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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New date wants to go out for his birthday

41 replies

OldBaggage · 16/06/2019 15:12

Dipping my toe into dating again after divorce, finding it all very hard going.

I've been chatting to a bloke for a while. Had a very nice coffee date with him, all good. It's difficult for both of us to find babysitters and match up shift patterns.

He suggested meeting up next weekend and it did suit me. Then he dropped it into conversation that it's his fortieth that day.

I'm feeling so uncomfortable about the whole thing. I just feel that it's quite a personal thing to celebrate such a big birthday with someone I don't really know from Adam.

AIBU? I'm pretty sure that saying no to his birthday probably means the end of it.

OP posts:
Trills · 16/06/2019 15:24

I would find that a bit much too.

Someone wanting to spend their 40th with me rather than with their friends would make me think they were coming on way too strong.

If they have no friends, that's a different red flag.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 16/06/2019 15:25

Ah go. Whats the worst that can happen. take a birthday card too.

Myusernameisunique · 16/06/2019 15:29

Is he maybe just not that bothered about his birthday? Some people don't bother that much about them. I myself like a good celebration and some cake!

Popc0rn · 16/06/2019 15:32

Hmm, I get what you're saying, but I don't think it's really a big deal. 40 is a big birthday, but maybe he's...

a) Not bothered about birthdays in the slightest, generalising a bit but I think lots of men are like that, a milestone birthday probably is a bigger deal to most women compared to men.

b) Doing something else with his friends on a different date to celebrate, if they're all similar age maybe they have family commitments and just aren't free that weekend.

c) Maybe he just doesn't really have that many close friends, which doesn't make him a bad guy, ditto if he's not very close to his family.

Go and see what happens!

Hithere12 · 16/06/2019 15:37

OP I have a lot of friends but never do anything for my birthdays, even big ones

Original poster
OldBaggage · 16/06/2019 15:40

If he wasn't bothered about his birthday, I don't think he would have mentioned it at all?

The thought of a card is bringing me out in a cold sweat.

Maybe not ready for the whole dating thing again.

OP posts:
Swellerellamoo · 16/06/2019 15:41

Don't feel uncomfortable ! Go and have a great time and don't overthink it Flowers

notanotherfucker · 16/06/2019 15:42

I think it's fine, as long as he isn't expecting a huge present or you to treat him.

poglets · 16/06/2019 15:42

I would go. The guy has done nothing but be inclusive and welcoming. It may be absolutely fine. Don't overthink.

Original poster
OldBaggage · 16/06/2019 15:46

The guy has done nothing but be inclusive and welcoming.

That is a good way of looking at it actually.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 16/06/2019 15:50

Id tell him that you cant actually do that day, and did he fancy meeting up the week after. I also wouldnt be keen to do a 40th party so soon

evianskin · 16/06/2019 15:51

I've been in his position before. I had plans with friends but not on my actual birthday. Had a date on my birthday, wasn't going to tell him as didn't want him to overthink that I'm spending my birthday with him, but, thought it's probably a bit weirder if I don't say anything about it and he finds out later down the line!

Don't overthink it! By 40, some people don't really think of them as such a big deal!

keepingbees · 16/06/2019 15:51

If you're not comfortable just make an excuse, or be honest and say you feel it's a bit heavy to spend a big birthday together so soon and you'd rather keep it casual for now. Have you asked if he has any birthday plans?

afromom · 16/06/2019 15:53

It was DPs birthday on our second date. We met at a pub in the afternoon. I didn't give him a card, but I did buy him a chocolate muffin, which he appreciated. It felt less personal than a card, but was still a token gift to acknowledge. (It wasn't a milestone birthday though).
Perhaps you could buy and take along a small cake to share for desert?

PerspicaciaTick · 16/06/2019 15:59

Perhaps he is celebrating with friends another day? Surely better to invite you on a 1-2-1 date than expect you to meet his social circle so soon.

My DH had his 20th birthday 2 weeks after we met. It was a bit awkward to negotiate my way through (card? gift? party?) but I managed it. We celebrated his 50th last year.

Betty777 · 16/06/2019 16:00

I have a friend who announced recently it was her 40th that week. Some people just aren't bothered and/or want to mostly ignore it. Better that at least he told you in advance.
Quite possibly he's only marginally bothered but with childcare etc, he hasn't got around to organising anything for himself. Common male habit, esp if he's previously had a wife doing it.
I wouldnt think too much of it

Allhailthesun · 16/06/2019 16:03

Ask him if he wouldn’t rather spend it with friends? Or ask him casuall what else he is doing for his 40th.

If he’s got kids and shift patterns he may have plans just not that weekend. Or he may just have zero friends....

pupp · 16/06/2019 16:08

It might be unfair but I'd feel uncomfortable too. Maybe the responsibility of making sure he has a good day?

Plus you couldn't let him pay on his bday and how could you say no to a third date... too much pressure! I'd wish him many happy returns and reschedule for next week

CheesecakeAddict · 16/06/2019 16:08

Ask him like a pp said if he would rather spend it with friends.

I get it though; the last birthday I celebrated was my 18th and barely anyone showed up. I've never celebrated another birthday since. It's just not a big deal to me.

AnnaComnena · 16/06/2019 16:09

If he wasn't bothered about his birthday, I don't think he would have mentioned it at all?

But if you keep on seeing him, you'll find out when his birthday is, it's the sort of thing that comes up in conversation, and then you'd be wondering why he didn't mention it at the time.

TanMateix · 16/06/2019 16:09

I never make a fuss of my birthday apart of getting a cake to work. For me it is like any Monday or Tuesday, I only take the cake because I eat the cake other people bring on their birthdays.

Don’t read too much into it, go, have a good time, take him a chocolate orange as a gift and do not panic (or offer to pay the whole meal!)

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 16/06/2019 16:10

I went on a blind date on my 17th birthday! A double date with my friend and his who also didn’t know each other! He gave my boss his phone number for me to call him to arrange the date on the back of a photo of his Lotus Elise 😂 It was fun! He didn’t bring me a card or flowers despite knowing it was my birthday tho which was a bit odd as would have been polite if he was actually trying to impress me x

EskewedBeef · 16/06/2019 16:13

I think it would be weirder not to mention a birthday than to say it in passing iyswim. It doesn't mean he wants presents or anything special, it just happens to be his birthday when you'll next see each other.

Lovemusic33 · 16/06/2019 16:14

I went on a first date with a guy on his birthday, I didn’t know it was his birthday until I got there, I felt a bit guilty that he paid for the meal and drinks (he insisted). He was a lovely man but not really my type, we didn’t have a 2nd date but we do keep in contact. I don’t think he had anyone else to go out with on his birthday so in a way I made his birthday better than if I hadn’t had gone. Maybe this man doesn’t have anyone else to celebrate with?

DoctorDread · 16/06/2019 16:23

Oh god op I did this last year having been seeing my bf for only 3 weeks. I don't make a fuss about my birthday generally but my mum was up visiting so I had easy childcare! We're still together a year in and it didn't seem odd at the time - I just kind of took advantage of the opportunity I go out on my birthday instead of the norm iyswim. I'm worried now!!!

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