Have I made a big mistake??

[Justanotherdayinparadise]

Name changed for this.

Do you ever wonder if you’ve made a terrible choice?

I recently married a bit later in life than usual first marriages, I’m 42.

He’s been married before and via a source I’d rather not share I know his ex claimed he was abusive towards her, not physically but emotionally. As I’d seen absolutely no evidence of him being abusive to me I chose to ignore this. I don’t know his ex but she appears entirely sane and not really one to make things up.

He hasn’t been abusive to me but he has changed a little in the last year. We’d been together 3 years before marriage and married one year.

He has become moody, he’s given me the silent treatment a little in the last year, he’s ok as long as he’s getting his own way but if not he can get snarky and has lost his temper.

I’m wondering if I should have listened to the ex. It took me a long time to trust men after a long and very difficult break up with a long term partner and I’m not sure I could do that again.

I have always had mild MH issues and this is definitely having an effect.

AIBU to be worried?

You don’t need to stay, you can always leave. However, don’t panic yet, but do continue to question things. Speak to him.

Maybe. My Ex's Ex tried to warn me and I ignored her. Turns out she was right. The thing is there is nothing you can do till it actually happens then at least you'll know you're not imagining things and can just leave him.

Ime exes speak more truth than you want to hear.

Many men start showing their true colours after marriage. They think they no longer have to be on their best behaviour. You are already seeing big red flags. If this marriage is not working for you, just GET OUT and quickly.

That's what I'm worried about. I think she may have been telling the truth. Unfortunately just leaving him if this turns out to be the case isn't going to be that easy. I'm surprised by the many comments on MN that do think it is. Although we've only been together four years we have many joint commitments, including a mortgage. I couldn't afford to pay rent as well as a mortgage.

Oh I really feel for you OP.

It's a fine line between liking things your way, and controlling other people to make sure things are your way. Which side does he fall?

Can you give any examples of his behaviour so we can see what sort of behaviour is normal for him?

You'll get lots more advice from those who have been in similar situations, I'm sure.

I do know that abuse can start years after marriage - once the abuser feels 'safe' as such. It starts slowly, and makes you doubt yourself. Listen to your gut.

I also want to ask - what happens when he loses his temper? And what MH issues do you have?

Could you confront him with the emotionally abusive behaviours and see what he says?

he’s ok as long as he’s getting his own way but if not he can get snarky and has lost his temper.

This is a huge red flag to me. I do think you should have paid more heed to the XW's words.

I do think you should have paid more heed to the XW's words

That's really unhelpful. Hindsight is everything.

Thanks for your kind words. Examples are, he plays sport 2 or 3 times a week, I’m usually happy but occasionally I’ll ask if he can cancel/postpone, he gets sulky and moody. He’s got angry once or twice where he’s really shouted. He comes across to his friends as the perfect partner. It’s all very low key and hard to pinpoint but just a very definite feeling I have. He was incredibly loving and kind and caring to begin with,
I wouldn’t have married him otherwise, but since we’ve been married he’s accused me of pressuring him into it and not feeling as strong as he did at first.

My MH is anxiety and an inability to deal with even low level stress.

If you are feeling uncomfortable and uneasy it's because you are not imagining things and therefore you need to start thinking of yourself first and what to do if the time comes to leave.

Having a joint mortgage just means you will have to sell the house once you get a divorce.

If your gut is telling you, it’s probably right.
Please start a journal so that if things escalate in any way, you will recognise it. Should the worst happen it will also be available as proof of his unreasonable behaviour.

I’m usually happy but occasionally I’ll ask if he can cancel/postpone

Are there any specific reasons why you ask him to cancel his plans?

Giving you the silent treatment would concern me. And if he's saying you pressured him into marriage - that's a pretty serious and awful thing to say.

I only ask him to change his sporting nights if we have something else happening that can't move, for example a friend of mine from work was getting married and we'd both been invited to the evening reception. Or another time I had family visiting from abroad and I hadn't seen them for a year, I asked if he could cancel his sport that day.

He goes to his sporting events up to three times a week, including Saturday and Sunday some weekends. I am totally accepting of this 99% of the time.

Those are very reasonable, normal things to postpone sports nights for!

How long does his 'silent treatment' last?

WTF. He is saying you pressured him into marriage and that he no longer feels the same? I find that very concerning OP.

That does sound like he is manipulative through his behaviour and actively hurtful. I'd be very wary of someone like that if I wasn't confident of my boundaries for any reason.

I do think you should have paid more heed to the XW's words

there are enough bitter ex ranting nonsense on this forum to know that no, it's not wise to listen to them. Keep an open mind.