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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you help your mother even though she got herself into this messed up situation?! And do I even trust her with money?! Send help!

19 replies

Sophiehb93 · 15/06/2019 18:07

I’m hoping for some answers as i feel like I’m stuck in a horrid situation!!

My mother started dating this man (who she used to know years ago) last year and everything seemed fine. They would go for dinner dates, weekends away etc.
My mother being an impatient lady decided to move him in to her rented home where both my brothers ( 24 & 20 ) were currently living.

FAST FORWARD to March this year and my poor mother lost her job. So whilst she was waiting for her DBS to come back to start her new job, her boyfriend was paying the rent, bills etc
Now I’ve recently found out he has a drug habit (cocaine) an spends a lot on it so I’m told.

He’s currently not been working due to laziness an slobs about all day and has dragged my mother down with him in the laziness aspect (not sure whether she has been taking drugs) but I know she’s drinking more. Bad sign!!

Anyway currently he’s now decided to move back to his mums as he wants help with his habit but has left my mum owing rent on the house an bills to pay after he said he would pay it for her as she was out of work an he has been living there.

They now want to take the house off her if it hasn’t been paid within the next month. She has now leaned onto me for help.

I have my own place with my partner , with a baby and bills to pay. My partner refuses to help her as he feels she got herself into this mess and thinks I shouldn’t either.

I don’t really have spare money to give but I probably have enough to help out if she got some help elsewhere to.

My brother is on sick benefit and has minimal money. The other one has moved out now and feels he don’t need to help as he no longer lives there.

Please help any advice would be fantastic ! I’m so worried about her & her situation but I feel like if I give her money she’ll spend it elsewhere !!

OP posts:

jellymaker · 15/06/2019 18:10

Her mess, her problem. How do you know she will spend it in rent?

Nomorechickens · 15/06/2019 18:13

Get her to get debt advice and agree a payment plan. Once that is in place, you could consider helping her out with small regular payments (paid direct) as long as she shows evidence that she has made payments too. Or not.

Beheuehyu · 15/06/2019 18:17

Tough as it’s your mum... if you do decide to help (and that’s a real “if) pay the rent directly. If you’re just going to pay a proportion of it, make her give you her share nd transfer it directly

bridgetreilly · 15/06/2019 18:19

Since one of your brothers and her partner have moved out, could she look to move into a smaller, cheaper rented property? Obviously, there's still short term cash issues for which she will need either a debt payment plan, or you could lend her the money with an agreed re-payment plan.

shiningstar2 · 15/06/2019 18:21

It is a very difficult situation when people find themselves in positions where they are expected to parent their parents. Personally I couldn't see my mother thrown out of her house and I would give her what help I could. However what help you can give depends on your own situation. These days I could help with a reasonable amount. When I was younger with a baby I would be hard pressed and would have found it hard to find the money even for a loan. Gift or loan I would want to pay it directly to the landlord. If you can help and feel you want to/should ...do what you can. If this would present real hardship for you and your own little family don't feel guilty op.

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 15/06/2019 18:22

You are correct - your mother got herself into this situation and she seems to be a bit unstable. She needs to face up to her responsibilities and not drink any spare money away. I wouldn't be loaning or giving her any money at all.

Babyroobs · 15/06/2019 18:22

I'd help her if you can but try to pay the money directly to the council or landlord if possible. Was she entitled to any benefits during the period she wasn't working. If she has been working the past few years she should be able to claim some contributions based JSA at least and can try to get it back dated 3 month I think.

Cuppa12345 · 15/06/2019 18:23

I would help her, yes. But probably only once. If she didn't pay the rent or fell into debt again, I'd not keep bailing her out. Not only could I not afford it but it obviously wasn't helping her in the long run.

SnuggyBuggy · 15/06/2019 18:25

Don't give her anything you can't afford to give, either financially or emotionally. You have a DC who needs you.

HollowTalk · 15/06/2019 18:27

I wouldn't give her anything simply because I don't think it'll solve her problems, unless you could give her a fortune. I think once you delve into this you'll find she owes a lot more than she admits.

toriathet · 15/06/2019 18:30

i wouldnt there was 4 adults in that house

MitziK · 15/06/2019 18:31

Normally, council respond very well to regular payments to try and pay the arrears off - with some, they'll be happy with just a fiver as long as it's done by Standing Order.

But tenants have to engage with them, talk to them and make those payments come hell or high water.

Has she done anything like that - or has she buried her head in the sand until the Notice of Seeking Possession has come through the door? It's not too late, even then. IF she sees them, explains the situation and KEEPS PAYING.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 15/06/2019 18:36

The best way to help her is to support her in sorting her own problems out. Help her to get debt advice and deal with her creditors. If you pay this off for her, it will not end there. She will just depend on you instead of being responsible for her own bills. This is even more true if she does have a drink problem.

I have experience of parents who try to make me responsible for their problems and I wish I had put a stop to it 25 years ago. Now, they are very well off and I am still dealing with the consequences of sacrificing career opportunities to help them. Are they grateful? Are they fuck!

Malyshek · 15/06/2019 18:40

I think you mother needs to move if she can't afford her rent.
I wouldn't let my mother on the street so if she had nowhere to go I would let her stay at my place, but she'd be expected to do everything she can to solve the situation (i. e., find a job if at all feasible)

Malyshek · 15/06/2019 18:43

It also really depends on how much she needs and how much you can afford to give her.
If you choose to help, I'd define an amount that I can spare (without expecting to be paid back anytime soon). Then don't give her anything more than that. And if you think she can't handle her money, you could pay the bills that you decide to help her with directly rather than give her the money.

19lottie82 · 15/06/2019 18:47

Normally, council respond very well to
regular payments to try and pay the
arrears off

The OP didn’t mention that it was a council / HA property. I’m presuming it’s a private landlord?

donquixotedelamancha · 15/06/2019 19:43

do I even trust her with money?

No. Obviously not. This has been going on a long time to get to the point where she faces eviction. Throwing money at it will not solve the problem of her not facing her financial issues.

I have my own place with my partner , with a baby and bills to pay.

This is your priority. Be a better Mum than she is. You are responsible for your child.

Do you help your mother even though she got herself into this messed up situation?

Yes- you help her every way you can except giving her money. Giving her money will make things worse until she has been honest and made a plan to solve the problems.

Beautiful3 · 15/06/2019 20:13

She is a grown woman and has put her self in this situation. There is nothing you can do. She needs to stop drinking, find a job and rent a room somewhere. Your brothers will have to move out and do the same. Please don't waste what little you have from your family on them. Your partner is right, focus on your baby.

Original poster

Sophiehb93 · 15/06/2019 21:23

She owes over a thousand on rent aswell as other bills. My sweet grandmother ( her mum ) has been kind enough to pay her car finance every month BUT we found out she hasn’t been paying it !
She says she was using the monthly money to catch up on other bills and food, gas, electric etc. (Not sure what to believe)

She still believes that her boyfriend (whom is still not living there) will bail her out as he keeps saying he will but yet we do not see any attempts to do so!

I’m worried she’ll beg my grandmother for it, whom will pay it for her ( as she always has done in the past). I always tell her no yet she’s so giving she does it anyway.

It’s a very upsetting situation an it keeps me awake at night, I have very little sleep anyway with a 17week old !

Thanks for the advice everyone ! I feel better now I have vented somewhere !

OP posts:

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