To move now?

[PurplePuffinPicker]

NC for this.

My marriage is breaking down. We've been together for over 10 years. I'm a SAHM to DD who is due to start reception in September. DW is an alcoholic. We've had numerous arguments about her drinking over the years, but it does not improve long term. We have other arguments too which are usually started by me, because I'm unhappy with something else but it usually ties into her drinking - eg lack of money as its spent on booze, her lack of effort with DD as she prioritises drinking.

Although I'm a SAHM I have a couple of income streams and so have not only contributed heavily over the years, but have also managed to put some money away that DW doesn't know about. It's not loads but it's enough to help me out initially when we split.

Things have come to a head now and I need to decide where to go when we split up. I moved here years ago, solely for DW. My family live 250 miles away. I don't have a great friendship base here, a lot of my social life has revolved around DW's family. I have drifted from work friends since being a SAHM, as I didn't live close to them. I've got one really good friend, and a couple of friendly acquaintances. Back where my family live, I have my parents and some extended family. I'm close to them, but have no friends there, though my old school friends are still around. DD knows no little kids there.

If I leave DW and stay here, houses cost a lot more and I'd struggle more with money, but she'd be close to the friends she does have, and is going to reception with. I am loathe to leave because she will be distraught to leave her friends behind. As will I, to leave my good friend. Also, if I'm here, I might get forced into an EOW arrangement with DW and I'm worried about leaving DD in her care - I went out last weekend and DW drank 6 cans of cider while looking after her (4 cans were 8% stuff too). I know that doesn't sound like loads, but she drank another 4 normal strength once I got home.

If I go back home, I'll have to quickly get DD into a new school, which isn't too hard I know they have spaces. I'll have my family around but no friends. DD will have to make new friends and say goidbye to the ones here. Houses are cheaper so with my equity, I should be able to afford better, and my parents can house us in the interim. DW is unlikely to insist on EOW but if she does, that means DD travelling a 500 mile round trip EOW.

I know that logically I'm better off in the long term leaving - but I'm gutted to uproot us socially. I struggle to make friends, and the close friend I have now is the best friendship I've had as an adult. Aibu to want to stay here just for friendships?

I'm being selfish aren't I? DD will adjust and make new friends. I know I should move.

Move if it's better for you. DD will meet new friends at school and settle in quickly at that age, better than leaving it until later and better than growing up with an alcoholic.

From what you’ve said, I’d move. It will be a tough few months but this time next year you will both be settled with some new friends. Good luck x

Thanks. I know that realistically it's the best option. I just feel so sad and scared of leaving, and of how upset DD is going to be at first.

You need to move. Kids that age are resilient and adapt quickly. She will find it hard to start but new school usually means new friends anyway.

With regards to EOW contact if you don't think it's safe then don't facilitate it or only arrange if there will be another responsible adult (eg DW family?) there. You don't have to send your child into an unsafe situation even if that's with their parent.

I think moving sounds like the best option. Really, the only thing keeping you here is one friend. DD is at the perfect age to move without too much upheaval and will quickly adjust. It would be much worse to stick it out for a year, realise it's not working and move her after she's settled in school.

Yes, I agree moving now is better than later. I wish I'd gone earlier but since I'm regretful now, I know I'll be more regretful later if I can't cope living down here alone.

Thanks everyone, I needed the voices of reason even though I wanted to hear something else.

Now would be a good time to move. She’s only little and little kids adapt quickly, starting a new school would mean friendship changes anyway.

You’ll also meet new people when your dd starts school, so may make new friendships yourself, and even if you don’t, your family will be close by for support.

Go for it and make a new life for you and your dd and be happy.