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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to refuse to 'share' dd's party?

30 replies

Countingthegreyhairs · 25/07/2007 07:02

My dd is having a birthday party soon at home(she'll be 4). The mother of one of her schoolfriends called me yesterday (in response to party invitation) and said "it's going to be x's birthday the day before the party, I've got family staying, perhaps I could bring a cake over and they could share??"

I declined saying "well we've got things pretty much planned out thanks" (it was a gut response because I find that this mother can be quite pushy).

Once I said it I felt v. guilty as I feel perhaps I've been a bit rotten to the little girl concerned. At the same time though feel that my dd deserves her very own party and 'moment of glory' with cake candles etc (we can't afford to go on holiday this year and so are having this party 'instead')

Have I done the wrong thing?

OP posts:

constancereader · 25/07/2007 07:13

YANBU.

I think she was trying it on really. Bring a cake? While you do everything else! I feel sorry for her dd, it wouldn't be v. exciting for her, not on invitations, no planning the fun etc. She deserves her own party too.

LIZS · 25/07/2007 07:32

I think had she approached you before the invitations had been sent it could have worked. Unless it is some time away (ie at end of holidays) then she has really left it too late but otherwise it could be something to bear in mind for next year. We may hook up with another classmate who shares dd's bday as they'd invite many of the same children, but only if their ideas coincide.

lizziemun · 25/07/2007 07:32

YANBU

I would have done the same. It would have been different if she had asked before the invites went out.

Budababe · 25/07/2007 07:36

My DS will be 6 on Aug 5th. We are having his party for his school class on 1 Sept as everyone is away in August. A friend whose DS is also in my DS's class asked me if I wanted to do a joint party as her son's b'day is early Sept but I said no on the grounds that my DS this will be my DS's first party with all his class there and I want it to be just for him. She was fine about it and understood.

But asking to bring a cake and "share" is a different ball game and a bit cheeky!

tigermoth · 25/07/2007 07:49

Sounds like the other mother might have said it on the spur of the moment. Is this the first time she's realised how close your two dd's birthdays are? If so, it's a bit cheeky but it sounds like accidental thoughlessness to me.

YANBU to refuse at this late stage, but if you feel guilty, you could suggest that next year you both plan a joint birthday party.

amidaiwish · 25/07/2007 08:05

no YANBU, but maybe once your dd has blown out the candles you could relight them and sing happy birthday to the other little girl as it is her birthday the next day?

i wouldn't say anything to the mother now, just do it on the day if you are feeling nice.

StrwBry · 25/07/2007 08:52

No way have you done the wrong thing! How many birthdays does a child have a year? 1!! And that day should be made extra special..I go all out to celebrate my children's bdays...banners/balloons/cake etc in the house and a party somewhere else.

I just cant get over the "I'll bring a cake" comment! lol!

Hulababy · 25/07/2007 08:53

YANBU

bozza · 25/07/2007 08:55

A bit cheeky when you have gone to all the trouble of organising and paying but you handled it well so I wouldn't worry.

Ladymuck · 25/07/2007 08:59

Given that this is "after the event" as it were then YANBU and I just don't think that she has thought it through. What was she going to do when all the party guests turn a with a present for your dd and not hers?

kslatts · 25/07/2007 09:02

YANBU, if you have already organised your dd's party then she is too late to ask to make it a joint one.

ChasingSquirrels · 25/07/2007 09:03

I think your gut response was great, alot of people may have said ok then really regretted it afterwards. Definatelydon't think you are rotten, do think the othermum is a cheeky cow.

squiffy · 25/07/2007 09:03

At the risk of upsetting the applecart here, I think in all likelihood she is being very cheeky because she hasn't sorted out her own DD, but is there a small possibility that she cannot afford a party herself? If that is the case then maybe you could do something? That however IMO would be the ONLY circumstance where you might want to reconsider...

CristinaTheAstonishing · 25/07/2007 09:09

YANBU. Perhaps it wouldn't have been as cheeky if it was at a playcentre, let's say, and you shared the costs. But so late in the day and at your own home that's a bit much. I did like Amidaiwish suggested at one of DS's birthday parties and re-lit the candles for another boy whose birthday was the following day.

MaureenMLove · 25/07/2007 09:10

YANBU! Similarly, I was NBU when my step FIL suggested that it would be nice for his father to have a birthday cake at my wedding! I told him to sod off!

PrettyCandles · 25/07/2007 09:12

YANBU. It's one thing if you plan out a shared party together, it's quite another thing if someone justs piggybacks on your party.

Besides, why should having family staying stop her dd having a party of her own?

MadamePlatypus · 25/07/2007 09:16

She asked AFTER receiving the invitation!!!!

One thing to plan this kind of thing in advance. I am gobsmacked that she would try to do this after receiving the invitation. Apart from anything else, its not fair on her daughter. The invitations have gone out inviting people to your daughter's party. Presumably its all geared around what your daughter wants to do. Would be miserable (IMO) to be the secondary party girl.

ChasingSquirrels · 25/07/2007 10:01

Can't afford a party? How much does having some kids round to play and making a birthday cake cost? Doesn't have to be any more than that. So £1 to make a cake?

squiffy · 25/07/2007 10:09

Agree a party can be done for next to nothing, but imagine being poorish and knowing that any party you threw would be hot on the heels of an expensive birthday blow-out being done by someone else.... it would be mortifying having kids asking where the bouncy castle, is or where the party bags are and so on....

Original poster

Countingthegreyhairs · 25/07/2007 10:10

Wow! Have just returned from having to do an unexpected errand and am really cheered by all the responses. Thanks ever so much! I feel much better. Mumsnet is just great for niggling situations like this ... .

Yes, the mother has just got back from holiday (the Carribean so no money probs I think) and was replying late for that reason (totally understandable - I expect many people to be away at the moment - also v. happy receiving last minute responses).

Her dd and my dd are (or were until v. recently) best friends at school which is why she asked I think. I did feel it was a bit cheeky though and personally wouldn't do that myself unless planned with another mum a good while in advance.

After I had 'declined', she said that they may not be able to make it to the party anyway (or if they do come they'll just pop in for 20 minutes because they have family staying) so it was all a bit confusing really. On reflection and having looked at everyone's answers, I'm glad I went with my gut response but do feel sorry for her dd. If they come to the party I will definitely make a fuss of her (poss with cake and candles if it seems OK at the time).

There's a bit of history to this too. She's turned up on my doorstep a couple of times (we live v. near dd's school) and "asked" me to baby-sit because she had to go to a school meeting/get her car fixed/finish some unexpected work. (Happy to do so when arranged in advance but not v. keen on being 'doorstepped' particularly as I work from home).

Blimey - all this play date/party etiquette business involving other parents is a nightmare isn't it? It all seemed so much simpler when you just had feeding and sleep schedules to worry about!!

Thanks again everyone. Feel less guilty now!!

OP posts:

Tommy · 25/07/2007 10:15

YANBU at all

This happened in our baby group when all the babies were a year. One Mum asked if she could bring a cake for her DS over to another Mum's house and the second mum more or less ended doing a whole party for the the other boy.

YANBU at all - some people have the cheek of the devil!!

squiffy · 25/07/2007 10:25

Ah, Caribbean puts a slightly different slant on it (wasn't Mozhe, was it?). YA Deffo NBU.

constancereader · 25/07/2007 10:33

So first she wants to share your party and then when you politely decline says that they might not be able to come anyway?

Sounds like a 'so there' kind of comment. She seems to be quite an impolite kind of lady.

Original poster

Countingthegreyhairs · 25/07/2007 10:46

Yep, thanks again everyone for yr comments - bit of a tricky relationship tbh. I sound really horrible and judgemental now, but her dd is quite 'challenging' too although not her fault obviously.

(My dd's teacher commented on end of term report that dd listened well in class and paid attention, except when she was seated next to 'x'. I've had other concerns about dd (who is no angel either!!) being 'bullied' is too strong but shall we say 'strongly influenced and not always in a good way' by this little girl(sounds mad I know when they are only four but true!!).

So did not want to set a precedent of shared parties for years to come either, though of course is ultimately dd's choice who she makes friends with! And that's the subject of another thread altogether, "to what extent should a mother influence the friendship choices of her children?" "Aarrrrgghh!!!

OP posts:

MadamePlatypus · 25/07/2007 10:52

I think she sounds as though she is unwilling to put herself out for her daughter. Can't see what difference having family staying makes - some people have family to stay so that they can come to the party!

Presumably her daughter would like to come to the party, but she can't commit to whether she is going to come or not or whether she will stay for longer than 20 minutes, and, IMO has not made any plans for her own daughter's birthday because she has so many things going on in her own life. On the other hand, she seems to think that you have nothing better to do than organise birthday parties and provide child care at the drop of a hat.

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