To ask where people are from

[Ribrabrob]

There are lots of foreign people where I work. I find people from different cultures fascinating and will usually ask people which county they are from and then once I know, will sometimes ask questions such as about the food etc.

A friend who happens to be foreign (and lives here) mentioned to me that he hates being asked where he is from by natives and actually finds it insulting to be asked. This never even occurred to me and now I feel rather guilty. I ask people because I find it interesting and want to know more, not because I think it's a bad thing or because I want to insult them - far from it.

So aibu to ask people where they are from? If you are foreign, would you be offended if I asked you?

I'm not foreign so can't comment much on how someone else would feel, but I think it's standard in the workplace. I live in West mids now but am from Wales. People are always asking where im from, commenting on my accent, asking what home was like etc. Not just in work but also in Tesco etc. I'm proud to be Welsh and I don't mind at all

I'm not foreign but I'm dark (mixed heritage) and when I'm asked where I'm from and say (English city) and people say no where really it boils my piss.

So just don't do the where really thing if their answer is not what you expect.

I lived in Gibraltar a few years back and everyone I met would introduce themselves and then tell you in great detail where their family came from and how they ended up in Gibraltar.
It would have been very hard not to know because it was the first thing anyone you ever met would tell you. The locals are all very proud of their roots and all will tell you their story.

I must say it was lovely hearing everyone's stories. I don't know why it is such a taboo subject here.

There

or thereabouts.

As a rule, I think most people would agree that it isn’t insulting per se to ask someone where their from but like a lot of things, context matters, the way it is asked, by whom and of whom. Your friend may be simply fed up of being asked and feeling like a foreigner and an outsider all the time and perhaps being asked reinforces this feeling. It depends on so many things.

As a teenager I lived with my grandmother in the country where my parents were born but which had a troubled history with the country where I was born and I HATED being asked where I was from. I never knew to reply and I didn’t always know what people meant, whether it was where do you live or where were you born and I got so sick of justifying and explaining myself and the ensuing questions about how I had ended up where I was etc. God, it makes me sweat just to think about it.

And of course, there are more particular cases of refugees and people who have had to flee and who may not get a kick out of how their foreigness tickles another persons interest in the exotic.

I had a nanny once who had fled the Balkans but I didn’t broach the topic with her in spite of the fact that I was actually interested because I knew it might be traumatic for her and I felt my curiosity didn’t trump her entitlement not to have to discuss that unless she chose to bring it up which she never did.

As I said previously, I don’t think anyone could hold it against someone for asking politely, even if they do find it annoying. But one person’s politeness might be rude to another. I have worked with lots of foreigners and I wouldn’t ask on the first few occasions of speaking with them and would only ask once I felt we were friendly enough and I was sure it would come across in the spirit in which it was intended and not like I was prying.

I am British-New Zealand (also of Maori descent) and grew up in NZ. Married a Brit, lived in the UK for 15 years, now in Australia.

When I first started going out with DH, my PIL (in fact his whole family) was really excited about me being 'foreign', made a big song and dance about it. Don't get me wrong I am proud of my heritage but there were other things about me that are interesting!

I am certainty not offended (unless you mistake me for being an Aussie ) people I work with I don't mind explaining my heritage etc as I spend 40 hours a week with them so its nice to know a bit about each other.

But it does grate when everyone from the school mums to friends of friends that ask about where I grew up, if I liked it, why did I move to the UK etc. I would rather talk about other stuff and it gets a bit boring having to explain myself all the time. Thankfully now in Australia, I am just another kiwi [grin[

As an army brat with a somewhat muddled accent myself I'm asked this a lot. Mainly by taxi drivers and when I answer (whatever I answer be it where I was born, where I mainly grew up, where I live now...) almost every time I get "no you're not! Where you really from?" At which point I say about being an army brat and then it makes more sense to them that my accent doesn't really tally with anywhere they're thinking of. I'm not offended because I know my accents a bit weird and because I'm aware that for me - a White person being asked this in a predominantly white country - there's usually no racist motivation behind it.

But I agree it's all about context. And yes don't do the "no where are you from really?" If someone answers in an unexpected way whether due to accent or other factors. I've friends and family from a variety of backgrounds, some are bame and some aren't but are very dark and have been assumed to be and I have unfortunately witnessed several of them have racist arseholes (trying desperately not to appear racist) giving it "but no really where are you ORIGINALLY from?" And when STILL getting told "X British town/city" "so where were your parents/grandparents ORIGINALLY from?" In one friends case her family are British born going back about 5 generations, she's not entirely sure of the nationalities that far back herself! Yet she's had idiots argue with her that this can't possibly be the case because "there weren't black people in the uk that far back" 🙄

I'm fascinated by accents and origins and it is interesting to discuss - if the other person wants to. I'm very good at placing accents like weirdly good -

I had a conversation with a lovely chatty dr once during a medical procedure, he'd asked where I was from as I didn't seem to have a "local" accent - parts of my accent are local to that area - and so I asked him if it was ok if I tried to guess where he was from/had lived - I already knew that like me he'd lived in a few places - and I not only picked up on the 5 accent components within his speech pattern, which covered 3 continents, but was also able to say the correct order and roughly how long he'd spent in each place. He was like "how did you do that?!" At which point I had to confess it was a mixture of having friends from 3 of the places plus having studied this particular area of linguistics (albeit only at an undergrad level) so I had been able to pick up on certain speech patterns.

But generally I don't ask it of people until I've met them a few times and if I ask someone who, by their accent, seems not to be local but they answer the question "from X part of local town" and I sense that's as far as they want to take it then I leave it be.

I am English but currently living in rural Sweden with my Swedish DH. I'm not really asked where I am from as nobody talks to me - they ask my DH but in general it's not very welcoming up here but it may be different down south or in the big cities.

I think this is quite a British phenomenon. I was born and raised in Britain (but not ethnically British) and have spent most of my adult life living in other parts of the world (not going to list all of them because it might be outing but they are mix of English and non-English speaking countries). I have spent loads of time around immigrants all over the world. People ask each other where they are from all the time, especially when you have an accent that's obvious. It's part of normal conversation when you first meet someone. Or if you obviously seem to be of a different cultural/religious background (ie because of your dress or observing certain traditions) then again, people will ask about it because they are interested. In my experience it is only in Britain that people seem to get offended, or worry about offending people, simply by asking them where they are from.

I don't know why we're like this? Perhaps it's overdeveloped sense of politeness.

I sometimes ask people "where did you grow up?" whether or not I guess it was somewhere in the UK, just because it's interesting to know, and I don't think I've ever caused offence. "Where are you from?" to someone who is obviously not British-born, I'd be wary, because it can sound as though you're saying "what are you doing here?" and also it probably gets a bit tiresome for them.

I am foreign. I don't mind being asked about my heritage at all but I don't like ongoing excessive questions. Some people can't seem to get off the subject once started then it becomes intrusive. I mean, how fascinated can they really be...? We're all human after all. I get how your friend feels.

Random person “Where are you from?”
Me “London”
Random person “No, where are you really from”

They’re then ignored for being ignorant twats for failing to realise that not all British people are white.

I live overseas in a wonderful melting pot of nationalities - tends to be the first question asked - and like you I find it fascinating - however I can see it as maybe slightly different in the U.K.

Have you ever lived anywhere as a foreigner, OP? Assuming you are British, you are likely to have had an easy ride even if you have. That isn’t always the case and where you come from can make the difference too. For example, living as a British person in France in my twenties really wasn’t a big deal and gave me an idea of how it felt to be an expat but as someone from one of the most privileged countries in the world I wasn’t at a disadvantage. My experience would likely have been very different if I had come from somewhere less privileged in a global context. Or if my command of the language was an issue.

Similarly, if you come from somewhere that isn’t deemed “popular” for whatever reason that might also make it extra wearisome and loaded a question that one might rather avoid getting into on a regular basis, particularly with strangers whose motives and reaction are uncertain. Even if you are from somewhere “popular”, it can probably get tedious to keep having the same conversations over and over and listen to people showing off their special knowledge of your home place because they went there on holiday once or whatever, or their neighbour’s granny’s hairdresser’s goat went our with someone from there once.

A relatively harmless example would be my American partner being constantly bleated at over American politics and the Iraq war etc when we lived in France in the noughties. He got so fed up of having to apologise for being American and having to justify himself as not being a war-monger and a villain because people felt entitled to preach self-righteously at him. It gets very tiresome to be put through your paces over your place of origin on a regular basis or being expected to defend yourself over political issues and engage in discussion that you might not want to.

I have had a relatively easy time of it wherever I have lived and being white British has no doubt helped because as previously mentioned I am lucky to come from a privileged place in the world. The one exception was a place that I won’t name because it is outing but I wasn’t entitled to work, (not the US where I had a lovely time!) and it was the tiniest insight into how it feels to be a second class citizen. I say tiny because my experience was generally positive but I occasionally encountered a bit of sniffiness as an outsider and it made me feel (momentarily) like dirt and I realised that if I felt like that with all my white, British, middle-class educated privilege it must feel really draining to be treated like an outsider everyday.

Everyone who is saying they don’t understand why people get offended by this, I would just say again that it depends. A Danish person who is here to study, or a Polish person here to work or a Yazidi girl who has fled persecution might all feel differently about being asked. Your motives might be kindness and a wish to show acceptance in asking but they may also not be up for gratifying your curiosity or feeling like a conduit for demonstrating how right on you for being interested in them, which could in itself be construed as slightly patronising. But again it all depends on context. I am just trying to say that asking a Brit in Spain where they are from is not necessarily the same as asking a refugee. The last taxi driver who took me to the airport had arrived here as an orphan from Sri Lanka and for whatever reason he chose to talk about it on our journey but I didn’t pry and it was his choice.

The bottom line in my view is that it is fine to ask where people are from in most circumstances where it can’t be misconstrued. But usually you might have a vague idea before you ask and based on that you might decide whether it would me more polite and appropriate to let them bring it up in their own time. People like to be regarded as people first and foremost, not foreigners and not objects of curiosity there to gratify another person’s need to be seen as “nice” and “interested”. I am not saying you are like this and that could be an ungenerous way of putting it but basically if you are nosey even if it’s well-intentioned, you sometimes run the risk of offending people.