To ask if any of you manage to have a happy marriage where you do not have a relationship with in-laws but DH does?

[Alain23]

I’m trying to navigate this. In-laws have tried to drive a wedge between DH and I and unfortunately have been successful at times. They do not like me and have treated me poorly, but they have been the exact same with their other sons and their wives. So I know this is not a personal thing and just how they are, but that does not make it ok. I find DH’s family as a whole to be unhealthy, dysfunctional and toxic, and DH struggles to stand up for me and us, because when he does they treat him badly and give him the silent treatment, exclude him from things, or message and call him piling on the pressure to do what they say/want. He finds it hard to deal with confrontation as a whole so is inclined to do whatever they say, and I think this stems from a childhood that was emotionally abusive at times and family relationships which continue to be.

The in-laws have never apologised, and never will as they don’t feel they have done anything wrong, and are not about to change any time soon as they are firmly stuck in their unreasonable ways in their mid 60s. So I have chosen to keep away and see them once every other month at events for DH's sake. But I can’t help but feel resentful at DH being with his family a couple of times a week and I feel like they’re one big happy family having faced no consequences for their actions. It’s making me feel resentful towards DH and affecting our marriage which I have told him countless times. He apologises for not sticking up for me in the past and says he knows better now, but the reality is that with me having nothing to do with them which is what I feel they wanted, he doesn’t have to stick up for me now. I also don’t think he has actually changed at all, and I guess this is who he is and I can’t change him and this is his family that he loves even if they are dysfunctional. He has tried therapy to learn to be assertive and set boundaries etc but it has not been successful. And I just feel like his family have managed to divide us and get what they want. And it seems DH is ok with this.

I just wondered if anyone shared any similar experiences? Should I just focus on DH and I living a life well lived even he does continue his relationship with the very people that have treated me badly and do not like me? And please no advice to leave him, he has countless positive qualities, but this just feels hurtful and I feel betrayed and resentful.

Do the advice I was given by my therapist was not to allow my toxic MIL a relationship with 'just' my husband and son. It had to be clear to her that we were a solid unit and to have a relationship with her son she had to make the relationship work with me. She could stop being nasty and it got increasingly worse so DH went NC.

Do you have children? I can't see how this could work if you do.

To me, him seeing his family several times a week seems far too many. DH and I agreed (before things fell apart totally) that we would do state occasions only - weddings, funerals, Christmas.

Basically I don't think you should put up with this. It will only erode your relationship and self esteem. Either they are decent to you or there is no relationship. I definitely think your DH needs to be clear with them about any past hurts and what they need to be like in the future.

Your resentment and anger at your husband is only going to grow. The fact is, he IS betraying you every single day for refusing to defend you against his horrible parents. I for one couldn't remain married to such a weak, pathetic man. You say you won't leave him, but I assure you your feelings on that subject may very well change. This type of poison in a relationship will eat at you like a cancer until you can't tolerate it anymore. The reality is that you take second place in your husband's life. Unless he pulls his head out of his arse, he will always put his parents first. Not sure if you have children, but if you ever do, it will only get worse.

this just feels hurtful and I feel betrayed and resentful. That is because once or twice a week your husband betrays you. He chooses to spend quality time with people who actively show their dislike for you.

You need to work out what you want:

You can either get over your feelings of hurt and resentment and accept DHs failings, accept things as they are, or

You can tell him how it makes you feel and that he needs to be honest with himself,. He needs to see that he does what he does because he fears making you unhappy far less than he fears making is parents unhappy.

But you will also accept to know that if he won't see that, or sees it but won't change you are then back at square one with a different 2nd choice: how to leave!

That is why so many people just let such things drift... so thnk carefully. What do YOU want?

I went NC with inlaws 17 years ago and its worked out fabulously for me. Pity I didn't do the same thing 14 years ago with STBXH (changing timeline as otherwise I wouldn't have DD2!)

I think poster that say you will resent your H are right, mine always backed them and it was the beginning of a long slow decline in our marriage. But me going NC with them? As I say, fabulous.

Wow, this could of been my post. Following with close interest. Thanks for the suggestions so far. I'm going to have a long hard think before I do anything x