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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend didn’t get me a birthday present

51 replies

BadBoom · 19/06/2019 03:15

I know the mumsnet stance, adults shouldn’t be bothered about birthdays. But bf of 3 months, it was my birthday yesterday, the first birthday we’ve spent together and he didn’t get me anything.

AIBU to feel a bit upset about this? I’m not bothered about getting presents really but feel a bit upset about the lack of effort. He didn’t even give me a card so it just feels like I’m not worth it to him somehow.

Do I say something to him about it and if so what to not come across as grabby? Or let it go?

OP posts:

DoctorDread · 19/06/2019 07:48

I went through this with my ExH. It didn't get better. Thoughtless and selfish. For some reason I thought it would improve! It didn't yet I still married him.

Yogurtcoveredricecake · 19/06/2019 07:53

Maybe he means hasn't got you anything sent to open on your birthday.

I'd wait to see if he brings /doesanything the end of the week and then be prepared to have the chat.

Ginger1982 · 19/06/2019 07:54

YANBU. This is meant to be the stage where you're both still trying to impress each other. Poor show on his part.

LuckyAmy1986 · 19/06/2019 07:57

Sorry but there wouldn’t be any chat from me, 3 months in?!! Gone!! Doesn’t bode well for the future

HarleyS · 19/06/2019 09:42

Maybe he'll get you something when he's back.
He's not a teen, so he'll know it's important.
Wait until he's back, too soon to be feeling disheartened.

FriarTuck · 19/06/2019 09:49

I think 3 months is too soon to be expecting a present (fine for spontaneous 'saw this and thought of you' gifts but not expectation gifts) and plenty of people now don't seem to bother sending cards - it's all done by text or FB message. He remembered your birthday after all.

Yabbers · 19/06/2019 10:13

OH is shit at birthdays. It’s great because I don’t have to think too much about his either.

Working away is pretty tough. It certainly adds stress to logistics for me.

If you’re willing to dump him over this, he’s had a lucky escape.

Original poster

BadBoom · 19/06/2019 10:49

@Yabbers I haven’t said I was going to dump him or even that I was considering dumping him over this. I said I was feeling a bit upset about the lack of effort.
I wasn’t expecting a big expensive present, we’ve only been together a short time, I would have been happy with just a card and it just feels a bit thoughtless that he didn’t even do that.

OP posts:

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 19/06/2019 12:27

I'd be upset too but I know mumsnet frown upon adult birthday fuss.
The only thing is that at 3 months in it's hard to find the right kind of card I think. It's easily misjudged: too casual, too romantic, one I love, girlfriend, too much, too little. It's a mine field.
I'm a sentimental bugger and make a fuss of birthdays and got my then bf a card of the beauty spot where we had our first kiss. I wrote my own words as it was blank.
In your case I'd wait until Friday but if o was him I'd have sent a card through the post so you had it on the actual day. But that's me, he might not do birthdays.
He might have a surprise for you on Friday or suggest going out to celebrate. If he doesn't though I'd be upset as to me it shows lack of thought and care about you and making you smile.

DianaT1969 · 19/06/2019 13:19

If everything thing else is good, you could continue seeing him, but make a point on his birthday or not getting him anything or doing anything with him. Just send a happy birthday text.
His reaction would be interesting. When is his birthday?
Some people just don't feel excited by birthdays and gifts. He might be one of those.
I could handle not being made to feel special one day a year (I'd spend it with friends & family doing things I love) if he made me feel happy all year round.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 19/06/2019 13:30

This wouldnt bother me as i would just do the same on his birthday...i find choosing gifts for people quite stressful so would be happy to just go out for a meal.

Crunchymum · 19/06/2019 13:30

If he'd seen you on the day, then no card / little bunch of flowers would be shit.

but you didn't see him and won't until your Birthday was several days ago, so on that basis I think a message is fine!

I was with my DP for a few months when it was his birthday. I did see him on the and he got a mug..... still laughs about it 12 years later (and the mug is still going strong!!)

Skittlesss · 19/06/2019 13:38

I would be upset that he didn’t even get me a card for my birthday.

Is there any chance he is fibbing to try surprise you with something when he sees you?

Me and my DH got together shortly before Christmas and decided to not give presents - we did, however, give cards. That’s nothing to go by though as we got engaged after 3 months together

Catapultaway · 19/06/2019 13:47

Being honest I would think a text message saying happy birthday is fine (but then I hate cards, find them pointless things).

Original poster

BadBoom · 19/06/2019 13:50

@DianaT1969 his birthday was actually the day after our first date, he didn’t tell me it was his birthday till we were on the date so i didn’t get him a card or anything, I’m wondering if he thought because I didn’t get him a card he won’t get me one...

I’d feel really shit if we ended up staying the year together to not get him something on his next birthday so don’t think I could do that plan, especially since the timings of being together would be so much different by then too.

I’ll see what happens Friday and if he doesn’t do anything mention how much a card would have meant to me so he’ll hopefully know for next time

OP posts:

tomatoesandstew · 19/06/2019 14:25

It's a bit soon to tell.

Did he take you on a date?
Is it the latest sign that he's not particularly interested. My DP is pretty rubbish at remembering birthdays, anniversaries etc but makes up for it in lots of other ways that show he does care. He's also completely not arsed about his own birthday.
Making romantic gestures at birthdays isn't a definite sign of anything on its own. You also can't really change someone who isn't bothered about those kind of things. If it really is that important to you then you may need to find a different boyfriend.

Happinessbegins · 19/06/2019 14:28

Is he taking you out on the weekend to celebrate? I think that’s the least he can do. Don’t settle for laziness and lack of effort even if he wasn’t around to see you.

PregnantSea · 19/06/2019 14:35

Wait until he's back. He may redeem himself. If not then I'd be a bit pissed off. I wouldn't make a massive fuss but I would be reassessing things and contemplating whether or not he was really partner material. See what happens...

Also, happy birthday

TheCatThatDanced · 19/06/2019 14:42

If he redeems himself on Friday then forgive. I'd be a bit annoyed that he forgot my birthday and couldn't be bothered to send a card or arrange some sort of gift but a few men I know (yes I know women are rubbish too) forget birthdays.

Actually I do think it's important to remember events like these even 3 months after dating as personally I think it shows how much you like the person and are thinking of them. did you mention this before though - that you were doing something for your birthday on X date etc?

Scorpvenus1 · 19/06/2019 16:15

Just cos others minimalize to feel better about crap situations don't mean you have to. He is a skeeze and you really can do better.

In that amount of time and no effort id bin him off, plenty of other guys waiting to take his place.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 19/06/2019 17:17

Totally depends on what the relationship is like. Me and my partner took things slowly, were "seeing each other" for maybe 6 months on our first Christmas and neither of us bothered. We did the following one as we were in a proper relationship by then.

If I'd been with someone just 3 months I wouldn't feel comfortable giving or receiving a birthday card or present. As a pp said everything could be viewed as too much or too little. I'd go out for a date with them but that's it. Maybe I'm mean

Yousicktwistedfruit · 19/06/2019 17:22

This happened to me we had been dating for 4 months and I got nothing for my birthday or Christmas and he got loads off me we talked about it and he got his ass in gear the following year and made sure he got me something we have been together nearly 2 years.

Peterpiperpickedwrong · 19/06/2019 17:37

I would be a bit disappointed tbh. I would feel that he didn’t feel that bothered about me on the whole.

I had been with my DH for just a couple of months when I had a birthday. I got woken up with champagne and strawberries (it was my day off) card, flowers and presents.
I honestly wasn’t expecting any of it, well maybe a card and possibly a small bunch of flowers I suppose, but he was like a big kid, so excited to treat me.

TanyaChix · 19/06/2019 21:40

I’d be miffed too. A card is very affordable but still shows thought. It’s really an absolutely basic gesture so you shouldn’t feel like you’re asking for something unreasonable! The potential problem with someone who can’t make a basic effort for his girlfriend’s birthday is that he might be lazy about birthdays and anniversaries down the line too. There are enough upset people on here to show how hurtful it can be when your DP can’t be arsed to make you feel special. If you’re comfortable enough to tell him that you feel a bit down, you could see how he responds.

Ontheboardwalk · 19/06/2019 21:46

Another one to say what happens Friday and tell us obviously

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