Should I keep saving my procrastinating husband?

[Husbandneedsaboot]

My DH is a terrible procrastinator. He will know weeks in advance that something has to be done but consistently leaves it til the last minute and then panics that there’s not enough time. It drives me crazy but we have a great relationship otherwise so in the scheme of things, it’s not a major issue.

However, he’s recently given up his job and started his own business and is still bloody procrastinating!! In the 8 weeks since he had started this business, 4 times he has known something has to be done by a certain time and he’s left it til the last minute and then panics because there’s not enough time. So I’ve had to step in 4 times now (including once at 2am) because when he gets stressed that he’s not done it, he shuts down and just can’t deal anything. I laid it out to him last week and told him he needs to organise his time better but after having another incident yesterday that I had to rescue, I’m wondering if IABU to not step in and help him next time this happens to teach him a lesson?! IABU? And if so, how do I get through to him that he can’t run a business with his current procrastinating ways?

I suppose it would depend on what you have to step in and do. Is it something business critical?

Stop rescuing him. Basically you are teaching him that he doesn't have to, because you will!

Just let it fall flat. Let him deal with the fallout... maybe, like the rest of us sole traders, he will see that getting things done on time is ALWAYS less hassle than being late. Only then will he see the point of managing his time better.

That doesn't sound like he's the ideal person to run his own business OP. Why did he give up his previous job?

Yes it is business critical, it involves meeting deadlines for clients. He has a very clear idea of where he wants this business to go buy doesn’t seem to make the connection between that and having to deal with these sorts of issues to get there.

It's tricky. I'd say no, stop stepping in, but head he made changes that could affect you financially if they fail? I'd that's the case then you need to sit down together adsens re-map responsibilities. If not then let him learn the consequences. He may be unable to work for himself because of this. On a much smaller scale my oh is frequently late. In the beginning I'd feel jointly responsible and get him going, but I stopped. His being late, even if it results in my being late, doesn't reflect on me, so I chill, go about my business until he's sorted himself out.

I work full time and we have 3 children so it’s not practical for me to keep stepping in, he really needs to sort this out himself! We can take a bit of a financial hit (and I’m willing to do it if it helps him realise what he needs to do) but I’m not sure if it’s fair to do that, or even a bit cruel?!

He really doesn’t sound like an ideal candidate to run his own business.

Just stop this madness because it will only get worse. If he doesn't start behaving like a grown-up, his business doesn't stand a chance and your marriage will be in serious trouble. It's time to put your foot down.

I think people wrongly think procrastination is about laziness or disorganisation when it's really all about fear and anxiety. I'd really recommend reading 'The Now Habit', it's quite old but it's the best thing about procrastination I've ever read (and I've ready a lot, usually whilst avoiding something else). It made me look at it in a totally different way.
I thought it would get better when I went self-employed but it doesn't unless you can address the underlying problems. Save him or not, that alone won't help to stop it.

I know this is pandering to him but could you encourage him to use some sort of calendar system or phased approach so he has intervening deadlines to meet (and be late for) before the real one starts to approach.

Sometimes procrastination is about poor executive function and this could be why he shuts down as the deadline approaches, rather than upping his game and surfing on the adrenaline as some people do.

If he can start to use a system that breaks tasks down into stages for him, he may find them less overwhelming and therefore be able to start them sooner.

I’d warn him first that the next time he needs your help because he has procrastinated you will not be available to help. And then stick to your guns. He will not learn all the time you have bailing him out.

One thing you can’t do as a sole trader / self employed person responsible for family income is to procrastinate. He has to lean, possibly the had way , or get a ‘proper’ job. I am a sole trader and if I miss a deadline - that’s it, lost income.

You need to warn him that you won't be doing it next time.

He sounds like someonoe who needs to be managed, so the opposite of someone who should be runnign their own business.

You may need to give him a deadline for this business to be succeeding / bringing in a certain income, with an agreement that, if it fails to thrive, he'll find another salaried position.

I agree it’s about fear and thank you for the book recommendation, I’ll look into that. After I read the riot act to him last week I gave him a list of things he has to do, thinking i had got through to him but I’ve just found out the list is still to be started!!

Have a look at Tim Urban's Ted Talk.

The very last quality you need if you run your own business is procrastination. It's one of the things that will absolutely guarantee you will fail. He needs a boss, needs someone to chase him and remind him. He can't do that for himself.

If he closes his business and gets a job, your marriage stands a chance. If he carries on with it, it will fail and you will suffer so much financially that your marriage is likely to end.

I'm a huge procrastinator and due to this I know I wouldn't be suited to self employment or even working from home.

"However, he’s recently given up his job ..."
Why did he do that? As others have pointed out already, procrastination is not compatible with running your own business. So why did he CHOOSE to put himself in this position?

Was there any discussion between you before he gave up his job, about how he was going to manage this tendency of his?

How did he think this would work? Because let's face it - having to be rescued 4 times in his first 8 weeks of trading means that actually, it isn't working.

"... so it’s not practical for me to keep stepping in ... but I’m not sure if it’s fair to do that, or even a bit cruel?!"
Actually, I think it is considerably crueller to keep rescuing him. It's obviously stressing him out, better not to prolong the agony. I would tell him that I am absolutely not going to do his job for him again, and stick to it. Rescuing him will just set up the need for the next rescue, and the next, and the next. And him stressed to the max each and every time.

I hate to be this blunt but this business is doomed to failure. you cant procrastinate when you run your own business. you just cannot.

you have to do what the client wants and when they want it and if you quote for the work and promise delivery then that is what you have to do.

all the time you are stepping in, he wont realise this. You think its cruel not to step in so why doesnt he think its cruel and unfair to you to make you have to step in?

sorry but you shouldnt be reading him the riot act or anything else because he is an adult and needs to take responsibility.

some people are just not suited to being self employed. better you find that out now after only a couple of months whilst your energy and sanity is still intact than wait years and it cause you even more problems.

Having been self employed for most of my life, l can absolutely tell you that procrasinating means he is doomed to fail.
If you work for yourself you need to be VERY disciplined and organised and plan effectively, not get distracted or make excuses, people think it is great not having a boss, but it is hard to self motivate daily.
More people are suited to being employed than self employed, not least as no one celebrates your productive days or comiserates your horrible days, you have to be tough and resiliant.
Persuade DH to get a job or l fear for your finances and health.

Go through this or similar checklists with him, if he has a lot of deficits, it's unlikely that he has the ability to meet deadlines and run his own business successfully.
learningworksforkids.com/clinicians/executive-functions-checklist/