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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In thinking a one bedroom house isn't ideal when you have a child?

11 replies

Betty1064 · 19/06/2019 15:09

So my ex currently lives a 3 hour drive away from us, he left for a job when DD was 6 months old. He normally comes back once every 2/3ish weeks, although he has occasionally not been back for 10 or more weeks.

Although I have tried, he has never agreed to scheduled contact arrangements, blaming travel times, work shifts etc.

DD is now almost 8. She will reluctantly spend a few hours after school with him whenever he is back, their relationship isn't brilliant but she does enjoy spending time with him once she is coaxed out of the door. However if he is back for 5 days he will only ever want to see her once, also he doesn't have her overnight.

He has just inherited a large lump sum. With this money he has been on several trips abroad, city breaks, 2 weeks in Australia etc. He has never taken DD on holiday but sends her photos from his own. Saving things like foreign money and hotel freebies for her...

He has now bought himself a one bedroom house 40 minutes away from us, though he openly admits he could afford a two bedroom house. I am so baffled by this.

AIBU in thinking he probably has no intention of upping the amount of time he spends with DD, and overnight contact will likely never happen?

OP posts:

Finfintytint · 19/06/2019 15:17

I would say his actions are a deliberate attempt to make overnight difficult. Poor child. Having said that there’s no reason not to have a sofa bed in the sitting room to facilitate this.

Sexless30 · 19/06/2019 16:05

When my parents split and my DF moved in to a 1 bed temporarily, SS wouldn't let me stay with him because of my age (2.5).... I would expect that this would be the same here.

Agree with PP sounds like he's making it extremely difficult.

Original poster

Betty1064 · 20/06/2019 08:10

I agree with both of you.

I'm pretty sure he wants to carry on with things as they are as he knew how I'd react to a one bedroom house!

OP posts:

Amibeingdaft81 · 20/06/2019 08:11

I can’t understand why you’re the least bit surprised

swissmilk · 20/06/2019 08:13

He has acted like a selfish twat the whole time...I'm sure this will continue, what can you do?

MsTSwift · 20/06/2019 08:13

Gosh can’t imagine why you aren’t still together

Pepperama · 20/06/2019 08:16

My mum kept trying to facilitate contact with my dad who had no major interest. I always felt like I had to enjoy contact as she worked so hard to make it happen. I really didn’t - so just to say, don’t push it too hard unless you really really need it for childcare.

PregnantSea · 20/06/2019 08:19

I suspect you are right.

He's been inadequate this whole time, why would he suddenly change now?

Monsterinmypocket · 20/06/2019 08:21

If it's all you can afford, then no, you make do. I'm not sure if you're saying people who can't afford their own room for their kids are BU or if you want to know if your ex is. There are a lot of kids in the world without their own room, so a lot of unreasonable parents!

He should be able to have her stay on a sofa bed in the lounge surely?

He is most likely only going to need a two bed property for the next 5 years or so. Most teenagers aren't so keen on staying over and are usually more about seeing friends on weekends. I can understand why he wouldn't get a two bed for this reason, but he should still have her over, but only if that is what she wants. He can't use lack of space as an excuse. Has she actually expressed a wish to go on holiday and stay over? If he's asked her and she has said no, then there is not much you can do.

Original poster

Betty1064 · 20/06/2019 13:41

PregnantSea I guess I thought if all the excuses were no longer there, (the distance, work shifts etc) then he might actually make more of an effort.

Monsterinmypocket She shows no interest in spending time there and shrugs off the daft things he brings back from his trips. I think she would find a holiday after 8 years of nothing, odd to say the least.

Maybe I should just back off and see what happens. I'd hate her to feel like Pepperama did. I've never wanted her to grow up and feel I've kept her from her Dad, so have always tried to facilitate a relationship between them. Maybe this wasn't for the best after all.

OP posts:

Friedspamfritters · 20/06/2019 13:47

HE sounds like he has no interest in stepping up to be a dad. To be honest though he's been demonstrating that for the last 8 years. If I lived apart from my child I would arrange my work and travel and living arrangements in order to see them as much as possible and give them all the consistency I could. He sounds like he treats her like an old friend he catches up with once in a while when it's convenient.

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