To feel ashamed of not having a father/having divorced parents

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I'm in my twenties and I've grown up living with my mum. My parents split up when I was about 3 or 4. I did see my dad throughout my childhood, initially every weekend and from my mid/late teens it fizzled out over several years. I haven't seen him since Christmas, my choice. Although I did see him, he wasn't a dad in the true sense of the term. He was emotionally and physically absent.

It's not something I talk about much, and lots of my friends don't even know. I feel ashamed. It also hurts a lot, more than I'd like to admit to most people, and I don't tell people for fear of them taking it lightly, in case they don't understand. I also don't tell people because I don't want them to pity me, to look down on me. To think "poor photoframe, that's a touchy subject, I mustn't mention that to her. That must have been so difficult for her". It has been difficult, but not in a way that means I'm fragile and flawed. It's like when people use the term "broken family" like there's something fundamentally wrong with families like that, and consequently with those who have come from such a family.

I do want to talk about it, but with the right people. People who will treat me compassionately and supportively and actually listen to me and not just slot me in the "fatherless" box and all the stereotypes that come with that. I do feel ashamed, and I don't know how to get over it. There's a post about how father's day can be difficult that I'd like to share on facebook, but I'm scared of people seeing it and thinking that I'm lesser somehow. It's just hard.

I grew up without a father, not even having visitation. No one who knows has ever felt pity for me or felt like they needed to be sensitive about the subject. I really think that you're overthinking this. I honestly don't think anyone will think any differently of you because your parents split up when you was a child.

Are absent fathers that rare that you feel like an outcast? Like really?

It’s very common now to be brought up in single parent families. You have been in regular contact with him and while emotionally absent many dads lose contact with their children permanently, so you are better off than some. While people may sympathise with you no one will pity you. My husband died when my kids were 4 and 6. Of course they wish they had a dad and maybe felt left out when at school they made Father’s Day cards etc, but they’d never say they were embarrassed or pitied.
If you feel the need to talk about it just bring it up yourself. When some one talks about their father you can say you have a difficult relationship with yours. Then go from there.

I suppose you can’t help how you feel but I don’t think you should ever feel ashamed about something so far out of your control as this. Most people won’t feel sorry for you as such, I say I don’t see my dad if it comes up/ is relevant to the conversation and tbh no one has ever batted an eyelid.

I think you would probably benefit from some counselling to help you put your feelings into perspective. It's so very common these days for children to grow up in single parent families - your reaction seems excessively emotional and you would probably benefit from finding a healthier perspective on something that is after all completely normal in society. Nobody is judging you. Except possibly you yourself. Get the support you deserve and develop the confidence to be who you are.

It's really sad that you feel like that. I think it actually sounds like you do need to talk about it. It's honestly nothing to be ashamed of.

I also have no contact with my father. Father's Day doesn't really affect me. The only thing I find annoying is the Facebook posts about how some mothers are mother and father and should be recognised on Father's Day.

I think this is bullshit and actually takes away from those of us who grew up without a father. My mother was amazing but no she wasn't a mum and dad it's impossible.

I have never met my dad or seen a photograph of him as my my parents split up when my mum was pregnant. I did feel awkward when I was younger but now I just answer honestly "I don't have a dad." People don't ask more questions and I don't have anything else to add to that.
It's nothing to be ashamed of, it's outside your control.

It's common to have one parent - nothing to be ashamed of . Even my Dad was brought up by a single mother, he was proud of his mum and never felt ashamed. It sounds as if you've rejected your father for your own reasons - maybe some counselling might help.

No need to be ashamed.
Perhaps instead of focusing on what you didn't have, focus on what you did have....?

I wonder if your mum was ok with the split?

If anyone does think you are "lesser" because of the circumstances of your upbringing that you had no control over, then that is totally their problem, not yours.
You are an adult now, and what you do and how you behave now is what is important and what makes you who you are- your family background is a very small part of that.
My dad died when I was 15 and for some time it was a difficult subject of course, but I am not aware of anyone ever judging me because of it - I had as little say in that as you did over your father leaving!
I think you would benefit from talking with a counsellor, to get used to talking about the subject and to help you to work out why it's still such a biggie for you.