Struggling, need a rant

[yellowDahlia]

Posting on here because I don't have a really close friend to talk to IRL, I am inclined to bottle things up so now I need to vent.

I'm recovering from some low-level virus so that may be what's making me feel like crap at the moment - low energy levels and feeling exhausted - certainly it's not helping me keep on top of life.

The house is untidy, but nearly always untidy - DH is an untidy person and clutter does not bother him. The DDs seem to be the same, which makes me feel like I'm a bad mother for not teaching them how to clean up after themselves. We tried a household chores rota a couple of weeks ago. It lasted for a day. DH does not seem to realise how much the mess bothers me and makes me feel down. He has a lot of stuff, really big bulky things, and they take up space in the living room, hallway and he has a constant pile of clothes on the floor of the bedroom. It's really frustrating.

My libido is virtually nonexistent at the moment, this also causes tension. He takes it very personally even though I've tried to explain my hormones directly affect this, although tbh I could happily never DTD again.

I'm trying to hold down a good PT day job and get my own creative self-employed/freelance work off the ground. At the moment I feel like I'm paddling hard and not getting anywhere with either. I don't have enough time in the office to do justice to the day job but definitely don't want to increase my hours and compromise my freelance work, which I love.

AND it's nearly school holidays and that means DDs and DH will be be around ALL THE TIME for 6 weeks. I'm an introvert, which DH knows but doesn't seem to really understand I think. I'm literally feeling stressed out already at the thought of no time alone, no real time to do my freelance stuff - which I can make allowances for, I'm aware holidays are bad for finding time for this, but I already feel behind with where I want to be at this stage, so I feel like I'm just going to fall even further behind.

And while I love to spend time gardening to relax, I do this relatively guilt-free when everyone's at work/school...but in the holidays it feels like I'm sacrificing family time to do this and I often feel bad about it, which causes even more internal conflict...

Man I feel a mess at the moment...it's making me feel quite overwhelmed today and I don't know how to deal with it except posting here.

Thanks if you've read this far, sorry it's a bit rambly and I know there are a lot of people much worse off...I just need to get this out of my head and somewhere else.

Sorry you feel that way, I hope things get better. Have you tried talking to your DH about how you feel about it all at the moment? Might help to get it out, somewhat.

School holidays with young children (how old are they?) are always going to be a time of lesser output in other areas. Don't see it as falling behind but as the natural rythym of life with children.

I don't have children at school anymore but work term times only so for me the school holidays are partly for clearing up the mess and chaos built up in the house over the rest of the year!
You and the children can work in the garden together - that's family time :) Maybe give them a little plot of their own to keep them motivated?
Can you ask your husband to clear out his bulky items so you can spend some time over the summer putting some order into the house/routines? Plan tasks one at a time, ie get some plastic boxes for kids toys.

Thanks Sparklesocks. Honestly? No I don't really want to talk to him about it. I don't think he really, truly understands and is inclined to be defensive when I bring up untidiness etc or in fact anything which could be perceived to be a criticism of him It makes it tricky to discuss issues and I'm terrible at confrontation anyway, classic introvert so want to avoid at all costs.

And actually I don't get much back from him - he will listen if I'm having a moan but there's not much in the way of solution-finding or even much discussion. I'm making him sound awful, he's not - I just feel like I need an objective view or independent help with all this.

I’m sorry, it can be really difficult when we don’t feel like people are really hearing what we are saying.

For what it’s worth I don’t think gardening during family time is selfish, we all need a break from time to time and chances are that little me time might revitalise you and actually give you more energy for your family.

Hopefully you feel better for getting it out. Sometimes it helps to get your thoughts out and see it all written down.

Sorry I don’t have much constructive advice but sending you good wishes is there maybe a friend you can grab a coffee with and escape for a bit?

My DH is a messy git, constantly leaving things everywhere. I finally gave him an ultimatum, for one week I would assume clothes left on the bedroom floor were dirty and wash them. After that week if he left clothes on the floor I’d bin them. As he hates shopping with a passion it works quite well!

DH would not respond well to an ultimatum He's pig-headed stubborn and doesn't like being forced, guilted or overly persuaded into things.

Sorry I forgot - a PP asked about DDs ages - they're 9 and 12, so at a good stage where they can occupy themselves or play with friends etc. This summer might not be as bad as previous ones in that respect, I suppose I just cherish my two days a week at home alone (during school hours) and will be losing that for six whole weeks. Obviously it will be good to have family time, but I also need some alone time to balance that out or I become a bit of a shell! I have a plan to try and get up earlier in the holidays to squeeze in some freelance work - or alone time! - in the mornings before the day job/family days, so hopefully that will help.

And yes as QuiFaitCa points out - perhaps it's worth using some 'family time' as tidy-up time because it will benefit all of us.