Teen Restrictions and Freedoms 16-18?

[TeeTips]

My son is 16 and just finished his GCSEs.

I am wondering what kind of restrictions and freedoms should be in place from now on till, say, 18.

Its more about things like computer time, and bedtimes, etc.

I know some parents allow freedom by this age but with my DS I think, left to his own devices he would probably wouldn't go to bed until very very late, and spend hours on phone, internet etc.

Do parents still have some structure and limits at this age for those who seem to need it?

When I was a teenager we only had a few TV channels and they ended by midnight and nobody made phone calls after 9 p.m.

My oldest is the same age. I used to be fairly strict (phone in my room at 9pm etc) but at the start of Yr 11 I stopped that.

She's allowed to stay up til she wants to go to bed, so long as she doesn't disturb anyone else and gets up when she needs to the next day. It's rare that she's up past 11 tbh, most nights she is in bed for 10.30!

I know what you mean about when we were young (I grew up in a house with no TV at all ) but that's not the world they need to navigate now. A couple of years and they will be off out there into the world, and they need to be prepared for that and to start learning some self control now.

Ask that sort of question on here and you’ll likely get slated for not letting him do his own thing completely...

Dd 18 does do her own thing, mainly because she is v stroppy and refuses all guidelines re when to come home.

Ds 17 is a bit more open to guidance and usually comes home by 12.30 am — we’ve allowed 1am this morning as he’s been quite good at preparing for recent exams. They are quite good at getting themselves to bed if they’ve got stuff the next day.

Will he be in school, college or something after the summer is over?

I don't think you can or should try and enforce bed times or computer times.

Instead talk about what he needs to do not try and list what he can't do.
So he needs to get himself up and to college everyday on time
If he stays up late, he'll be tired. He'll learn what is enough sleep for him - sometimes he'll get it wrong but haven't we all gone into work tired and hungover sometimes? It's won't kill him to experience it.
He needs to sort his laundry, keep his room in hygienic state, make sure to lock the front door, feed the cat or whatever you agree. But don't try and micromanage when he cleans his room or how he does his laundry. He needs to find his way.
If he doesn't do these things there should be a clear prearranged consequence, such as no allowance or money.

So set positive outcomes and let him work out how to achieve them

DD is now allowed her phone in her room all night and I don't check her usage. She can go to bed when she likes but I like her to be upstairs by 10pm and she is asked not to disturb other members of the household by being noisy.

She can come and go as she pleases but I like to know to where and an estimate of time back.

She doesn't have to have 'Find My Friends' active all the time - she can turn it off for privacy.

I'm not so much worried about laundry and stuff like that, MojoMoon.

Its more the technology aspect. I just don't know if he can control it. And it does affect the rest of the house as there is noise, phonecalls, moving about the house late etc.

Perhaps we should have a brief talk. And then see what happens!

I'm also feeling a bit "over" all this. I just don't want to do this policing thing anymore I'm bloody fed up of it to be honest

I can hear my 16 year old on his sodding PlayStation. I won't restrict it but if I here one more peep out of him I'll throttle him.
Its not fair on the rest of us.

My kids are younger, but I work with teenagers. I think that at this age you really need to let them have control over everything that isn't totally non-negotiable (like attending school). How can they gain skills to manage technology use or their sleep pattern if they aren't able to make a few mistakes?

I couldn't even read past 11pm. Somehow the tiny chink of light that came out of my bedroom door made it through my mothers closed door. When she went to bed we all had to lie silent in the dark.

When she went to bed we all had to lie silent in the dark

Those were the days, oh yes those were the days (Mary Hopkins)

It depends on the child.During yr11 my DD has shown she can control he phone use as she has gone to bed early and has always got up on time.
In response I have been less strict and she now keeps her phone overnight she has not abused this trust.
We'll see if this stays the same now her exams are over.

Ah, I think people totally overestimate how much 'control' teenagers - especially young teenagers - really want.

Depends on how many battles you want to fight and whether in the long run, the battles are worth it. I have found self-regulation and a non-nagging mum works well - because when I do have an issue DD seems to listen (although NOT always). I'd like to think we have gone from the stage of "you don't understand me - don't have a clue " to "you have the experience to let me know the consequences" Yr 11 to Yr 12.

one I agree. I've always been of the don't sweat the small stuff mind.
However I'm not a total pushover. My son has gone very quiet now. I said I'd take the router if he didn't be quiet. He knows I mean it.

Agree with hotter and one.
I tend to tell dd what is expected of her, ie if you stay up late and struggle to get up, you are old enough to understand you need more sleep and to actively do something about this. The decision is then on her which makes her feel like she has control. TBF she has never pushed boundaries and has always agreed with our expectations, wouldn't know what to do if she didn't agree

At 16 I had no bedtime but the house went to bed at 10.45pm so I read. At 17 I was going out but had a curfew. At 18 I was home when I wanted to be but NEVER allowed to cause a noise or wake anyone. We just stayed up and read or watched shit TV rather than play on phones then MSN and the yahoo chat rooms.

Ha! I have on occasion changed the wifi password then gone out for the day (during a phase of occasional school refusal). That always had the desired effect

(especially as we live very rurally - no other wifi in comfortable walking distance and no mobile internet if you're a plonker who uses their monthly allowance with youtube videos in the first 3 days of the month)

Ha! I have on occasion changed the wifi password

Yes, I must remember that one QO

I'm going to let things roll for a couple of weeks and then maybe have a quick chat.

I do think it depends also how biddable your teenager is. Mine isn't particularly.

Its just a new stage for me to think about. And 16-18 needs some rules guidelines, but also to be left to face natural consequences.

I have two teens in that sort of bracket, one is a bit younger but his friends will start turning 16 from Sept.
They have phones in rooms overnight - charging. They are pretty tired on school nights and the younger one is usually in bed by 10. I have more trouble w getting him off the PC re gaming on weekends and also trying to get him to prioritise his revision so he’s set up for next year in particular. I occasionally turn off the WiFi after ‘threats’ to do so. I have also had to take his musical instrument out of his room
So that isn’t distracting him either.
DD - older - manages her workload better, she did well in GCSEs and unless something drastic happens then she should do well next year too.
I prob go to bed earliest in week so not always awake to check they’ve gone to bed. I leave that to dh (prob unwisely).
No particular curfew on weekends/holidays but it’s more whether it’s convenient for us to pick up etc so I will say 11pm or midnight on a Sat if DH is doing the pick up. I do say they have to communicate with us, ie let us know by 10.30 if they need a lift as we have been caught out before waiting up to hear from them.
I think we’re reasonable - a lot of it is common courtesy at this age - staying in touch about coming home if they’re out in the evenings, etc.

I always tell ds to game quietly when I’ve gone to bed as the noise travels in our house.

It's so difficult to impose strict rules, not too mention potentially, I believe, emotionally harmful on this age group OP. I believe in playing it by ear. I have always drummed into them how important sleep is and I think it must now be ingrained in them because thankfully my teens have on the whole been pretty sensible when it comes to switching off their devices and settling down to sleep at a not too unreasonable hour. So I guess what I'm saying is give your DS the chance to set his own bed time etc and to learn himself the repercussions of not being sensible before you step in to impose your rules.

At 16 I pretty much let my dd regulate herself. Left her phone with her and she soon learnt that staying up late on Instagram wasn't much fun when I was yelling at ds to get up in the morning.
She's almost 20 and letting her learn to regulate herself has paid off well at uni I think

good idea Aprill play it by ear, see how things go, maybe a chat at some point, and only step in with stricter rules and guidelines if things are not panning out.