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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that the 'other man' in this situation is not blameless

14 replies

hammie46i · 15/06/2019 21:29

Hi mums netters,

I recently started seeing a new guy, let's call him "Andy" (not his real name) who seems very sweet if a bit keen. I asked him about his last relationship and was shocked by what he told me.

His last relationship was a couple of years ago with his married house mate. There were 3 of them living in the house, it was his childhood family home rented off his mum. The couple from were from Australia and Andy met the husband through work. They needed a new place to live and he needed new house mates so they moved in.

He said that he gave a compliment to the wife one day and that evening while hubby was out she "attacked" him in the kitchen they ended up having sex and carried on doing it when hubby was out for about 9 months.

He was self employed and would fake leaving for work in the mornings, wait until hubby had left and then go back into the house to be joined by the wife for some sex. He says they knew it was wrong but couldn't keep their hands off each other.

Eventually, they fell in love and wanted to be together. Also hubby found out about the affair by checking on her phone and saw some messages.

There was no big confrontation or anything, but hubby left and went back to Australia. Andy left the area and moved several miles away, got a new job and organised a flat for him and the wife to live.

She also went back to Australia to take care of some business but never came back to the UK. Never messaged or called him or anything.

He called her parents' house and her mum answered, and told him she'd taken off with someone else.

Turns out she was back with her hubby, they have since had a child together.

While he was telling me this, he was all "poor me" about it. Am I right to be concerned? Sleeping with your mate's wife once as a drunken mistake is fucking bad enough.

But doing it most week days for 9 months under the hubby's nose?!

He was talking about how he was ostracised by friends afterwards and lost respect from a lot of people. Poor him etc.

I couldn't sleep with a friend's hubby for 9 months. I couldn't do the deception part, I know I couldn't, I'd feel sick 24/7.

It's really put me off. AIBU to question whether I can trust this person or am I being too moralistic?

OP posts:
hammie46i · 15/06/2019 21:30

He was also all "poor me" over how the wife took off without a word and got back together with the hubby.

I feel this is almost as bad as being the cheater, especially when you're living with the couple in question?!

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 15/06/2019 21:33

I wouldn't even stop to consider this. He'd be in the bin where he belongs.

Listen to people when they tell you who they are.

carla1983 · 15/06/2019 21:34

No no no. This is awful. I couldn't deceive a friend for 9 months, right under their nose. It sounds almost sociopathic in its coldness?

Someone9 · 15/06/2019 21:34

He’s shown you his character OP. I would get rid pronto! He shows no remorse, had no guilty conscience for nine months and no loyalty - red flags abound. Also his keenness would be another bad indicator of character for me. Move on

EyesOpenWide · 15/06/2019 21:37

Well you now know just how capable he is of that level of deception. And just how lacking in insight he is, with the “poor me” narrative.

Doesn’t sound like much of a catch to me.

I’d be left wondering.... Of all the available men out there, is this the best I can do?

carla1983 · 15/06/2019 21:47

"He shows no remorse, had no guilty conscience for nine months and no loyalty - red flags abound"

Broombroomshaketheroom · 15/06/2019 21:52

Run. Run. Run. Delete, block and run.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/06/2019 21:57

The hills are that way ———>
Start running.

At best he is utterly immature and at worst he is deceptive, manipulative, untrustworthy and selfish.

MrsTommyBanks · 15/06/2019 21:57

Fuck him off. Insanity lies ahead if you stay with him.

abigslideee · 15/06/2019 21:57

Run! He has a warped moral compass.

hammie46i · 15/06/2019 22:01

Sigh. I haven't met a guy I have liked for bloody ages and this one turns out to have something wrong with his morals.

I was shocked he explained it all, especially in so much detail. Was he expecting sympathy??

He told me he's still Facebook friends with the husband and he can see what they're up to. WTF.

OP posts:
carla1983 · 15/06/2019 22:30

Plenty more fish in the sea.

onemorecakeplease · 15/06/2019 22:33

Run run run for the hills and then run to the next ones!!

hammie46i · 16/06/2019 14:47

Thanks everyone for the input. We broke up today :( It's for the best I suppose

OP posts:
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