Angry, confused, what (if anything do I do?)

[angryandconfusedd]

Just had my 7 year old daughter back from her dads for the weekend. She's come in the front door crying and straight away said "I can't tell you what I've done this weekend, dad said I can't." I pushed further, explained that we don't have secrets and that you nobody should tell you to lie to mum/dad about anything.

Dug deeper and it turns out she'd been playing with her friend at a park while her dad was sitting at a picnic table out of sight, and her friend and my daughter fell in the brook. She said it was waist deep, and she's crying saying she nearly drowned, it was hard to get back out. Assumed not fast flowing river, but that's not the point. Double checked and apparently dad couldn't see her/she couldn't see her dad.

I'm so angry he's told her not to tell me. Her words were "dad said I can't tell you what I do at his, and that you'll tell me off if I did." Poor kid is stuck between not lying to me, and covering for her dad. Nevermind the fact that anything could have happened near that brook!!

I'm so annoyed.
Console me, advise me, calm me down.. what do I do? I'm cool as a cucumber on the outside, daughter is eating tea safe in the knowledge that I "won't tell dad off." But inside I'm seething.

Ask him why she is upset and see if he admits what happened.

did any clothes come back damp?

She says it happened yesterday.
He doesn't return clothes.
We don't usually talk (nearly got to non molestation order territory) so everything is done via email.

He'll just ignore my email.

Alls well that ends well. If dad was in vicinity even if she was out of sight at age 7 I dont think hes been negligent. I would reassure her dad that you trust his parenting decisions so theres no need to have secrets

She's described the park. One I've been to many times, we're talking 2-250m from where he was sitting.

He's a grade A narcissist and all round horrible guy unfortunately.
He knows my view on telling a child to keep a secret from the other parent, he's told her before. I think it really damages kids, she thinks she's caught in the middle when he says that.

do you know the mother of the other girl?

Don’t do anything, it’s good that she told you, if he has a go at her about telling you at some point she won’t tell you and you then won’t know.

Unless you are in a position to stop contact I wouldn’t do anything.

The brook bit isn't great but I can understand a parent not following a couple of seven year olds around in a park. However telling your DD to hide it from is completely unacceptable.

The play area of the park itself is enclosed. The brook isn't. It's sort of a big set of fields, trees lining it, small park and tables one end, brook the other.
I've met the parent of the other girl once. My daughters said shes going for a sleepover at hers on Friday but that she wasn't allowed to tell me that either.

I don’t think letting a dc of 7 yrs old exploring is wrong if in the vicinity of where DF is sitting tbh. As long as they know about stranger danger and it’s during the day and not out of sight for long periods. But it isn’t okay that he told her not to say anything to you. Talk to him or email him, but try to keep calm as your 7 yr old may be massively over reacting or exaggerating the situation she was in. At that age they can be quite creative with their stories.

It's not so much the brook incident that I'm annoyed with. It's asking her again to keep secrets from me. It's putting her in the middle and she comes home confused that she has to lie to me or protect her dad.

Whatever you decide, don't do anything until tomorrow. Think it over. You have done the right thing in reassuring your DD that she is safe to tell you things. Now you have time to think this over, presuming there is no contact until next weekend.

He has two weekends in a row with her, then two off plus one midweek night. So she's back on Friday for the weekend, although is sleeping over at the same friends house on the Friday. Another secret she was told to keep.

I don’t think there is a lot you can do with him but reassure your daughter and let her know that she can tell you anything he says is a secret and keep her confidence by not saying anything (unless it’s something that is too dangerous not to)

By letting her see you keep your word, she’ll keep talking to you. Keep that communication open.