If your husband works away.

[louise5754]

My DH has worked away for 18 years.

We have 2 DC 7 and 9.

Often he comes home every other weekend. Sometimes he's away 6-12 weeks. Sometimes more.

At night he phoned while I'm sorting the kids. He's laid in bed asking me what he should watch on Netflix.

He's good is prepared for him. His room is cleaned.

Often he will order a takeaway (I know as I get a notification on our just eat app). If I'm discussing home issues ie the kids/ an unpaid bill etc he can just say I have to go my foods here.

If he is home during the week and I ask if he is taking the kids to school he will say whether or not he wants to.

In life you cannot pick and choose the bits you want to do.

He is very sociable. I'm not. If I wanted to go out at the weekend he would tell me to go. He would have the kids. I just don't want too.

If he goes out it will be all day and all night plus the next day will be spent in bed. He's loads better now and o my goes out on stag dos or birthdays. I think that's to do with money and him nearing towards 40.

He has an enormously hard and busy job. He has seen his best friends killed.

He's had this way of life from the age of 19-37 so someday he's done well adapting to family life as much as he has.

I have major anxiety and depression. I o my leave the house if it involves the kids having to go to school. I don't work. He pays for everything.

I just feel like I'm wasting my life. If I had a job / car / friends then I could make my own life while he is away but I can't have any of those things due to my personality.

I don't know what I'm asking as no one can wave a magic wand and give me a life makeover.

I'm just fed up. I don't feel as though I'm living. Just cooking cleaning then sat in all weekend as we don't have spare cash or a car at the min.

Thanks for listening x

Oh I'm sorry you're so fed up. Completely understandable. What does he say? It's time to make a plan, have a really good think about what you want, you're still young. Do you work or are you travelling about a lot?
Sounds like he has the life of Riley and you have a life of domestic drudgery. You need to get yourself out there either with work, study, hobby, classes something for you....get your 2 year old into childcare for a couple of sessions to give you some time back?

What are you doing about your depresssion and anxiety? As a doctor has diagnosed this, presumably youre folliwing a treatment plan? Is it working?

Not much in the way of advice but I feel the same as you

Im sorry you’re feeling so crap but I don’t think the above post is helpful. Working away for weeks on end, in a high stress job where you’ve seen your best friends killed, and knowing that you are solely responsible for providing all the money coming into the family does not sound like the life of Riley. In fact that’s a pretty offensive thing to suggest.

Also the OP doesn’t have a 2 year old, she has two children at school.

OP- see your GP to get started on accessing support for your mental health. I know being at home can feel like Groundhog Day, but you have several hours each day with the kids in school and you acknowledge that your dh would happily stay in for you to go out at weekends when he’s around, or you could get a babysitter and go together, but you don’t want to because of how you feel. That’s the thing you need help with.

Hi. I've tried counselling CBT Fluxotine Citrolplam and I'm not on setraline. There are so many tablets out there and different dosages that I'm not sure I'm on the correct one.!

That's why I wanted to add that he pays for everything and has a stressful job because he deserves some down time. If I had a different personality it would be easier.

I knew what he did before we had kids. Both were planned. I did say I wouldn't have any while he had this job but if not I'd be 35 and childless.

Yes kids are both in school so I do have time alone. My eldest often says it's unfair her going to school while I stay home. I don't want her growing up thinking this is normal. My parents have always had busy careers. My mum still does. All my family have done great in their work so they know it's normal to work hard luckily.

I know no one said I should or have had kids in this situation however that sweats comes up so I thought I would explain.

You need to go back to the doctor, sounds like your meds aren’t the right one/ right dosage. Also just because counselling wasn’t helpful before doesn’t mean it can’t help now.

The fact that your daughter is starting to react to you being sat at home depressed makes it even more urgent that you get help.

Your life doesn’t have to be like this. Everyone deserves to have a purpose in life, you need to access the right support to achieve it

Is there any reason why you can’t live together during the week? I know many military couples often only see each other at weekends depending on postings. But 18 years is a long time?

Thank you.

I've tried working. I just want to run home. I'm polite however I can't stand the general chit chat / talking about going out / getting my hair done etc. I just want to run home. I do need the money though.

My dr actually lowed my dosage my mistake. We didn't realise as I put the tablets into another box. I only noticed when I went back to have the dosage increased. This was months back now so they should have settled.

You do need to start building your own life. Even if he was living at home doing a 9 to 5, you would still need one.

Go and see your GP and ask for help, or referral to the best person to help.

Your husband being away seems completely irrelevant. Of course you won't get better overnight, but you need to make the first step to get there. You met him and married him, there's absolutely no reason why you can't make friends. They are people!

We have only been together 13 out of the 18. He moves around so often and he isn't in the UK much I decided to stay where I am. I have my mum and sister here. We didn't discuss moving to be honest. I wouldn't like all the drama and I like to be separate to his work.

I can't stand the general chit chat / talking about going out / getting my hair done etc. I just want to run home.

No reason why you have to stick to a job in a an office if that's your idea of hell. There are jobs where you work from home, where you barely interact with the public, where you don't work in an office.

What do you do in a day, OP? How do you fill your hours at the moment? Could you spend the morning cleaning and the afternoon going for a walk/ going to the library/ volunteering?

Hi I do volunteer. I also work from home but I can't live on that. It's just selling products and advertising online.

You're right if my husband was home it would be worse as he would be out living. People ask me to go out but I just don't want too. Well I do want to want to want to if that makes sense

People ask me to go out but I just don't want too.

that would be fine if you were happy. If you are not, and it's starting to impact on your children, you owe it to them to try to find help. Good luck.

Thank you all. I often post and then feel worse. I dread getting a notification and going onto read it but you've all been kind.

TBH you sound bored during the day .Have you tried a gym you can go to classes because you are being social joining in but there is no pressure for small talk or anything like that.
I feel for you I sometime socially struggle and feel very self conscious and just don't bother going anywhere
I joined a swimming club love it your with people interacting but there's no pressure and at the end some stay for chat some don't made some great friends

Do you live in your own home, or on a patch?

It can be unrelenting dealing with all the everyday stuff when your dh is away, and I used to get pissed off when dh would phone and say he was off out to eat and see a movie with friends, whilst I was dealing with ds and a shedload of planning and marking for the next day.

If you are on a patch, then is there a HIVE? They might be able to point you in the direction of someone to talk to. Otherwise, go back to the GP and explain the situation.

You need to divorce your depression from your personality as well. I had horrid depression once, used to sit and the table and cry for five hours a day. I only got out of bed for ds and my cats, as dh was away for some of that time. It wasn't me that was the problem, but my brain chemistry being out of whack. Once I could see it like that, then things slowly began to get better, and I was back to normal.

If you volunteer, how do you cope? If you are coping well with that, then you can cope with other things, but a slow pace.

Hi no I live 6 hours from his base.

I just do 2 1/2 a week and I can walk there. I've stopped that though as I've applied for a part time paid job 5 times and I've never had an interview.

Have you considered moving nearer the base, and having an MQ there? I know you say he is away a lot, but there might be other wives there who are in the same boat as you and can provide a network.

When you say you don't want the drama, do you mean of moving, of Forces life in general, as it really isn't that dramatic! The problem is that although you might like to be separate from his work, at 6 hours away, you are a bit too separate. I moved abroad when I was getting too used to dh being away, but the money still going in, and felt we were losing each other a bit.

As most service personnel have grown up in a family, there isn't that much adapting to do when you have one of your own (I'm a military brat, married to a military brat who has had a long career in the RN, and db is also in). When posted away from our home in the UK, dh was home every weekend, unless he wasn't able to be as he was working, and obviously sea time meant he was away for 8 weeks with minimal, if any, contact.

Keep up with the volunteering - it gets you out and interacting with people, which is important - and is something on your CV. I'll be applying for jobs when we move back to the UK after 13 years abroad, and I don't expect to hit the jackpot on interviews either for a while.

Might be worth applying for a part time job away from the volunteering, as you may be seen with fresh eyes.

Hugs, as I know it can be very hard.