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Original poster

Top Tips For living as best as possible with and supporting Asperger's tween/ teen boy?

18 replies

Swellerellamoo · 17/06/2019 15:39

All the pennies have dropped and I've realised ds is showing all the signs of Asperger's.
Ive posted about how to support him / be the best parent for quite a few years on here and grateful for all support.
Now he is approaching 10, as a neurotypical lone female parent, what can I write in big letters on my fridge to remind myself of what he needs? What would be your top 5? Or To have as a sticky on my phone if fridge too obvious?
Thanks all Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Swellerellamoo · 17/06/2019 15:40

Sorry that should say - be the best parent I can be for Him

OP posts:
DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 17/06/2019 15:44

Consistency, elaborate wordplay, no high pitched noises.

Original poster
Swellerellamoo · 17/06/2019 15:51

Elaborate word play? What is this please

Also consistency. For example I don't can't always pick up from after school club at the same time as my job Is unpredictable. I notice when I pick him up he asks me a series of demands like 'when am I getting a ps4' 'can we stop for sweets' 'can I go out on my bike' ... There is no if any reciprocal conversation. Could 5his be because he has found it anxiety provoking not knowing what time I'll arrive and communicates his anxiety through continuous requests with concrete responses?

OP posts:
Original poster
Swellerellamoo · 17/06/2019 15:52

He's never said it bothers him that I get there at different times, but I realise that he has very little insight at the moment about what does bother him, so he is often confused / stressed / angry/ upset

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makingmammaries · 17/06/2019 16:19

As much understanding as you can convey to him of the social and potentially legal consequences of inappropriate behaviour. I’ve been there, came out the other side, but it was a difficult few years.

Proseccoinamug · 17/06/2019 16:23

Very clear communication without making any assumptions.
Letting him know what to expect.
Giving him time to process.
Accepting him for who he is.
Be his advocate.

GreenwoodLane · 17/06/2019 16:37

Spring no surprises
Ensure he knows what’s going to happen in advance (aka social stories).

noblegiraffe · 17/06/2019 16:38

Has he got a diagnosis/on the pathway to a diagnosis?

If not, sort this as soon as possible, it will make transition to secondary smoother.

Punxsutawney · 17/06/2019 16:45

Ds is 15 and currently being assessed for ASD. Are you going to go down the assessment route?

Ds likes routine, we do not spring any surprises on him. He has a white board in his room and I write the weeks activities/appointments on it on a Sunday night. He likes to feel safe and secure and not overwhelmed. He likes certain foods which we accommodate. He needs us to patient and understanding even when things get a little frustrating. He also needs us to understand that sometimes he just can't manage things, he's not being difficult it's just sometimes too much. It's been a learning curve for us as Ds pretty much managed through primary but the pressures of secondary school and puberty have meant that his coping mechanisms have fallen apart.

The biggest thing we have had to do so far is fight a big battle with his school to try and secure some support for him. It has been very difficult at times. Things are improving a little but there is still some way to go.

Good luck especially if you go down the autism assessment route as the waiting lists can be very long.

Original poster
Swellerellamoo · 17/06/2019 16:57

Thank you. That's really helpful. Yes on way to diagnosis, got 4th appt with tamhs coming up. Consultant said to prepare for diagnosis. No obvious need for an ehcp at the moment as he is coping in primary, and at his dad's, but it seems that it's with me that the boiling anger and you don't understand me comes out shockingly quickly. Have enrolled on an NVR parenting day (fun times!)
Any advice gratefully received as while running a stable, loving home for ds I am quite 'hey let's do an art class' or 'what about kayaking at the weekend??' so maybe I'm not brilliantly predictable where as his df is.

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DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 17/06/2019 16:58

I liked elaborate wordplay, that's why I put it down. My nephew, who's much further up the spectrum, likes it too.

caranx · 17/06/2019 16:59

I think its very thoughtful of you to ask this. He's lucky to have you.

  1. Routine, same things at same time, or advance warning if its a one off.
  2. Try not to let him get too tired or hungry
  3. After over-stimulating places like school, let him have 40 minutes on his own in a safe quiet place with no talking to recharge.
  4. Don't use euphemisms. Say what you mean.
  5. Pay attention to things that annoy him as he can't ignore these - remove labels on clothes, no ticking clocks, no too tight clothes
  6. If he's not getting social interaction right, tell him different specific approaches he could use.
  7. If you need to introduce a new idea, mention it then let him have time (a day?) to think about it.
  8. (Trying not to be rude here :)) As a single parent, try not to be too emotionally needy with him as that is very tiring for him.

All the best Flowers

Original poster
Swellerellamoo · 17/06/2019 17:06

@Caranx, thank you. Writing the list here in code. Yy to no emotional neediness - he seems to be hyper intuitive to my stress or distress, especially in relation to him. I do have a DD as well which buffers things I'm sure

Any other things I should write down?

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Original poster
Swellerellamoo · 17/06/2019 17:08

I mean he seems to absolutely feel and absort my emotions which I have realised and try to buffer as much as I possibly can. It's partly why I was so confused by the tamhs referral from school - but he's so empathetic! I would say Hmm

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MargotsFlounceyBlouse · 17/06/2019 17:09

Routine - if he has a phone set alarms for morning routine "7:00 get out of bed/08:00 leave house" etc this will also help him at secondary to be independent. Direct instructions via technology seem more effective than spoken requests.

My son literally curls up in a ball in his dressing gown in a dark room when he gets home from school for an hour or two. It's exhausting for him to keep things together and rein in his behaviour all day and he needs that decompression. After school extra curricular stuff just isn't viable for him. Save it for weekends.

Calm routine and praise for the stuff he gets right as he'll be unintentionally getting a lot of things 'wrong' every day and that's stressful for anyone.

caranx · 17/06/2019 17:15

I mean he seems to absolutely feel and absort my emotions which I have realised and try to buffer as much as I possibly can. It's partly why I was so confused by the tamhs referral from school - but he's so empathetic! I would say hmm

You've fallen for the No1 Fallacy about Aspergers. Its not that he doesn't feel emotion , but exactly the opposite, he feels so much emotion its overwhelming in a drowning kind of way so he shuts down or meltsdown.

Bunnybaubles · 17/06/2019 17:21

Maybe useful to introduce or try different strategies if he becomes stressed / aggressive.

My DS has aspergers and started self harming around age 8, biting, scratching and punching himself. Autistic society were great at recommending ways for him to cope with frustration. It was all new to me!!

BlackeyedGruesome · 17/06/2019 17:36

Keep him well fed, food immediately after school. In the playground if necessary.

Ditto drinks and temperature.

Keep sensory input to a minimum immediately after school until he has recovered.

Heavy work/ massage/exercise may work.

Tight clothing or loose, depending on his needs.

Don't talk when he is getting overloaded.

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