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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my ex is treating his step children better than his own child?

28 replies

DaisyYellow · 18/06/2019 20:30

The only holiday my ex has ever taken our daughter on was a trip to Spain. Last year he went on a UK break with his girlfriend and her children and this year he is going back to Spain with them. Our daughter wasn’t invited to either holiday. The stepchildren are mid teens, my daughter is late teens. I think my daughter is hurt that he seems to be more invested and thoughtful when it comes to them. AIBU and WWYD?

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 18/06/2019 20:32

Unfortunately it's often the way. Not a lot you can do tbh.

ColaFreezePop · 18/06/2019 20:33

How do you know your ex is paying for his step-children? Do you have access to his bank and credit card statements?

Snappedandfarted2019 · 18/06/2019 20:34

Does she holiday with you? Could you mention it to her DF? Seems odd she went on the first holiday and not the other holidays

Ilovetolurk · 18/06/2019 20:36

Where does OP say her ex is paying for the SC?

On the other hand it would be nice if could pay to take his own child on holiday

YANBU OP

minisoksmakehardwork · 18/06/2019 20:36

If she's late teens I'm assuming 17/18/19, so practically an adult and maybe that's why? He doesn't think she will want to go (plus they'd have to pay as an extra adult).

Unfortunately either she will have to ask why she's not invited (is step mum paying for the whole holiday and he's not even paying his own way therefore cannot ask for his daughter to go), let it go and assume he's a feckless father who has replaced her in his affections or ignore it and broach for the next holiday.

Iamnotagoddess · 18/06/2019 20:37

My ex was like this, took his step daughter to his home country but never even offered to take the kids apart from the year DD did her GCSEs and he wanted to take her out of school over Xmas Hmm.

The kids rarely see him these days, now they are adults.

PerfectPeony2 · 18/06/2019 20:39

My Dad had two kids with his second wife.

We had two UK breaks with him in our whole life. They had at least 2 holidays a year. I remember commenting once that my sisters looked tanned- to be told they’d just come back from Dominican Republic. It hurt.

I guess you just have to be there to support your daughter through it- maybe you could have a chat to her Dad?

Spanglyprincess1 · 18/06/2019 20:40

I'm a step mom and me dp and bbay have been away but it was in school time. We take. All the kids in school holiday once a year and us three during school time when we don't have kids eg we'd to. Monday as contacts in Tuesday night.
You have no idea if he's paying for the holiday or just tagging along. Ask him if it is bothering you

Iamnotagoddess · 18/06/2019 20:41

Also, we take DHs children away every year.

inkydinky · 18/06/2019 20:44

It’s entirely possible the new partner is paying for your ex. But you’d think he’d find the money for your DD to join them or perhaps not go himself to spare her feelings. My ex does the same as yours, including “once in a lifetime” trips and doesn’t recognise (or care) that his own DC are very hurt by it. He does always bring them a gift though, and shows them the photos Hmm He’s a dick. As is yours. I’m sorry for your DD but I don’t think there’s anything you can do here. He’d have to be brain dead to not realise it’s a shitty thing to do. The only conclusion must be he knows but doesn’t care, so saying anything would be futile.

Original poster
DaisyYellow · 18/06/2019 20:44

Obviously I don’t have access to his bank or credit card statements! I’m going to assume that was a way of asking how I know he is paying for them? I only know what my daughter tells me, which is that he is paying for them in terms of household bills etc.

The last (and only) holiday they went on was before the girlfriend and stepchildren came into the picture. I can’t afford to take her on holiday.

OP posts:
LetsPlayDarts · 18/06/2019 20:44

What are the ages of all of the kids? Your post is vague regarding that.

You say your DD is late teens...my parents stopped taking me away when I was 16/17.

If his step DC are younger than this then they should go.

I guess what I'm saying is if your DD is an adult then I dont see a problem with it.

Littleduckeggblue · 18/06/2019 20:47

How old is your dad? Does she work?

PerfectPeony2 · 18/06/2019 20:48

Does it matter who’s paying for it though?

Just because the stepkids are 15/16 doesn’t mean an 18 year old shouldn’t be considered just because she’s an ‘adult’.

Her Dad is being completely thoughtless.

Littleduckeggblue · 18/06/2019 20:48

Dd not Dad haha

Original poster
DaisyYellow · 18/06/2019 20:52

I don’t want to say the ages in case it is outing. Although my daughter is possibly on the old side for going away with her dad, she would really have appreciate being asked to go. If he had taken our daughter on holiday lots as a child, I think it would be ok for him to not include her, but given that is not the case I personally think an invite would have been nice. They’re all teenagers, so it’s not like there is a massive age difference to overcome.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaisyYellow · 18/06/2019 20:53

Her dad is working and earning a fairly good wage.

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 18/06/2019 20:56

If he doesn’t consider her feelings, you should be encouraging your daughter not to waste brain cells to be considerate over his feelings. As she’s older she can stop seeing him altogether. Let him then waste his time with kids who already have a dad and probably don’t consider him a parent (hence the frequent holidays; he’s probably trying to buy affections).

Livelovebehappy · 18/06/2019 21:07

we had a few SMs on MN at the weekend berating the fact that their DSC hadn’t sent their DFs a father’s day card. This post goes some way to give at least one reason why.

Original poster
DaisyYellow · 18/06/2019 21:12

I always remind my daughter about Father’s Day (he got a bottle this year) and his birthday, but she’s basically asked me why she should bother when he doesn’t. I don’t want her to stop seeing her dad, I want their relationship to work, but I feel she’s got a point, not that I’ve said that to her.

OP posts:
cocomelon23 · 18/06/2019 21:15

Is she not too old to be going on family holidays?

Spanglyprincess1 · 18/06/2019 21:16

OK is a holiday not bothering? Does he remember her birthday, have regular contact, take an interest in her schooling and hobbies. Does he care about and worry about her.
A holiday alone doesn't make someone a bad father, again if you and her are that bothered speak to him. About it

Pinkmouse6 · 18/06/2019 21:17

My ex is the same. His GF has two children, they have been on multiple holidays with them but our DC are never invited. Our DC also can’t stay over night at his house because he doesn’t have space for them or beds for them. He’s never taken his own children to school but takes her DC to school.

Terrible, nothing I can do. All I can do is be the best parent I can be for them.

Original poster
DaisyYellow · 18/06/2019 21:25

The MIL was invited on the UK break, though she didn’t go in the end, so it seems they’re open to asking other adults along on holidays. Admittedly, this was almost certainly just the girlfriend’s idea, but if she can ask her mother, why can’t he ask his daughter?

He forgot to get her anything for her last birthday, so the problem isn’t just the holiday situation. I think the fact that they’re going to the same place that he took our daughter for their only holiday makes it seem worse for some reason. Like it was the one special thing he did for her and he’s doing it again, but without her.

OP posts:
Booboooo · 18/06/2019 21:31

Hes a fucking dick. And shes no better

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