

Definitely bullet point notes/dates before the call and keep the conversation straightforward, polite and calm. If you think it's possible for your son to have a safe relationship with your ex (eg supervised contact) then suggest this. Stress you just want to keep him safe.

As others say keep it factual, try not to get defensive if they ask questions , offer as much evidence as you can, emails, FB screenshots, texts, info from other agencies including the school if they've been aware of how your child has been affected, but also the others mentioned by PPs. It's but that helpful to get 'evidence' from friends and family unless they've directly witnessed an incident and even then neutral 3rd parties are better, police , women's aid children's services, GP etc. Don't be afraid to discuss the emotional impact of what's happened, just don't get swept up in it. I've worked with cafcass a lot and the quality of service has generally been good but there have been some inadequate case workers. There is an escalation/composing process I have found to be effective on those occasions.

I think it went well. Apparently he raised no concerns about me and my parenting skills which was a surprise! Wish me luck.

Well that's something, maybe not being able to see his children has made him reflect on the way he's treated you all, the way he's affected you and them and that is his own doing that he doesn't see them. That doesn't excuse anything he's done but it's a good sign for supervised contact and for your children.

Judging by what he's been saying to other people about me I don't think he's done any reflection. I think he's just smug and thinks he's going to get his way in court. We'll see!