to be using my surname...

[bubblesyousay]

...instead of my abusive ex partners as my son's surname?

I left when my son was 4 months. He's now 8 months and his dad is taking me to court. I can't bring myself to even say my exes surname. He makes me feel physically sick. I have a non molestation order against him.

I'm a mess basically.

AIBU to do this?

I suggested using mine and his surname double barrelled but it didn't go down well. I was gutted but didn't argue as he's so scary. I just went with what he wanted. He has my dads middle name which I had to bargain for. He only let me have my dads middle name if he could pick the first name. I had very little say in the matter.

YANBU. What's he taking you to court for?

@pinkyredrose he wants to see his son. I've stopped him seeing him due to his abuse and the injunction which says he can't come within 100 metres of my residence.

I had a thread a while back about how he cancelled my son's medical appointment. I'm slowly gathering strength to protect my boy.

Absolutely not.

No idea about the legal position, but in your situation I'd do exactly the same thing.

Well done for getting free!

I want to change it officially but I don't think legally I can and not expecting the courts to allow me to either... I'm worried my son will be confused by it as he gets older.

If he's named as dad on the birth certificate, then you'll need his consent to change the surname.

You can cross apply on his application to the Court for a Specific Issue Order for permission to change the name. The Courts don't like going it though, but given the history it may be worth a shot. Double barrell may be more likely.

You can use an informal "known as" name, but if you don't get permission then surname will have to stay as it is on official documents.

I'm not changing it on official documents. I'm just using it because I can't bring myself to write my exes name.

So basically the ex bullied you into using his surname? I'd definitely tell the courts this. With all the other abuse you may find they're willing to make a court order to change your baby's name, they do sometimes do this in extreme cases (which it sounds like yours is).

@pinkyredrose I have no proof of it. I didn't even want the name my son has now, but I wouldn't change his first name. I feel like such a fool but I'm scared to try and change it simply because if they don't agree, my ex will take great pleasure in that and will use it to further be abusive.

Well there's already an injunction against him let alone all the other stuff. I'd seriously consider changing your baby's entire name (maybe yours too) and moving away.

A relationship with his father sounds like the worst thing for him, the ex is an extremely abusive man.

How could he use a name change against you? You need to use the courts any way you can to keep yourself and your child safe.

@pinkyredrose I've already moved away so that's that bit sorted. I'm about 185 miles from him now.

Phew so glad to hear that!! Definitely keep using your name and honestly i would ask the courts to order an official name change i really would.

Use the surname.

When you are a bit further down the road with all this, and you have the strength, you can make an application to court to have the name double-barreled, and it's pretty likely you'd get your way with it. If you wanted to remove your ex's surname that would be another thing, but double barrel gives equal weight to both, so it's a fair thing to ask. Put that alongside the records of abuse (I remember your thread about him cancelling the hospital appointment) and the fact that by the time you do go to court the other surname will be his 'known as' name which you have used for your own protection and really, you'll probably get permission to double barrel.

Your son is so tiny that I would think of adding another first name that you want, too. He doesn't know his name yet so if you want the name YOU want, add it, start calling him it. Look into getting it added officially down the line.

Look into whether you can amend the birth certificate without his permission when it comes to a first name - before the baby is a year old, a birth certificate can be changed without too much fuss, and I think adding first names isn't such a big deal as changing the surname. You may find that you can simply add another first name with just your say-so.

And I'd fight like blazes to keep him away from your child. The cancelling the appointment is so awful, absolute proof that he does not have your baby's best interests at heart.

The good thing is is that a man like this, who clearly doesn't give a shit about the child except as something he sees as 'his', will eventually give up if you make it difficult enough, or when his attention goes elsewhere. He sounds horrendous.

I'm so glad my son is oblivious. I feel so sorry for him. He's so lovely. The idea of him carrying his exes surname is gutting.

What if the two surnames sound ridiculous double barrelled (that almost rhyme)?

Oh and yes if you ARE going to start using a different set of names, do so now - because right now, you have an absolutely valid reason for doing so - you have a restraining order, he's shown damaging behaviour to the baby, you can argue that you didn't feel safe using the names on the birth certificate and wished to remain anonymous.

Then later on by the time you take this to court, the fact that the names are established and your son knows himself as X X will add weight to your side of the argument.

If it ever gets to that though... honestly, men like this generally finally lose interest, especially if you are a long way away.

How long would you wait to take it to court? He's signed up at nursery under my name.

That wouldn't end up mattering, you're going to use your surname, not the double barrel. If it ends up as DB on an amended birth cert, doesn't mean you or he ever has to use it.

Do you have a solicitor?

Get one, and get in touch with women's aid.

Take their advice and take the whole thing as a package. If you're disputing access, sol may advise that you simply use your surname/change baby's name where you are for safety reasons but leave the court argument for that until much later. For example, he may eventually disappear in which case you could wait for a bit then apply to change officically in his absence -which would be much easier.

Right now it's about control for him, so he would fight it all the way. But that could all change when he realises that while he may get access, if he does, then what he's 'won' is a lot of hassle, travel, and proving himself... all to see a baby he doesn't know and doesn't really give a shit about in reality (only as an idea, as 'My Boy').

Find out if you can amend the BC just on your own to add the first name you'd choose between his first name and your Dad's name.

Thanks for all the advice.

To be honest I don't want to change his first name now. It wasn't what I wanted, but now he's had it for 8 months it's who he is. His sister knows him as this and I have grown to know him as this person. I know it's not what I chose but it's the surname that bothers me.

My ex is going to fight me like mad in court. I know that. He's stubborn and aggressive and I'm scared of him.

I don't have a solicitor as I can't afford one just yet and can't apply for legal aid until I have court paperwork.

Why is he taking you to court?
I remember your last thread, he’s awful and evil KOKO.

@7yo7yo he wants to see his son.

Don't panic.

Apply for the legal aid, keep him well away in the meantime.

Gather evidence like mad. You've got proof of his cancelling the appointment I hope. Then - health visitor, GP, get in touch with women's aid, work on your statement of his abuse of you.

The appointment thing is really important - he put your tiny son's health at risk. You argue til you're blue in the face that he's not interested in your child or his welfare.

@FizzyGreenWater thank you for your motivation and kind words of support. I feel stronger after reading your last post 🙏