To ask how you forget bad stuff you see?

[erasemybrain]

So, I'm in a job where we see pretty horrible stuff on a regular basis. Usually it's like water off a ducks back and I've been doing it a long time. Saw something horrible and can't get the image out of my head. It's surprised me a bit that I feel so bad and don't really want to talk to friends and family because I don't want them to make them feel bad. So can you tell me what you do to forget stuff/ how you deal with this?

By talking about it.

Maybe if you talked about it here it might help you to share IRL. IRL is better.

Have you got a support/unwinding service in your line of work?

Maybe some time off to just step away might help. Sometimes even when desensitised, things still have the power to impact on you. You're human.

Im so sorry that sounds awful. All I can say is I would probably, if it is death-related, tell myself that the person is not in pain anymore?
Or maybe Im way off in my thinking?

Sometimes only the passing of time will help. Is there no support available in your job with this problem?

OP write it down all of it..get your feelings out on paper then read it and bin it....it works and is very cathartic.

I've heard of people binning the clothes they were wearing when it happened - sounds bonkers but apparently it helps.

Yes there is support but I guess I'm trying to be a hero! I'm ok with the actual thing that happened, it didn't happen to me. I'm lucky. It's not my tragedy etc. I'm usually quite good at that. It's just one image in my head that is not how I imagined it.

It's hard to describe without telling you and I don't want you to know either! I would normally talk to DM or DH but it's a bit close to home at the moment. I could talk to colleagues who were there but that would involve admitting feeling bad. It's a male dominated world and I've worked hard to be equal and it would feel like a step backwards 😖

I find I just need to get it out of me somehow. Usually that involves talking to myself and having a good cry. I find doing all this in the bath is best because it feels like I leave it all there. I'm terrible for packaging things away in my brain (I'm actually pretty good at it), but eventually it all bubbles up and has to come out somehow.

I spent 30 years seeing/ dealing with horrible stuff/ deaths etc. It does get to you and I changed careers. It still bothers me and I sometimes think I may have some kind of ptsd. I think talking about it / de-briefing/ clinical supervision is important. We never really got it properly and ended up with lots of guilt etc which isn't healthy. In my new job I still deal with a lot of raw emotions and people in distress but it's not the same as before and we actually have better supervision !

I think you should engage with the debriefing available at work. It's not a weakness to admit something has affected you

I’ve been known to talk out loud to myself about stuff.
Your colleagues? Does your work not offer you some sort of counselling service if not?
I’m lucky, DH is in the same job as me, my friend works for the NHS front line and my mum used to so they “get it”. The worst thing I’ve seen which I will not repeat here I would never tell a non-emergency services person about. TBH they don’t need to know that such dreadful things happen. However a professional will be trained to listen to such things. You definitely need to get it out of your system.

erase I work in a very male dominated area (I’m the only female on my group) but don’t be fooled into thinking they aren’t affected too. I have been to horrible situations and discussed it with my male colleagues and they generally feel the same as me and are probably less likely to show it has affected them as they see that as a failing!

I have no answer for you, I go to the gym or get drunk when I’ve had a really bad shift.

I've had counseling for PTSD. Basically you need to process what you've experienced. The best way to do that is to talk about it.

If you can't talk about it with family, can you discuss it with colleagues? You can also call The Samaritans.

What not to do : try and forget about it. It may work in the short term but in the long term it will come back again and again until you allow it to be processed and filed correctly in your memories.

Think of the brain like a filing cabinet. Most recent memories at the front, old memories at the back. New memories take the front spot every day, some are quickly filed away and forgotten, others are quickly filed away and can be picked out at will (happy memories for example) but sometimes the troubling things stay right at the front and take a little longer to get filed away.

Every time you talk it through you process that memory and allow it to be filed correctly.

If talking it through doesn't help and if after 6 weeks of the initial incident you're still suffering, you would be wise to seek some professional input. You can do this through work (if you're police, paramedic or similar) or you can speak to your Gp who will refer you. Some areas you can refer yourself. See if you have an IAPT (improving access to psychological therapies) service in your area.

Your employer should have an employee helpline. Do use it, if you can’t go to your colleagues or manager. It’s normal to be affected by trauma.

Other coping mechanisms could be things that you find calming.
So for me that would be exercise, nature, hobbies, seaside..like how would you comfort a child.
Exercise is a huge one for me. I used to think the endorphins thing was bullshit but I’m sold on it now
I’m Police. Don’t know if you are but trust me loads of male officers have been affected by stuff at work (suicides)

A family member a police officer has a son who went into the force. He has seen a lot of things and coped. A while ago he attended an awful vehicular accident a family involved. He appeared to cope once again, but a few months later had a breakdown. He was off work for a time, had counselling etc. So sometimes it can be the straw that breaks the camels back.

I'm potentially in a similar job - I spend all day looking at the most awful things you can imagine, things that don't even make it to the news because they're too terrible to report.
What ever you have seen is already done. Already finished. For whoever suffered that great horrible act, it is now over.
I have seen terrible things - but if I'm hearing about it it's already finished. There is nothing I can do now except my job.
If things are affecting you you should speak to someone, where I work you're expected to move on the second you close the screen, so I can appreciate why you wouldn't want to speak to co-workers. But you'll likely have an employee assistance line which can help, or your GP can refer.
If none of the above sounds helpful I recommend a bath, some red wine, and some feel good TV (I will freely admit there are days I binge watch Molly and Mack when I get home from work).

I see and read some horrific things as part of my job too OP. As a pp has stated it has already happened and can't be undone, and I see it as part of my job as trying to help stop anything like that happening again.

I would suggest you will not be the only person this has had an impact on - men will be just as affected whether they say they are or otherwise.

Please contact your GP who will be able to signpost you to appropriate counselling which you will find useful in future. In the meantime, treat yourself with kindness and patience.

It's best to speak to someone about it. No one will judge you if it affects you differently, I very much doubt your colleagues will be told you are feeling like this unless you tell them.

In a previous job I saw some of the most horrific things.
We had occupational health and would always have a team debrief and then be made to go to a counselling session if it was particularly bad.

There is evidence that playing tetris (or a similar game based on visual spacial activity) for 30 mins after experiencing a traumatic event makes it much less likely you will become traumatised.

Otherwise, the most important think is to talk through experiences and not shy away from thinking about them. You need to allow your brain to process the memories.

If a particular situation is playing on your mind it can help to write out a story of what you experienced and read it through a few times.

I like the way people say its already done you cant do anything
But what if it happened to.you I constantly relive the morning my toddler and partner died how do u separate that from real life

You really need to admit to being human, and take whatever help is available. I work in a similar role, and keeping it all bottled up is never sustainable long term. It may be male dominated, but the stiff upper lip, show no emotion approach generally ends badly.

paper pen

Oh and you don't forget it, you may be able to deny it for a while, but it will come back and bite you if you don't deal with it.

@Caxx I doubt very much anyone here would give the same advice to you.

Advice being given is for a professional dealing with something that isn't personal to them.

Your situation is awful however it is poles apart from the situation being discussed.

I'm sorry for your loss.