10 year old dd getting pushed out of friendship group

[shesgrownhorns]

Dd has had a long standing bestie, they've had a lovely friendship, and shared lots of other friends in their class.

Recently though, dd is getting pushed out and her bestie has joined forces with three of the friendship group and is constantly being mean to her. Earlier on the bestie prank called her, and then hung up. She said that the other girls asked her to tell them when she'd done it, and to phone them all. Dd was upset. Not crying or making too big a deal out of it though.

I'm friends with the mums so don't want to upset them and I'm sure they've no idea, but should I take it up with them? Or should I just see if blows over? I'm so sad for her.

AIBU if I contact them?

Ignore it, tell her to ignore it or block their numbers. Discourage the having a 'bestie' thing.

Put aside the bestie/pushing out thing as friendship groups do change. That said, today was a mean and since it was planned and intended to upset it’s bordering on bullying. So I would speak to her mum, about the incident. If you bring in all this bestie stuff it’ll cloud it and just sound like meddling. Focus on that prank.

Yes I would say something, just a passing comment that dd was having some friendship issues and did her daughter know what was going on? Ask her to speak to her daughter to find out if she knows anything!

This is so typical of girls this age. I’m not justifying it but it’s common for previously nice girls to develop a mean streak.

IMO the best thing you can do for your dd is tell that a) people change and b) if someone treats her badly they do not deserve her friendship, even tho she may feel sad about this.

I’d say the above and then support dd in telling her friend how her actions made her upset. If friend changes then fine. If not then avoid these girls and move on.

We are brainwashed as young girls that we have to be best friends for life. It’s simply not true, friends do unfortunately come and go, it’s the rare ones who deserve to stick around for the long term.

I've started encouraging my DD to make new friends and not stick like glue to one specific 'bestie' after best friend decided to join forces with another girl and leave my daughter out ( except when she fancied a sleepover at ours- so she'd be nice for a day or two). I've encouraged her to invite other friends she wasn't as close to around to play and widen her circle. I think friendships at this age can be so intense and all this 'bestie' culture just leads to jealousy and resentment.
As you are friends with the mum's I would mention it and make them aware but don't try and 'reunite' the girls. I don't think it's in your dd's best interests.

No. I wouldn't say anything. I would encourage your daughter in some of her other friendships. A lot of friendships become strained during the summer term, stepping back from the intensity of a close childhood friendship might help it in the long run. But also bear in mind few friendships will go beyond primary, most people start to bond over shared interests etc.

If my DD was one of her friends I would hope you would talk to me about it

By the time you've spoken to all the other mothers and possibly created problems there, it'll be all over and they'll be friends again. Get used to it if she's 10!

I would say something to the mums as this is a form of bullying and it is not acceptable. This is where is starts. You hear all sorts of crazy bullying on social media. So scary. It's good that your daughter can speak to you about it.

Yes definitely say something, I was in a similar situation a few years ago and I just told my DD to let it blow over.

This was the wrong decision, now at senior school and these ‘friends’ turn on her every few weeks. I wish I could go back to when they were 10 and tell their mums and maybe they wouldn’t be so horrible now.

If I'd also want to know if my dd was one of the friends, doesn't have to be a big deal but if you're friends with the mum, have a chat, while also telling dd to spread her friends a bit

I agree about discouraging best friends.

We had a similar experience (s) and I didn't find speaking to the parents very helpful unfortunately.

We concentrated on extending our DC friendship groups by inviting friends from out of school clubs round and encouraging different friendships at school. Agree about discussing what a good friend is and isn't. Our DC was desperate to stay friends with unkind kids so I did decline for those friends to be invited to our house, go on special outings etc.

And sorry you're going through it xx

Thank you x

@LadyRannaldini
I’m not sure “getting used to it” is helpful my DD has been bullied by her best friend who is really shy and quiet on and off since reception, school has never taken it seriously as girl in question is really quiet and at school well behaved.
She’s recently been accused of cyber bullying two other children and although the school has treated her with kid gloves lots of the parents are really upset as apparently she’s been quietly bullying other girls.
It’s never acceptable to be horribly mean and children who behave this way often have issues at home.

The word bullying is totally over-used. It's not bullying if it's not repetitive with an imbalance of power. It's just mean-ness. It's normal, it's a part of growing up. All children go through this.

OP, just remind her that people who are mean to her are not worth her company or time. Encourage her to widen her friendship group, encourage her in activities like Scouts or Guides or Dancing or what ever that involve a wide circle of children and aren't centred on this one set of friends in school.

I would say that if multiple children are involved it is an imbalance of power. In our experience it is easy for such 'meaness' to become repetitive without adults (and school) to realise it.
In our case it led to changing school and it was only in retrospect we realised it had been a problem for 15 months and we had underestimated it.

The perils of having a mobile phone so young.