About this behaviour to a very sick person

[user87382294757]

DNiece is sadly very ill. She has terminal cancer. (had cancer since a baby and it has returned and is now terminal and spread to the lung) She's on some tablets and feeling tired and unwell. The family is trying to come to terms with it, supporting her etc.

However her sister is bossing her around. Stropping with her. It is upsetting, as DNeice just does whatever it is she is told to do. Get her the sauce...when her sister is perfectly capable of doing it herself. and is well, not tired etc.

No-one says anything. I think the parents should show DNiece how to assert herself and say 'no'. (DNiece has learning difficulties as a result of the cancer treatment as a child) or her sister to back off.

AIBU?

No, you’re definitely not being unreasonable! No child should be encouraged to ask others to do things they can do themselves, and to be bossing her ill sister around... that’s truly awful. She’ll regret her behaviour in years to come.

I’m so sorry OP

How old are they? No she shouldn't be bossing her around, and your niece should learnt say no but how is she coping with the fact that her sister is dying?

YANBU

But it could be because if her sister was always being nice to her it would be accepting that she is terminally ill. Perhaps by acting rudely she is trying to pretend that things are still "normal". It must be very difficult for the whole family, sister included.

How old are they? I think you have to be sensitive to the fact that the bossy one has a lot to deal with as well. It's unpleasant to see but siblings aren't always nice to each other and that's normal - that dynamic doesn't vanish because one has a terminal disease.

They are mid twenties. Yes I understand, it is hard for all. It is not fair to take it out on the ill sister though either and does not seem to be improving with time. It is over a year since the terminal diagnosis.

Is she taking it out on her?
If th ill girl is distressed obviously something needs to be said.
If not, I think other sister is deep in denial and will get her head round It eventually.
Ill sister might even appreciate 1 person not tiptoeing around her.
I would be very careful about saying something. Everyone's feelings at times Like these are brittle and you too may cause lasting damage.
As long as ill girl doesnt mind, i dont think you should either.

I think she does mind- she ran off to her grandparents the other day while on a shopping trip with her sister - for some peace. But then, she did do that (escape) so guess that is something. Yes I will not say anything.

I would say something to the parents and make them deal with it. A terminally ill person should not be doing someone else's fetching and carrying.

If the parents are refusing to do anything about it, I think you need to have a very clear, direct conversation with the sister and tell her to cut it out.

Didn't expect them to be adults. Older sister should know better :(

Yes the ill sister is like a child / younger person really but the other sister is not. It is hard to bring it up. No-one seems to talk about anything- i think they all need counselling really.

I think they all need counselling really.

Perhaps this is how you could frame it then? You could say something like “have you considered getting counselling? It could help you resolve all sorts of things like how the sister is treating her, help you all with grief etc” like it is a totally obvious thing that they have all seen.

This is heartbreaking. I’m guessing the bossy sister is in denial or just doesn’t know how to deal with the situation.

Just to say how sorry I am for you all

I fully expected the sisters to be children. Under the age of 11, too. Mid twenties? That's crazy behaviour from the well sister.

I'm sorry about your niece's diagnosis. And I don't blame her for running away. She's dying and being taken advantage of.

Nasty bitch.

She’s a grown woman, not a child! I don’t think I could hold my tongue, tbh.

Ill children are often infantilised and spoiled (even when they grow up to be healthy), and this often does impact their healthier siblings and them. It makes them difficult as adults and less resilient: you are actually encouraged to treat terminally ill people normally.

The truth of the matter is as an aunt you only see a small snapshot of their lives and have no idea what the full picture is. You think you do because you feel sad about it but the truth is that unless your child is terminally ill you don’t have a clue how they feel. Don’t say a word or it will cause resentments in the future.

Yanbu. What a horrible tragic situation. But it does sound like the older sister is in denial and they need to address it with counselling.
From personal experience once someone has passed away the guilt could really hit the older sister

The well sister is away at college most of the time so it is not going on so much but worse when at home. It is also common at e.g. family meals I notice and no-one says anything.

No, the ill sister is not difficult- in fact she is very quiet and un-demanding. I mean she needs some support though generally due to the level of cognitive problems from the cancer treatment (radiation to the brain as a baby) but that isn't anything she can help. Yes it is very difficult to see, and as someone not directly within the family i is not easy.