Holding a grudge

[Moggy72]

DH got offered a big promotion which involved us moving to Asia. Whilst it seemed like a great career opportunity and also an adventure for the family - I wasn’t too keen. DS16 is just starting A levels - and studying at one of the best grammar schools in the UK. I have a business that I run and also lots of family in the UK. We decided on a compromise which involved the family coming out during school holidays. (I would work remotely during that time and we decided it would be less disruptive for the kids. DH’s company said the family needed to be in the same country as it wouldn’t work (it was a 3 year posting). So DH reluctantly turned the promotion down. DH has been angry and bitter - thinks the decision is career limiting and that I never wanted to move anyway. We’ve been arguing constantly - or he’s been giving me the silent treatment (he does this quite a lot when we have disagreements). I’m really upset and the kids have found it stressful. AIBU ?

YANBU. It's a family, not a dictatorship. I doubt your children would have wanted to move, despite the great opportunities they would have had there. And you clearly didn't want to go. You tried to reach a compromise and it didn't work out. He needs to let it go and move on.

How many women on here would sulk and strop, after making the decision to turn down a job opportunity that didn't gel with the family's needs? He needs to grow up

He is obviously disappointed, but he needs to get over it and stop blaming you. It would be crazy to disrupt your DS' education at this point and the solution you came up with wasn't acceptable to his company, neither of those things can be controlled by you. He is probably used to getting what he wants so struggles to accept he can't have it this time (a downside of dealing with a man with a successful career) but that's life. I think you need to be pretty direct and tell him that sulking is never a good look, it's impacting the kids and you won't put up with it much longer.

It’s the company he should be angry with. It is only him employed so how can they insist you all move if as a family you where happy to work it that way?

Is he used to getting his way with you?

I can understand being disappointed, but that doesn't give him the right to use you as his emotional punching bag. Sometimes dreams or opportunities get thwarted by life, that's just how it goes and not really anybody's fault. He can and should grieve the loss, but not like this. He needs to find a healthy way to deal with his feelings that doesn't involve hurting and punishing his family.

How would he react if you said that?

It sounds like it was an exciting opportunity so naturally, he is disappointed. But that doesn't give him the excuse to take it out on you and the rest of the family.

And, frankly, I think it was a big ask to even get you all to consider it. Why should his career mean that the entire family has to up and change their whole lives in such a drastic way?

Have you tried asking him why he thinks his career is more important than your business? Your family ties? Your children's excellent schooling? The lives you all have here in the UK?

Thanks all. I understand he is disappointed. And I expect it will take him a bit of time to get over it. But he’s saying that I didn’t want to go in the first place and wasn’t supportive - which causes him to question my loyalty to him.

But he’s saying that I didn’t want to go in the first place and wasn’t supportive - which causes him to question my loyalty to him.

So unsupportive that you came up with a solution that would have worked for the entire family - not just him - and even went so far as to gain agreement to work remotely for periods of time to make that solution a reality?

By his logic, the only way he would have considered you "supportive" and "loyal" was if you'd disrupted critical years of your child's education, jacked in your own career, and uprooted yourself from all your support networks.

That you even considered doing any of those things for him is more than most would do. Frankly, very few would want to do that, and you had every right not to want to do something that would have had a detrimental impact on everyone in the family except your husband!

So who's the unsupportive one here?

Sorry, but he's just mis-using "loyalty" as a synonym for "obedience" to manipulate and blame you for something that wasn't your fault. He's upset because you didn't obey him, not because you didn't support him. And that is not okay.

Sorry, but he's just mis-using "loyalty" as a synonym for "obedience" to manipulate and blame you for something that wasn't your fault.

This.

It smacks of him believing he is the most important person in the family and his wishes ought to take precedence. That he was even willing to uproot everyone is pretty telling - especially when your eldest is about to start A Levels.

What's he like normally?

His idea of "supportive" seems to be you doing exactly what he wants, putting his wants and needs ahead of the family as a whole. He needs to grow up.

It's fine to be disappointed for a time, but to continually punish you with the silent treatment and to blame you individually for the fact that this promotion did not work for the whole family is completely out of order.

Plenty of women wouldn't even entertain the idea of moving to a different continent for their DH's job, you were extremely supportive to give it serious consideration and to arrive at a compromise. The fact that it did not work out is not your fault and he needs to grow up and accept that being part of a family means sometimes you have to make sacrifices.

Thanks all. He’s very supportive of my business and has always been supportive of my career. That said he’s known for moodiness and dishing out the silent treatment. So his reaction is unfair - but I’m
also getting tired of his approach. When he starts dishing out accusations about my loyalty it’s properly wound me up - as I think I’ve been massively loyal to put up with his attitude over the years. Hope that makes sense.

I don't get this bit DH’s company said the family needed to be in the same country as it wouldn’t work (it was a 3 year posting) . Ive worked for one of he worlds largest multinational organisations and no one has ever given a shit if the wife and kids stayed back in blighty , and came out for holidays only. I think that's an odd reason given by the company

@myopinionsvalid - I think it’s based on prior experience - someone takes the role - leaves family back home - after a year they say it’s bad for family life - and then throw in the towel.

That said he’s known for moodiness and dishing out the silent treatment.

Even with you saying he's supported your career (how?) this still bothers me and bothered me when you made reference to it before.

Whether or not it fits into a wider pattern of controlling behaviour (because it's a very, very common control tactic in men engaging in abusive behaviours) it's just not healthy in a relationship and not how you treat people you love and respect.

It just isn't how you should have to live. It sure as hell isn't what everyone else is putting up with.

Incidentally, uprooting their partner to a foreign country away from their support networks and own source of income is another favourite amongst coercive controllers.

I'm guessing you've tried without success to address this behaviour with him in the past?

@oneforthepain - I genuinely don’t think the work move was a controlling situation.
I’ve not been successful in addressing his moodiness / silent treatment before. I usually resort to ignoring him myself and so we end up in a stalemate. Any tips on how to address it?

I can understand his company not agreeing to the posting if the family would not be accompanying him as it costs a lot to set up an overseas assignment and they wouldn't want it to fail. The costs of all the flights back and forth for the school holidays would have mounted up too.

Personally I don't think the school holiday idea would have worked anyway if your DS is doing A levels as he would have had a lot of work to complete during the holidays and who wants to study while on an overseas trip?

You should tell your DH that he needs to get over losing the promotion otherwise he risks losing his family too.

Moving to a Asia is a very reasonable thing to not want to do.

YANBU!

Your husband needs to be pissed off at his company, not you.

If he was offered the promotion then turning him down because his family isn't coming too is effectively discrimination. He is being discriminated against under the protected characteristic of "marriage and civil partnership" because if he had been a single man he would not have been turned down for the role.

Now I can't imagine he's going to want to pursue anything as I'm sure he'll happily just carry on being annoyed at you but he is literally being discriminated against by his employer!

Also..... There's no way I'd be moving to Asia and you were bloody generous offering holidays. I wouldn't do it and at 16 I wouod have hated being away from all my mates--total fomo.

The decision has probably adversely affected his career.

But you feel you are right in what you have decided; maybe one day he will agree.

At the moment it's the big sulk.

He'll get over it. Or leave you.

YANBU.
My husband was offered a role in China (we had no dc at the time) and I half wanted to go but deep down did not but I didn’t want him to resent me for not going so I went. And I hated it. I would cry every time the plane took off from London. I think it was more that I had given up my career and had no real life there (where as his office was very social and inclusive so he had work and friends) which made it so hard. I resented him massively for not saying we would come home and it was very difficult for us to move past it (especially as I had only gone so he wouldn’t resent me and it didn’t even occur to him that I might resent him iyswim).

Silent treatment is awful, my husband knows that I would leave him for good if he tried that form of control - it is awful for children to be around as well as the damage to your own relationship over time.

@SmallPinkBear - that sounds tough. I actually moved to the US with him a few years ago before we had kids. I like it but found settling very very difficult and missed my family terribly. Eventually I initiated my work transfer back to the UK. He wasn’t keen on the UK move bit did it to keep
me happy. I think that’s another reason for my reluctance - been there done that.

So you already uprooted yourself once for him before? You hardly made a rash decision this time then.

Stupid question perhaps, but have you explicitly told him the silent treatment is unacceptable and you won't accept being treated that way anymore?

The two of you need to find better ways to communicate, but that will require him to want to address his own behaviour. It's not something you can make happen all on your own. Do you think he will?

Posting again. Have had a really shitty 6 months. DH been moody, snappy and sometimes abusive. Have been seeing a counsellor to help me get through it. But am just really struggling. I’m financially independent but feel completely lost as to what to do. Have a DS16 and DD twins that are 9. It’s been a crappy home environment. The younger ones keep asking if we are getting divorced.

You're having counselling so you can live with abuse?

You need to end your marriage.