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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect other parents not to verbally abuse a two year old?

106 replies

tulip27 · 25/07/2007 07:24

Yesterday at a rather full to the brim local farm park my freinds two year old boy clonked another two year old on the head with a plastic spade.While I don't condone this behaviour (' I am sure it was a case of I want to go on this climbing frame and your in the way'),the mother of the clonked child proceeded to call my freinds son a ' nasty horrible little boy, lets go away from him he is nasty'. My freinds son stood there terrified. I couldn't believe a grown woman could release so much venom at a small child. She then proceeded to tell my friend if her son clonks others she shouldn't let him out of the house!
What are your thoughts on this?

OP posts:
belgo · 25/07/2007 09:28

agree totally KnowWhatIWant

aloha · 25/07/2007 09:32

I probably would have said, 'Has the nasty, horrible lady been shouting at you? Let's get away from her, she's nasty' to him, while dreaming of burning her stupid house down. I am perfectly serious. This is a two year old, not a 18 year old in a hoodie.
I can say, 'don't do that, it's mean' to, say, a group of four year olds tormenting a two year old, but this is ridiculous behaviour from a grown women.

aloha · 25/07/2007 09:34

The woman sounds a nutter - 'shouldn't let him out of the house' ffs!

Leati · 25/07/2007 09:35

KnowWhatIWant and Tulip 27

Was the mother given a chance to deal with it before the other parent started in?

Hulababy · 25/07/2007 09:40

Leati - it doesn't sound like it based on one the the OP's subsequent posts. Other woman just launched into shouting.

The other woman could have dealt with it so muchbetter without being OTT. Kneeling down at child's level, saying "we don't hit, it isn't ice" type of way. No need to bawl out a two year old, and definitely not on to call the child names either. Label behaviour not child! The other woman set a bad example to her own child here. And many 2yos would be scared by a stranger shouting at them.

flowerybeanbag · 25/07/2007 09:49

Have to confess if another child did that to my DS I'd probably say something similar. It wouldn't be the right or reasonable thing to do, and I would regret it as soon as I'd calmed down and seen that DS was ok, but I am sorry to say I think that probably would be my immediate protective and instinctive reaction.
Maybe this woman was the same, and wished she'd dealt with it more calmly.

GibbonInARibbon · 25/07/2007 09:52

what aloha said

LoveAngel · 25/07/2007 09:58

Stupid woman. The right thing to do is to ignore her, walk away and explian to the lttle boy later on that he is not nasty etc and that the woman was just very angry and behaved badly. What I would have done is tell her to drop the attitude and grow up.... and an almighty (immature, rude, nasty!) slanging match would have ensued. Ah dear...

LoveAngel · 25/07/2007 09:59

p.s. am always shocked by the reaction of lots of mums on MN when the subject of their child being hit buy another child comes up. Of course nobody wants to see their child hurt, but FGS they're kids...in this case, toddlers...I really think some parents need to grow up and stop reacting like toddlers themselves!

bouncingball · 25/07/2007 09:59

Good post knowwhatiwant, I agree totally. The OP is being slightly unreasonable IMHO.

LoveAngel · 25/07/2007 10:05

KnowwhatIwant - agree that the mother should have said something but TOTALLY disagree that her not saying something warrants the other mum calling the child' names. The right thing to do would have been to say something civil but to the point to the mother - not to take out her frustrations on a toddler.

This really annoys me, as my son (aged 2) is often quite rough in his play with other kids. I always make a point of telling him to be gentle and take him away from the situation if he doesnt heed what I've said...but I do think precious parents who can't deal emotionally with their child encountering rough play now and then without resorting to immature, petty behaviour are really quite annoying!

flowerybeanbag · 25/07/2007 10:10

lol at me being a 'precious' parent.

Absolutely it's immature and petty behaviour, and I suppose I am a bit 'precious', but I am hoping that it's because DS is only 10 weeks, and by the time he is a toddler I may feel slightly less like a lioness protecting her cub!

belgo · 25/07/2007 10:11

This thread is totally split down the middle.

It's interesting that toddlers are expected to cope with rough play and being hit, but not expected to be able to cope with words such as 'horrible' and 'nasty'

SSSandy2 · 25/07/2007 10:12

YABU I agree with knowwhatIwant. In that mum's situation, I would definitely have done something about it on the spot. However generally there is a distinction to be made between saying, what you did was nasty and you are nasty.

flowerybeanbag · 25/07/2007 10:19

ooh, yes that's true belgo, about what toddlers are and aren't expected to deal with.
I'm finding this thread very interesting and thought-provoking

LoveAngel · 25/07/2007 10:20

I dont think toddlers should be 'expected to deal' with being hit or being verbally abused. I do think, however, that whereas many toddlers havent yet learned the lesson that hitting is wrong (even with the parents that guide and discipline them), adults have little excuse for behaving like children. YES, your duty is to protect your child from being hurt but its also to deal with unpleasant situations maturely and set an example in your behaviour.

I am not taking the moral high ground - I often lose my temper etc and I'm sure this is what happened with the woman. She's only human and I am not judging her as anything worse than being a bit stupid and immature (she's not 'evil' or a 'bad mother' shudders at the pphrase )
But in retrosect, when I act immaturely I at least recognise it - I dont try to cover it up with excuses. The woman acted like a kid. Lets not make excuses for her.

Right, I must go off and do some actual parenting as opposed to talking about what a fab mum I am on MN all day :-)

tuppy · 25/07/2007 10:24

Maybe the mother's language wasn't ideal, but

  1. it was the heat of the moment
  2. maybe the 2yo won't be so quick to clonk a stranger next time
  3. he (and victim) certainly won't have been dwelling on the semantic niceties of this issue for very long at all.
RosaLuxembourg · 25/07/2007 10:33

I can't believe that some people on this thread think it is OK to call a toddler nasty and horrible. That is shocking IMO. Of course it is OK to remonstrate with a child who has hurt your child, by saying, no that is not nice, we don't do that or similar - but nasty, horrible child. I wouldn't dream of using language like that and of course it is verbal abuse. What else could you call it?

constancereader · 25/07/2007 10:37

So - all those who think it is ok to call a toddler nasty and horrible for hitting another toddler. Would you feel the same way if a teacher or nursery nurse did the same thing in a professional capacity?

Of course the mother of the hurt child was within her rights to remonstrate with the other child. It is the way she did it that is in question here.

DobbyMOO · 25/07/2007 10:57

Heat of the moment is no excuse, she is an adult and should be able to control herself! Would you say it was excusable for her to hit the toddler because it was in the heat of the moment? I'm totally shocked that people think it is OK to shout at someone else's 2 year old!

taxidriver · 25/07/2007 11:09

i dont think it is ok. sounds like she was having a bad day. or was illeducated. or both. there are a lot of people like that.

taxidriver · 25/07/2007 11:10

of course you wouldnt expect a teacher or a nursery nurse to bheave like that but they are educated

flowerybeanbag · 25/07/2007 11:13

have asked my DH. He thinks I would actually act a bit more rationally and probably react to the other mother rather than the little boy, and would try to demonstrate to my DS what is an appropriate way of dealing with it, particularly if it was in the context of rough play rather than maliciously. Maybe he is right, not sure, hope so.
I would definitely not approve in any way of a teacher or nursery nurse using the same language, though, I would certainly expect them to deal with it more rationally,and I think that would be easier for them as their child was not involved.
And if it were the other way around and my DS had done the clonking, and the other mother had called him nasty and horrible, I would immediately leap to his defence and probably get into a heated discussion with the other woman.
This type of discussion is very good for self-awareness!

belgo · 25/07/2007 11:13

DobbyMoo - of course it isn't acceptable for her to hit the toddler in the heat of the moment. Nobody has suggested that.

She didn't hit the toddler. She didn't swear at him.

She called him a nasty horrible boy in response to him hitting her son with a spade.

That's not verbal abuse.

flowerybeanbag · 25/07/2007 11:14

at 'illeducated'. Uncertain what my reaction would be but quite certain of my high standard of education!

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