To ask if I’m depressed ? Or have I left it too long to grieve?

[Falking]

Not entirely sure what I’m even trying to say.
Basically when I was 22 I was pregnant with my first child- had been with my partner since we were 16.
When I was 8 months pregnant my grandma died- she was perfectly healthy until on the Saturday she had a bad fall which resulted in a bleed on the brain. She sadly passed away on the Monday.
Tuesday the next day my mum killed herself.
It was my dads mum who passed away. So he lost his mum and his wife in 24 hours.
I had no idea my mum was depressed no one did. I was texting her that day about going shopping for baby things. We were so close
But as I felt like I had to i plodded on and I coped well. My little boy arrived healthy and I threw myself into motherhood. When he was 6 months me and my partner decided to separate as we had lost the spark but we continued to coparent and everything was fine on that front.
Fast forward my boy is now 4 and just before his 4th birthday I had a daughter with my new partner. I named her after my mum.
My pregnancy was hard, my partner left me ( at the same time my mum died in my first pregnancy) so I felt awful. Luckily we’ve sorted that now and he’s back and my little girl is now 6 months old.
But I don’t feel right.
I feel so much anger towards my mum. I look at my daughter and I can’t imagine anything other than protecting her. The same for my son. It’s a horrible feeling I don’t want to feel like this. I used to go to her grave twice a week and I havnt been since my daughters been born.

I don’t understand it ? Am I late in grieving ? Am I depressed ? I can’t even explain how I feel I juy feel like I’ve just lost her and I havnt it’s 4 years. I feel awful bringing this up to my dad. He has moved on and we’re not really an emotional family.
The only other family I hVe is my aunty and uncle but they are the same they don’t mention my mum.

My mums other family cut me out when my mum died ( my gran, my auntys )
They told me they couldn’t understand how I didn’t know
So they never spoke to me again despite me trying to make contact for 3 years

I’m just not sure what to do or why I feel this way- will it pass ? Is this normal?
It’s only now I realise how bad everything was. And how much I blocked everything out

Oh my op you have been through such a lot.
You sound like an amazing person to have coped with the losses that you have endured, especially whilst also pregnant and parenting small children.
It sounds like you didn’t really process the losses you have had at the time. Not your fault, but probably a survival instinct for you and your child, you had to focus on your baby.
But when we bury things they do have a way to bubble up to the surface and perhaps your second pregnancy has stirred a lot of things up in you?
I know this is standard advice but would you consider some bereavement counselling? It may just help you process what’s happening and work through all of these different emotions that are coming up.
I wish you and your family all the best

I'm no expert but pretty sure grief is a complicated process which does not follow a linear pattern.

It sounds like you just "got on" with life because you had to, new baby etc etc & perhaps now, if your life is more settled (?) you are starting to question things more?

Have you thought about bereavement counselling? You deserve the chance to talk through this with someone & make peace/come to understand your feelings.

I'm sorry you've had such a tough time & I hope you have some good supp.org. The behaviour of your maternal family is abhorrent. You played no pet in your mum's suicide

Thankyou
I did go to the GP last week because I was concerned about how I feel, it sounds bad but they weren’t much help and this is what’s making me regret not asking for help ah the time because I feel I’d be a lot more supported.
He told me to self refer to the minds matter service which I did- they offered me a group session in September.
I don’t particulrly feel comfortable with a group session about this

**My mums other family cut me out when my mum died ( my gran, my auntys )
They told me they couldn’t understand how I didn’t know
So they never spoke to me again despite me trying to make contact for 3 years **

Is this the full story Op? Either it isn’t or that side of the family aren’t the sharpest tools in the box. Why didn’t they ask themselves why they didn’t know?

No I agree with you it sounds as though these things need to be discussed 1-1 with a trained counsellor.
Could you see a different more sympathetic gp and say you think this is related to bereavements that you haven’t been able to process and you want counselling 1-1.
Also echo what pp says that you were not to blame, no one could have predicted what your mum was going to do, so very sad for you and your dad.

Grief isnt a linear process. Could you get in contact with your local IAPT if the GP has been a bit rubbish?

For info I am currently reaching the end of ana 8 week low mood cbt course through my local IAPT as everything in the last few years caught up with me at Christmas. I lost my dad to cancer, had health problems of my own, miscarriage and infertility and it just got too much to deal with on my own.

@Amibeingdaft81 well my Grans initial view was that she wanted to grieve alone so wanted space , it was only after this she said she simply couldn’t believe me and my dad didn’t know because of how close we were and she wanted no more contact. Two auntys basically said well we need to stand by and support our mum and that was the last thing they’ve said. Whereas my uncle was mortified and has been there for me with his wife since

So your gran wasn’t close to your mother

How odd how she channeled her energy. Sounds like no loss to your life whatsoever

It’s not surprising that you feel the way you do, Op.
to lose your grandmother and your mother, both in tragic circumstances, and when you were pregnant, it’s a shocking story. And to not be supported by your maternal relatives is so sad.
Being able to talk this through with an experienced counsellor hold help you to understand and help you to cope with this. Have you heard of Cruse? That might be a start.
www.cruse.org.uk/get-help

Oh OP i feel for you, having a daughter bought up so much buried grief for me too even though my mum had died some 11 years earlier. I second some counselling, a book i found really helpful was "motherless daughters" by Hope Edelman. Someone once described grief as like the ocean, it can be still for ages but then a storm will come and knock you off your feet, but it will pass.

Maybe try your health visitor? I was told they kept a closer eye of women who had lost their mothers? xx

Very natural to focus on your pregnancy at that difficult time and try and look forward. It kept you going.
I agree, talking about this now will help.
My mums other family cut me out when my mum died
They told me they couldn’t understand how I didn’t know
They found a scapegoat in you Falking and it was a very sad and unfair way to deal with their loss.
For those left behind there will always be questions.
If someone is convinced they are a burden or their problems aren't fixable then it's a small step on that particular day to rationalise that people closest to them are better off without them and suicide seems their only choice.
I'm sorry you feel you can't raise this with your dad. In a way it can be easier airing this with strangers.

So sorry you have been through so much in such a short space of time OP. Grief is an individual and sometimes complicated process, and it sounds like maybe you've had to just get on with things because of your children. You've experienced such a lot of loss, and maybe you've not had the opportunity to process everything that's happened, so it wouldn't be surprising that you're feeling low.
You might be able to get some bereavement counselling from CRUSE, who are a national bereavement charity, who will come and see people in their homes. A few friends of mine have worked for them and it sounds like a great organisation.

Thankyou for the advice
I guess what was worrying me was I didn’t even know what I felt. I didn’t know what to expect from grief but it wasn’t this

Gosh OP I’m so sorry, Your double bereavement was compounded by the additional loss of your mums female relatives. I can’t understand or relate to their reaction. It sounds as though you’ve really tried to reach out to them. You can’t do anymore than you’ve done there. 💐

It’s taken me the best part of a decade to truly feel happiness again after losing my parents. I think the bereavement process takes longer then some will have us believe, especially when the losses are close together which yours were - just 1 day apart.

My children were preschool age when my mum and dad died but I have made sure they’ve grown up knowing their maternal grandparents. It’s good therapy for me, too. I don’t see anything wrong with going to your mums grave and telling her everything you feel.

I know counselling helps a lot of people, it didn’t help me but online CBT helped a bit with anxiety I had, antidepressants helped (I took them for a year) but the most effective remedy for me was running and going back to work (though at times that was also hard).

It’s a long healing process and we miss them forever but I promise you’ll get there. It’s the hardest thing when someone’s gone from the world but they’re not gone from you. You will see your mum and grandma again in your children as they grow up. So lovely that you named your little girl after your mum.

Not much practical advise from me but I hope it helped a bit.

All the very best to you. 💐

@Jakesmumandbump
Thankyou so much. I think it’s hard because I thought I was fine. Things are really affecting me at me minute like driving past the school my son will start in September and I see grandparents at the gates
I wish I could ask my mum all the things I google about parenting, i hope it gets easier

I'm so sorry you have been through this OP. It is so tragic to lose both your grandmother and mother so soon after one another and it is awful that your mum's relatives did not support you or comfort you, as if you could have prevented it? You could not have.

Grief is never what we expect, in my experience. It's one (sometimes long) rollercoaster and we got to ride it out.

I wish you all the best x

It's a shame your GP wasn't more help, could you go back again and specifically ask about counselling, say you're really struggling.

I think you haven't probably dealt with your grief and it does come out later, like you say you got on with things at the time but now your dds birth has triggered something in you.

Completely different circumstances to you but I never dealt with my dad's death 17 yrs ago as I felt like I should just carry on had roo much on etc last year my fil died, I didn't even have anytime for him, certainly didn't love him and yet I was inconsolable, completely knocked me for 6, he had a daughter a similar age to what i was when my dad died and it was like i saw my old life reflected back. A friend explained that it was like I'd pit everything in a box 17 yrs ago and left it in the attic and now unopened the box and everything came out.

Perhaps having your new baby has done a similar thing. With a bit of distance you are seeing yourself when you ds was born and all the trauma and grief you suppressed.

As for your mother's family there are no words for them, I'm angry on your behalf

There is no timescale on grief. It sounds like you've been through absolute hell.

Be kind to yourself. Accept help.

@Sewrainbow your post just made me cry. I can completely relate to the box now you’ve said it. I feel like I’ve been let down and let myself down. Part of me is glad I just got on with things but id like to think from the outside looking in I’d have offered me some support. Then maybe I wouldn’t feel this way now. Thankyou for sharing your view x

Ah I'm so sorry, it is a revelation though isn't it? It helped me understand myself a lot.

You haven't let yourself down, you did what you thought was best at the time your baby needed you. If anything you've been too strong. It's cliched but being kind to yourself is all you can do now. Seek help if you can. As a pp said it can be easier to tell a stranger. When I struggled the GP offered antidepressants or a CBT course. I knew I probably needed the drugs but even then thought I could do it on my own. When I had the first telephone interview for the CBT I broke down as it took the stranger saying to me you know you've had a terrible time. It was like I needed someone else to say it's ok it was shit and now you can deal with it. I struggled on a bit longer and in the end did take the ADs (not saying that is what you need, but consider them if Dr suggests them as it did help lift up a bit out the situation)

I hope you get the help you need, yours was a particularly complicated situation, with deaths and estrangement, so it will probably take time but be very kind to yourself and take each day as it comes xxx