He shouldn't pay for your children?

[jennymanara]

AIBU to think this advice often handed out is wrong?

I see women posting on here who are living with a new partner, and have kids from an ex. They often get no maintenance, in spite of trying to, or very little maintenance.
They post because their new partner refuses to contribute anything towards the cost of the kids living with them.

But the benefits system says that if you have a partner living with you, that they should be contributing towards the costs of the whole family, even if they are not your kids. So a woman with kids who has a partner moving in, may lose benefits because their new partner has moved in.
So yes he should contribute both because him moving in may lead to a loss of income for the woman, and morally you can not move in with someone and their kids and just say those kids are nothing to do with you.

@jennymanara

Definitely a sign of a shitty partner if he is able but unwilling to support children living under the same roof as him.

Often with these stories it is never just one thing in isolation. Those men are shitty in other situations too.

@sincethereis my step dad did all those things you think are ridiculous and more. He was and is a decent man unlike my own father.
A man in a serious committed relationship with a woman who has children needs to show that commitment. That might mean paying out for stuff occasionally or if the absent father pays nothing (as happened in my case as a child) he may pay out quite a lot.
My Dad (and he IS my Dad in my opinion) paid for and financially supported my mother and the three children she had when they met.
Decent men do that and decent women dont take advantage of that.

Crap individuals use and abuse each other.

I have to disagree with the idea that a happy parent makes a happy child. It simply cannot be true, the child is an individual not a function of one parent. Any parent who follows this maxim ignores the individual needs, feelings and relationships of their children.

However most of the time the posts posts described by the OP on here leave me perplexed at the mothers attitude to her children which seems to be absent. Even when the risks are explained she will still keep referencing the situation in terms of her love and the reaction of the "DP". The children's needs don't get a look in, to such an extent that I doubt they exist. Well hope really.

The underlying point that benefit, tax and university provision are mixed and messy is probably right. But trying to reform and modernise is impossible and leads to unintended consequences (see UC). But this isn't a hard one to navigate as long as you accept you can always get what you want.

The need to live with your boyfriend at the expense of your children is a choice not an inevitability. And, in these examples we are talking about boyfriends not partners because they are not offering partnership.

@DuckWillow

I fully appreciate that a step father and even step mother in some cases can literally become a father and mother in a way the biological parent never was.

I used the word “expecting”.

I stand by my comment. If you get with a man (or woman) and expect them to be paying to raise ur children. Then ur a CF imo. By paying I’m referring to costs associated only with having a child. Not housing, not water bill, not gas bills.

The uni finance thing is a whole other thread to be fair.

Why I'm expected to support them past school leaving age but their father suddenly loses all financial responsibility towards them at this point is ludicrous!

My ex husband raised my daughter as his own and enjoyed the benefit of the child support paid by her father which went in the family pot, when we split she was 13 he’s not had anything to do with her since. There are vile men out there

Why I'm expected to support them past school leaving age but their father suddenly loses all financial responsibility towards them at this point is ludicrous
You're not though many uni kids support themselves with the minimum loan by working during their studies. DD is and so are many of her friends.

You're not though many uni kids support themselves with the minimum loan by working during their studies. DD is and so are many of her friends.

I'm aware of this however my income is what will be used to calculate how much of a loan DD's get because there is the assumption by the system that I will continue to financially support them during their studies - if there wasn't then student finance would be based solely on the students income - yet it is not only assumed but sanctioned by the system that their father no longer has any financial responsibility towards them past a certain educational point.

This is a subject that is close to my heart, as a single parent, being a stepchild and having a partner with a child.

I am extremely child focused. Everything I do is centred around what is best for them. Being a single parent has been undoubtedly hard on them. I have 3, one is now 17, the other two are 6 and 4. My eldest suffered because I was unable to facilitate extra curricular activities for him, or to ferry him about to his mates etc through his teenage years. He got so little of my time, when he needed it so much more. My middle one was undiagnosed (but now is, Autism/ADHD) and my youngest was a newborn (ex husband left whilst pregnant with youngest). The younger two also suffered because they hardly got one to one time, and I just couldn't do everything I wanted to do for them as their parent. It was horrendously difficult. I was split in 3 ways. Then I had to go back to work. As a midwife. So not exactly without responsibilty.
A year later I met a lovely man. As I got to know him I knew he could bring lots of benefits to my children due to his nature. So after some months, I introduced them slowly. The youngest 2 adored him from the off. The eldest approved of my choice and was vocal about this approval in a way that reassured me he was genuine (and not trying to please me).
We are two years down the line now. My partner has more than proved his commitment to the children over this time. He runs them around to activties (even the eldest!). He brings them treats when he gets money (rare! He's a student teacher!). Both last year and this year he has attended sports day as I could not. He has made massive birthday cakes (with actual skill!) for all my children. He listens to reading and helps with homework. He looks after one so I can take the other for one to one time. He comes on trips out as he knows how difficult it is for me on my own with a child with additional needs plus a younger one.
They have all had so much more enrichment (the above are just examples, the actual list is far too long!) thanks to his presence. All of which he does willingly, and with love and care.

He has his own daughter, as a result of a 3 month dating type relationship. Her mum has made it difficult from the day she was born, cancelling contact repeatedly, calling her new partner (met when child was 6 weeks old) daddy, plastering pictures of their "perfect" family all over facebook of my partners daughter, the ex's older child and the new partners child. It ended up in mediation, which failed. It then ended up in court. He has fought to keep a strong relationship with his daughter despite the challenge her mum posed. I observed this from the sideline, and his absolute commitment to her. I am in no doubt he would leave me and put her first if that is whathe had to do (as I would for mine!)

So between us we have 4 children. We have discussed at length how we will shape our future and what we both want for our respective children. There is no doubt for us that we will both support each other's child/ren. My house will remain my house. He will pay debts (to family borrowed to pay for court) from his first few wages later this year. We will draw up wills. We will ensure we are both protected (thus our children are) going forward.

I appreciate that this is the kind of information people don't see from the outside looking in. You may think people are selfish for moving on with new partners. I definitely don't feel selfish - I am doing it to benefit my children by having more income (in the long run, but not in the short term) and more life opportunities due to an additional caring and loving adult in their life. Of course I love my partner - but the love is so much greater because of how he is with both mine and his children. It cemented my feelings for him.

As a side note - my partners dad is not his dad. My partner is 2nd eldest of 10 children. My partner and his older sibling are treated exactly the same as the younger 8 who are biologically related. A few weeks ago his dad paid for us (me, partner, all our children and himself) to go to a theme park for the weekend, paying for everything including accomodation. He wasn't blood related to a single person he paid for. He did it because he wanted to help us have a nice weekend and give us a break by having an extra adult around to help with small children.

Just need to clarify this bit - He will pay debts (to family borrowed to pay for court) from his first few wages later this year.

As in he will pay these debts from his wages before we live together and join finances so that I will not be paying towards this debt.

This is why it annoys me when people say the NRP’s partner should be expected to pay towards the children just because the RP’s partner does due to the RP’s benefits going down.

Erm

1. As an RP, YOU choose to move someone in to your home knowing that this will affect your finances. That’s not the NRP’s partner’s problem.
2. The RP’s partner knows full well what the expectations are of them when they get with an RP regarding their benefits and the fact they will expected to contribute financially. Again, NOT THE NRP’s PARTNER’S PROBLEM.

When will people realise that the partner of an NRP and RP are entering two very different situations. One is living with a partner who claims benefits for their children and the other is living with a parent who doesn’t. Why should the one who doesn’t, have to contribute too? I was with an NRP and I didn’t feel like I had to provide anything morally or legally because my partner didn’t lose out on anything financially.

Actually my message got so long i missed the crux of my final side note 😁.
My partners dad (not biological) divorced his mum 10 years ago. Yet he still treats him as his son, the same as all the others. And now treats my children like grandchildren.

There are good, kind, decent men out there.

I strongly agree!
I've locked horns with posters kn some threads over this issue and I do think there is a serious unbalanced between the financial expectations and responsibilities of nr sp and r sp.
I am a rp step mother and I accepted 100% that when I moved into the family home and eventually married my dh that his children are my family and as much my responsibility.
Their mother pays nothing and sees them very little and so I filled a vacant space, to ignore it would have seen my sc go without which I have not been prepared to do.
I pay a big chunk of the bills as I am the higher earner (this is due to my dh being part time as his son has severe learning disabilities and requires full time care )
I also will pay the bulk of extras because if I can afford a school trip for my dsd I will bloody well pay for it.
I don't understand why on earth anyone would join a family and then start firing off 'not my kids not my problem', it makes my blood boil.
I know nr step parents feel differently about this so I know my post will annoy some.

I also get very cross about the double standards around female and male step parents and what is expected of them. I believe I have filled the role of a male step parent which is unusual. I don't think that makes me any less exempt for these children and the family home.

Fact is 60 to 70% of blended family marriages break down.

Why on earth would you make that decision for your children when they have already been through the trauma of divorce or bereavement?

Simply do not understand this.

Because sometimes it does work and it can bring children a stable and happy home where there wasn't one before? And in lots of cases 2 stable and happy homes.

I speak as a sp and as a step child. My step dad was one of the best things to happy to our family.

When my partner and I moved in together (now we don’t have any children from previous relationships), we didn’t really talk about finances and how we would do this we just started combining our 2 incomes and pay the bills and such from that, if one of us had children we would’ve done the same thing (we’ve just discussed this), when you move in together you or your partner pretty much takes the role of stepparent and should therefore perform fatherly duties (obviously without over stepping the bio father, if he’s still present in child’s life)... which include helping to pay for uniforms/and anything else child might need... so no if you as a partner to someone with kids are not ready to do this then you are not ready to move in together...

Realbutteronly your statistic do not relate to the UK; as at 2017 -

"Recent UK divorce statistics show that people who have been married before are much less likely to get divorced if they marry again. 59% of divorces involve partners for whom this was their first marriage, while 18% have one partner who had been previously divorced and just 8% of divorces have both partners having been married before."
( www.crispandco.com/site/divorce-statistics/ )

The ONS website and other sources confirm this.

ThisMustBeMyDream what a heartwarming post.

I find the money relationships people have in MN absolutely bizarre. Everyone is quick to call someone a cheeky fucker if they so much as dare have unequal money contributions. My DP is really struggling with money. Id rather he spent his money on his kids making wonderful memories when he has contact with them, than give me money towards the mortgage as I dont need it. Thats my choice and the way we run our happy relationship x

My late DP moved in when my 2 kid's were young he treated them like his own and there kid's called him grandad he would pick them up from nursery and school if needed and go to there sport's day's etc, there was nothing ever mentioned about him helping to support the kid's, we both worked and all the money was family money, he also had a son he paid child support until he was 18, he would stay with us every 2nd weekend at come on holiday with us often as far as i was concerned he was family, there are a lot of decent men out there.