To think there must be a better approach to handling bullying?

[UpToMyElbowsInDiapers]

DD is 23 months. She goes to nursery 3 days per week and LOVES it... except for one thing. There’s a pretty violent boy there (and yes... I am indeed applying “violent” to a 2-year-old. It’s a crazy situation). Let’s call him Bob the Bully.

At first I thought it was no big deal - she’d come home every couple of weeks with a bruise, and I’d chalk it up to typical toddlerhood.

However, in the past 5 weeks she’s been bitten twice, hard enough to draw blood and to trigger a written “incident report”. She’s also had a lot more bruises and scrapes, and they’re getting bigger and more sore-looking. I’m pretty sure they aren’t from her clumsiness. Over the weekend, she told me repeatedly about how Bob had pushed her and she got a boo-boo (a bloody scrape on her arm) and that he made her cry. I would acknowledge her upset but try to change the conversation topic quickly so that she didn’t get more teary... but she kept bringing it up over and over. She seemed fixated on it. She even fantasized about kicking Bob. I didn’t even know she knew the word kicking! She’s also been muttering “Oh my God, Bob, stop!” which she obviously picked up from her teachers.

I spoke to her favourite teacher today, to see if there was anything DD was doing to provoke Bob (I know, I know, victim blaming... I just want her to stop getting hurt!) But the teacher informed me that Bob doesn’t need a reason: he apparently interrupts other kids’ play completely out of the blue, and kicks, hits, pushes, or bites them. Every day. She said she is trying to set boundaries with him and is trying to work with his parents “but if they don’t reinforce the lessons at home, there’s not much we can do”.

I feel really bad for the little boy because now I’m imagining that maybe he doesn’t have the most ideal home environment. But is there really nothing else that can be done? AIBU to consider talking to the head teacher about it and seeing if he could be suspended? I’m a pretty laisser-faire parent, but it’s been breaking my heart to see my daughter come home almost every day she’s in nursery bloodied and bruised. I don’t want her to think this is normal or acceptable, but I also don’t want to switch nurseries. Everything else there is a dream, and why should SHE be the one forced out?!

Any advice appreciated. Please be kind... I’m genuinely trying to understand the best options in this situation.

Speak to the nursery manager and ask them what they are doing to ensure your child has a safe environment to play/learn in. Be very specific about how the other child’s behaviour is impacting on your child’s development. Ask them for solutions and don’t be fobbed off.

It’s not bullying. He’s 2. I do agree, though, that you should speak to whoever is in charge. My view is that the boy’s behaviour sounds unmanageable and dangerous. I would remove my child if they refused to withdraw his place. That’s all you can do, really.

You need to do everything you can to protect your child. If they won't do anything more about Bob then personally I'd take her out immediately and look for another nursery. She doesn't deserve the trauma.

The Nursery need to evidence that they are doing everything in their power to prevent injuries to your child, absolutely. But using language like "bullying" and "victim blaming" in relation to 2 year olds is not helpful.

Speak to the nursery. Explain dc is being injured and what steps are in place to protect your dc. When mine was at nursery There was a similar sounding boy called Robert. He was a big boy and oldest in year. Dd was very verbal and would tell me in great detail what he had done to her and others. I also witnessed awful behaviour by him at drop off/pick up and his mum just standing by smiling at him so I knew there were issues and didn’t speak to nursery. Until one day dd said Robert had pushed her over and stood on her neck. I spoke to nursery and they were glad. In a nutshell they were trying to get help in place for him so people documenting incidents helped. His mum removed him from the nursery soon after. This is over 10 years ago and I can still remember his name and the look on his face, he knew full well what he was doing.

I had a similar situation. A little boy had a thing for grabbing DD2 round the neck. I had to remove his hands once, and the nursery manager just said that they were working with him. Then there was an incident when he pushed her over and because it was witnessed they dragged the parents in. As he obviously had a thing with her, we made arrangements whereby they were separated and he wasn't left alone near her. They can't remove a child at that age, and give them some kind of horrible label. But they may have to increase their staffing ratio so that he is more closely supervised. I would ask to make sure that they are separated.

Who's to say he has a horrible life. He could be absolutely adored and doted on. Their could be something wrong with the child. You can't assume every child who hits kicks ect ect comes from a bad home. However don't get me wrong it could just be bad behavior and a lack of parenting skills

They’re two year olds. It’s not bullying. It’s not even unusual or abnormal behaviour but it should be being addressed.

Children of two get bumps and scratches so I definitely wouldn’t overreact but I would expect a highly physical child to be controlled.

10 out of 10 for effort though!

I’d move on the basis that a nursery staff member who spoke to you like that about another child is so utterly unprofessional they are unlikely to be able to deal with issues that arise properly.

Not to mention that your child should not be picking up “oh my god Bob, stop” from nursery staff

Bob is a two year old. Every nursery has a Bob at some point. How it’s dealt with is key. Slagging Bob and his parents off to other parents does not suggest a staff that will be any good at dealing with it.

My DD had this when she was 2. She was in nursery full time from 8-6 every day whilst I worked long hours so it was even more important to me that she felt safe.
I took a softly softly approach at first and explained my concerns but after a few months of it continuing I ended up in a meeting with the manager and told her that if certain measures weren’t taken I was going to withdraw my DD from the nursery with immediate effect, refuse to pay our 2 months notice and contact both the LA and Ofsted regarding my safeguarding concerns at the nursery.
My child had not only been bruised, bitten and there was an incident pushed where she split her head open and needed stitches which I couldn’t get a clear answer to how it happened, just “she fell”.
I knew exactly what had happened as DD was very vocal about the abuse she was suffering at the hands of one particular child.
DDs fees were around £2200 a month at the time and funnily enough the incidents stopped and that particular child was not seen again at the nursery. I later found out he was a council subsidised foster child and as sad as it is that he was clearly suffering himself, I was not willing to overlook my child’s safety and pay for her to not be happy in that environment.
She was there for 2 years afterwards and was happy as Larry

Haha gotta love the typical Mumsnet variability, whereby I’m being simultaneously totally precious while also clearly allowing my daughter to be traumatized! 😂

In all seriousness, though, thanks for the responses. This has confirmed my suspicions that the nursery isn’t dealing with this adequately. They are continuing to allow a child to draw blood from others on a near-daily basis, and (as someone quite rightly pointed out) are slagging off that child and his parents rather than actually taking measures to keep the other children safe.

I think I’ll start by having one more chat with the teacher I spoke to today and express these concerns. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt as she truly is wonderful in every other respect, and everyone has days when they handle something poorly at work or blurt out something they really ought not to say. But if the reign of terror continues (and tonight bedtime took an hour because DD was complaining about Bob again and showing me a new cut on her wrist), then I will bring it to the nursery head and threaten to pull her out. It has extra clout (and frankly I’m extra keen to get this resolved!) because DD’s little brother is due to start there too, in January!

If you have to threaten them into dealing with the situation why would you entrust them with your child, and send another there.

They’re unprofessional and incapable of dealing with toddler behaviour. Two pretty fundamental things for a nursery to get wrong.

Bob is 2. Bob will get bigger and stronger. There will also be other Bob’s. Getting rid of today’s Bob from the setting won’t make them more professional or better at dealing with children.

How do other nurseries typically deal with a Bob-type child?

They need to supervise him at all times.

Reward charts. Praising good and ignoring bad. Fussing the injured child. Time outs (age appropriate). Distraction techniques. Closer/helicopter caring for a while.

Good nurseries work with parents to help the situation.

They also reassure other parents that it’s in hand, explain (if necessary) that at least part of it is normal at that age (trust me when you are the mother of the biter it’s even worse than being the mother of the bitten, I’ve done both)

Making comments to other parents about the child and that child’s parents is massively unprofessional. And a setting that unprofessional are actually unlikely (imo) to be trying as hard as they make out. Especially as your child is coming home with broken skin injuries unreported (and therefore probably unseen).

One of mine went to a nursery where the only sanction was a telling off and then telling the parents. The parents weren’t there so couldn’t remove their child from the incident, praise good behaviour on the slide etc. Lots of people moved - not because of Bob, but because of the handling of Bob’s phase.

Ex Nursery Practitioner here: Other posters are correct in saying the staff are being wholly unprofessional when discussing this child.
Quite frankly the staff should be all over this child, to prevent any more un wanted behaviour.
You should definitely speak to the Nursery Manager to ask about safeguarding your child.
If you don't get the answers and actions you are looking for, then I would certainly consider moving your child.
The Nursery otherwise are failing, your child and Bob.

Please do what is best for your DD. The nursery do not seem to have it under control. Please do go through their complaints process if you do remove your DD from their care. It might help another child / parent from suffering the same.
Unfortunately I had similar situation and had to remove my DD from her nursery. In our case Bob was Brenda and DD came home one afternoon with bust lip and dress soaked in blood (she bashed herself was their response). My DD is very vocal and told me Brenda did it and how it happened. When I queried this with the nursery they told me I couldn't trust the words of my DD as she was only 2. I took her out the next week and 4 months later DD still seems to be traumatised and mentions Brenda at least once every 2 weeks. I hope things work out for you.

Thanks all, this is helpful. I wasn’t sure what the expectation should be or if I was overreacting. I’ll have a word next week, and if things don’t improve I’ll look into alternative options.