AIBU to want to help?

[Goodlookingcreature]

Apologies for the length of this. I have recently had to move in with my friend, after leaving a dangerous and abusive relationship. She has been so good to me letting me stay with her. But I’m quite worried about her, and her children.

I want to start by saying she’s a great mom, her kids adore her, she loves them, they’re never hungry or neglected but she seems to be struggling and not even struggling in a way that she would recognize.

I spoke to her sister a couple weeks back about some of my worries and she confirmed what I was saying had been on her mind too. Apparently she is of the opinion she may be on the ASD spectrum. If she is, she’s high functioning. But, she’s completely unmotivated. The kids will not be dressed or washed during the day, often going to bed in the same pjs or clothes they wore the day before and slept in the night before. They eat most horrifically, all fast frozen food. At the start I tried encouraging the oldest (5) to try new things and that went quite well and he would try things but she would say “oh, you won’t like that” or “it’s ok you don’t have to eat that if you don’t want to” and would still reward him with a treat afterwards. A typical day for him would be something like
Breakfast

• chocolate shells (11am)

Lunch

• white bread and butter
• crackers and butter (1pm)

Dinner

• sausage (2) and fries
• sausage and waffles
• chicken goujons and fries/waffles (6pm)

Usually an entire pack of jellies or chocolate as a treat

Tea

• two slices of chocolate bread
• crackers
• chocolate milk
• jellies (8pm)

There would be biscuits and treats given throughout the day as they’re asked for.

She sleeps a lot, and is hard to wake up. About a month ago, her oldest was vomiting during the night. I woke up and went in to him, brought him to the rest room and went to get her. I couldn’t wake her. I stripped his bed dumping the sheets into the bath, changed him and put him in next to me. We were both up and down during the night, while she slept soundly through it.

The kids are up at approx 7.30 and are expected to watch tv and play until it’s time for mommy to wake up, (9.30/10am) the youngest is only 2, and he wrecks the place while he’s unsupervised, he’s a climber but she doesn’t seem concerned.

5 yr old isn’t potty trained for night time and is still in pull up pants. Doing so is not on the agenda for the foreseeable either. He goes to bed with a bottle of juice he can sip on.

The bed that I stripped has not been remade since. He is approx a month sleeping on matteress and bare comforter, and bare pillows.

The oldest is always late for school because she isn’t up in time to dress him or take him to school. She sits on the couch or on the computer planning her second wedding to a guy she’s been with 9 months while her kids are in front of screens. There are no walks, no park trips, no playing outside.

At the start I tried to help her out, I would get up with them, I’d get them dressed, on my days off I’d walk him to school and pick him up. I bought healthy novelty shaped food to encourage them to try new things but the more I did the more I was expected to do and the less she did too so I don’t think it was helping her in the long term.

She’s totally consumed with this new relationship, he’s calling her kids his sons but it doesn’t go beyond words, he doesn’t do anything with them he doesn’t support them he doesn’t even live with them. She’s manically planning a new baby, a wedding, a honeymoon with him, and is living for this.

The whole situation is dysfunctional and I’m super stressed. One thing on its own wouldn’t worry me but it’s everything together and I worry for the children and also for her because if she rushes into another pregnancy and wedding, she’ll be alone then with 3 kids to cope with when she’s barely coping with 2. Not waking during the night while they vomit.

Please be kind. And any suggestions on how I can help that isn’t giving her more time to do less, I’d really appreciate.

That sounds difficult, does she have parents you could talk to, to see if this is new or if its always been this way? It sounds like she needs some support from an outside agency, I am not in the UK and so dont know how you would access that, maybe through the eldest’s school. If the child is turning up late and unwashed, maybe they are already concerned and you can talk to them to add to the picture they have.

Yes I’ve spoken to her parents. Her mom just babies her and her sister told me her mom suspects my friend is on the spectrum but understands also that my friend is “lazy” and that’s just how she is.

Her dad is very stressed, he’s called her a lazy cow and thinks she expects everyone else to raise the children she had, he doesn’t think she’ll ever change and he’s sick of being the bad guy if he says anything so he is happy enough to let her continue and to lie in the bed she’s made for herself

Goodlookingcreature - it's so good of you to help the children and try to help your friend in the ways that you have. Have you spoken to her directly? Did you tell her that her child vomited in the night and you tried to wake her? If so, what was her reaction?

How old is your friend and is there any involvement from the father? Could you talk to him perhaps if they have a good co-parenting relationship?

This is pretty serious neglect, pure and simple. Additionally she sounds vulnerable to this man (or whatever man she has her heart set on) and therefore makes the two kids even more vulnerable.

I think you need to report to social services. She needs support. I’d hope the kids wouldn’t be taken from her (unless there’s substance abuse? Why the hell could she not be woken?) because going into the system is not a good outcome either.

Just wanted to add that I'm also sorry about your own situation. It sounds like you are also going through a very tough time. To think of others whilst you have your own issues is so lovely.

How can you say she's a great mum and doesn't neglect her kids? That's laughable.
Those poor kids.
Imagine being so lazy she can't even be bothered to make up her kids bed.

She's not a great mum at all. This is neglect.

I made it as far as 'bare pillows' and couldn't read any more

I'd do what I could, possibly reporting the neglect to the authorities.

Like HarryHenderson, I too wondered about your description of your friend being a great mum and not neglecting her children. She sounds neglectful to me (though don't doubt she loves the kids), however I think she is severely depressed and needs professional help.

to you for being a good friend.

You say you're abroad, but how can we help when we haven’t got a clue about any of the legislation or public services in your country?

If it were the UK, other than school attendance, not a lot of that would flag up with SS - they are fed, warm, loved, not physically or mentally abused, emotional needs being met. You seem to be placing a large part of your post on the diet - none of what you have listed is illegal or a banned substance. No, it's not ideal but ??

What flags up for me is her erratic sleep patterns - do you have the equivalent of a HV? What do school say/do about attendance?

Already this forum is joining in the lynching for 'lazy' when it's glaringly obvious its a MH issue or part of her (undiagnosed) ASD creating obsessive behaviours. Two small kids, dysfunctional sleep patterns, obsessive behaviours. I’m amazed the armchair psychologists haven’t got this buttoned down .

I didn’t say I was abroad?
I don’t think she is neglectful, I think she is ill. She doesn’t see anything wrong with how she does things and gently broaching the subject (or indeed any subject she doesn’t like) results in a huge meltdown. She can’t cope with anyone disagreeing with her, even light hearted

Oh trust me social services would be interested in this don’t listen to PP

Who feeds the 2 years old in the morning or change their nappies? Do they have to wait till 10 am to be fed and changed? She’s not lazy. She’s neglectful. Heartbreaking for what the kids are going through and none of the adults involved are fighting for them. They should be removed from her. The food is minor compared to the other stuff.

And to answer your question - if you really want to help then call social services. Perhaps that would push her to get help if she’s unable to look after the kids. Imagine the kids being sick at night and she’s not even waking up. How frightened those kids must feel.

Oh this is so sad to read.
I think I would try and find out who the local health visitor is and give the info and ask that they look into things without letting on. They may visit and refer to social services or arrange for some support for your friend. Or if any are at preschool maybe make a call to them?

She is neglecting the children, they are not fed nutritionally, they are not given the opportunity for outside play, social interaction... They are not clean if she doesn't bath them, change their clothes. The not waking is dangerous, what if the child had choked on its vomit, or one of them were hurt in the night?? Is she taking something to make her sleep deeply?

You sound like a lovely person and friend, but don't be afraid to advocate for these kids as you may be the only one who will.

She may be ill and in need of support but this is Neglect and should be addressed. A referral should be made to Social Services.

Regardless of whether she is ill and whether it is unintentional, this is neglectful and I would be contacting social care. If you hadn’t been up with her kid what would have happened? And an unsupervised 2 year old? So much potential for something awful to happen.

Hi OP. I am a SW and can say quite categorically that your friend is neglecting her children. She may be ill and that is why she is being neglectful, but neglectful she is. She is not meeting the very basic needs of her children. I would suggest a referral to SS so they can assess the situation and put supports in place.