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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

About dogs

16 replies

GrumpyOHara · 17/06/2019 03:54

I've always been absolutely soppy and pathetic with dogs. Growing up, my dog was allowed everywhere in the house. He slept on my bed at night. He curled up on the sofa to watch TV with us. And I always sort of took for granted that this was how everyone treated their pet dog. My dog was like a king and treated the same as his human family!

DH has other ideas. He loves our dogs (we have two small dogs - think Jack Russell size) but is totally opposed to them being allowed in the bedroom or on the sofa. I've reluctantly agreed to this after realising that it is actually a bit disgusting when you think about it. We have small children and don't want to risk having dog hair on the sofa which they use and I co-sleep with baby so can't even consider having dogs on the bed for safety reasons.

We have a conservatory-type room (not really a conservatory but can't really think how else to describe it) and DH has put the dog food and bed in this room, so that they can play in here when we are out and sleep in here at bedtime while we are sleeping. ( This is because due to the layout of our house, if they're not in this room then they have access to the whole house and just sleep on the sofa while we are out/sneakily creep in the bed while we are in bed! Can't just close doors as it's a traditional type of house where we live (abroad) and doesn't have doors dividing off every room, although this conservatory-type room does have a door). They're very good dogs and well trained. They know they're not allowed on bed or sofa and don't even attempt it while we are conscious but if we aren't there/if we are asleep they definitely try their luck and creep up! I can't blame them, it is comfy!

This room is big enough for them to be able to happily play, they have toys, food and water in there at all times. We leave them alone in the house as little as possible (there is VERY rarely a time when one of us is not in the house due to the nature of our work - lots of work from home for one of us and lots of time off for the other), so they don't spend much time in there. They're the best of friends and love playing together, and because there's two of them, even if we do pop out for an hour they have each other!

Anyway, despite all this, there's still a part of me that feels bloody awful that they don't get to sleep on our bed or curl up on the sofa or have the run of the whole house 24/7! I know it's pathetic but I feel SO guilty when I have to put them in their room at bedtime that sometimes I can't even sleep.

Am I being ridiculous? I just want some reassurance that I am or to hear other people's opinions about it.

I love my dogs so much that I even (briefly) considered rehoming them so they could have owners who would let them be little kings like my other dog was - but dismissed the idea as 1) it would absolutely break my heart 2) DH said I'm being ridiculous because the dogs are happy, well-cared for and well-fed and dogs don't NEED to sleep on human beds/sit on human sofas/ have the run of the house 100% of the time to be happy and 3) we live abroad where dogs are not seen by everyone to be the beloved pets that they are in the UK, so rehoming them could be risky (local people often just set their dogs free when they have kids and stuff, rather than have to look after them as well as a baby, for example, so I'd never be able to stop worrying about what became of them!)

Please Mumsnet, give me your opinions! Am I indeed being totally irrational? Or am I right to be feeling anxious about it?

OP posts:
HappenedForAReisling · 17/06/2019 03:57

Do they seem unhappy with the arrangement? If not then they're absolutely fine.

They're not humans wondering why they can't sleep on your bed or the sofa.

ScoobyCan · 17/06/2019 04:00

Would you be able to fit a small sofa in the dog area? For the dogs?

Otherwise in all honesty you're overthinking this - dogs are dogs, and you'd be able to tell if they were unhappy which clearly they are not... Grin

TruthOnTrial · 17/06/2019 04:04

I think these are very sensible measures around young dc.

Your ddogs really are very well looked after. Them not being allowed in bed or on sofa is not neglect!!

Some believe they have to eat from their owners plates or always have food that anyone else is eating. These are also healthy rules for ddogs to not be eating tidbits and eating human food.

You are not being cruel, harsh, wrong in any way

You are exerting healthy boundaries for you all.

Make up for it by having your cuddles during the day. Theres only competing for bedspace at night anyway!

BetsyBigNose · 17/06/2019 05:00

I'm not a fan of dogs (of animals in general really), but I'm trying to imagine how this must feel for you and I guess it's kind of similar to having family members (who you love) as long-term house guests...? Perhaps?!

In which case, I would want to ensure they had the best possible treatment, with the same levels of comfort as the resident family. So, for example; I can see you wanting to provide a bed and for them - but of course if your parents came to stay, you certainly wouldn't offer for them to share you and DH's bed (I'm assuming!) I don't think it would BU for you to provide a bed of some description in the Conservatory, to be exclusively used by them (the dogs, not your actual parents.. this could get confusing!) and the same with a sofa.

You already ensure they have food and drink on tap and it sounds like they have plenty of space to play and things (and company) to keep them entertained/occupied, so I really don't see there's any more you could be doing. I would imagine that your DDogs are extremely happy, well cared for little fluff-balls who absolutely love their lives with you and by the sounds of it, are treated better than 99.99% of all the other pet dogs in the country you live in - I'd say give yourself a pat on the back, relax and add to the list giving them an owner who isn't so anxious that they're not doing enough for the DDogs that they can't sleep properly! Flowers

WhiteLightTrainWreck · 17/06/2019 05:01

I'm a dog on the sofa and in my bed person (although he seems to spend more time in his own bed next to mine recently).
However I see nothing wrong with how you're dogs are being treated at all, nothing you have said is concerning, they seem happy, and as pp has said, if they were unhappy you'd know. I think it is healthy bounderies for your dogs and child(ren).

HomeTheatreSystem · 17/06/2019 05:09

They have a lovely home with you all, are well cared for, loved and have company 99% of the time. It doesn't get better than that for dogs! Really don't worry about it! If DH snores you could decamp to a spare room and get them to pile in with you, maybe?

Nuckyscarnation · 17/06/2019 05:25

Actually I don’t think you are being ridiculous!

I’m sure your dogs ARE fine with the arrangement and are clearly well loved. I don’t think think is the issue here. Rather I’m wondering why your DHs feelings regarding the dogs living arrangements trumps yours? Why are you ‘being ridiculous?’ The dogs are part of your family. If my DH tried to lock our dog out of our bedroom at night I’d put him in the conservatory (if we had one)

We have ten month old twins and they haven’t died yet from a bit of dog hair on the bed and sofa. There’s nothing disgusting about a bit of dog hair (IMO anyway) As long as you clean and hoover regularly then who cares?

I feel for your op. It sounds like you’re being forced into a situation you hate regarding your much loved petsSad

GrumpyOHara · 17/06/2019 05:31

Thank you everyone for your lovely replies! You have no idea how relieved I am to read them Smile like the idea of getting them a little dog sofa to relax on, they'd love that!

OP posts:
OneStepSideways · 17/06/2019 06:26

I think your DH is being sensible here! Dogs should never be treated 'like little kings' as it encourages dominance behaviours. However human they seem, they are still pack animals and need to know their place (bottom of the hierarchy). Giving them free run of the house wouldn't make your jack Russell's happier, only confuse them about where they come in the hierarchy. You could soon have nippy, reactive pets who try to boss everyone around and bark their heads off at visitors.

I hate it when people project human emotions and behaviour onto dogs. It's dangerous as you're forgetting how dogs brains are wired and how they evolved to live in packs, hunt, establish dominance etc.

I remember my grandfather's faithful lurcher, she used to lie at his feet gazing at him. She was never allowed on the furniture or upstairs but she was very content and playful.

PanteneProV · 17/06/2019 06:32

In the nicest possible way you are being mad. What dogs like is routine, having their own dedicated space, and knowing what the rules are. It sounds like you’re ticking those things off. They won’t be longing for the beds and sofas - they will be happy, secure and content knowing that they are in the space they’re allowed to be in, night after night.

Growing up I had a dog who wasn’t allowed on the bed. I used to feel sorry for her and sneak her into mine sometimes. And she hated it. She always started out very excited, but then clearly felt anxious because she knew she wasn’t supposed to be there. Dogs much prefer consistent rules to human beds!

SolitudeAtAltitude · 17/06/2019 06:34

In our house I am the one who is like your DH

My dog is very much loved, and has 2 comfy beddies...

When my DC/DH say they want dog on.sofa/beds, I tell them to take a good whiff of the dog bed, and do they want tge sofa to smell like that

But most crucially, I know 3 older dogs, different homes, who bit kids (hard, drawing blood) when they sat on a sofa the dogs considered "theirs"

Older dogs sometimes cannot abide their beds being invaded, and if their bed is the living room sofa, you have a problem...

Nuckyscarnation · 17/06/2019 06:37

@OneStepSideways dominance/pack theory has been debunked. It was based on studies of unrelated wolves and is now considered unreliable www.dogstrustdogschool.org.uk/behaviour/understanding-your-dog/understanding-dominance/

motherheroic · 17/06/2019 06:41

The is nothing wrong with boundaries. My dog can go wherever he wants, but if I tell him to get off the settee he is just as comfortable in his dog bed.

motherheroic · 17/06/2019 06:45

@Nuckyscarnation To be honest it's not just dog hair is it? It's their paws that have been outside and the smell. If your dog has a cloth bed or cloth cover all you have to do is smell it to get a hint of what your cloth settee could smell like over time.

Luckily for me my settee has washable covers.

jemihap · 17/06/2019 06:48

One thing I would say is please be careful leaving them unattended in the ''conservatory type room''.. I'm assuming it has lots of glass from the description so will still get very hot on a sunny day.

missbattenburg · 17/06/2019 06:54

Our dogs are allowed on beds and sofas but they are no happier for it. What makes dogs happy is your time and attention, good walks, good training and good health. I've known plenty of non bed/sofa dogs who lead perfectly wonderful lives filled with happiness.

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